Learn When The No Contact Rule Won't Work On Your Ex

748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

Bardcore

August 3, 2019 at 3:51 pm

Hello!

I wrote about this on the “Ex Boyfriend Recovery” post earlier so I’ll give the abridged version: my ex in the midst of a lengthy depression broke up with me as he felt trapped by the relationship (has happened in all of his relationships no matter what the girlfriend does) and that he was dragging me down. We cried and hugged and he mentioned that he felt stupid for letting go of “the best girlfriend [he’s] ever had” and that “he couldn’t even keep the girl who worshipped him” (“worshipped” is a stretch; I supported him and made a point to make sure he knew I was always there). During our break-up, I said that I thought we could go the distance but I understand his reasoning for the breakup and that I accept it.

We were together for three years; due to his job loss the last eight months or so have been really hard, but otherwise good. We also live together so I’m trying to rock the modified “no contact” rule for this (we broke up once at the very beginning of our relationship and the steps you gave me helped get him back). But when he’s around he asks me how I’m doing, if I’ve got support systems in place, and seems really concerned about my well-being. I try to be as honest as I can while still maintaining my “I can get through this” attitude but I do ask him how he’s doing because he’s absolutely miserable and I want to help but I don’t think I should go into “full nurture” mode like I did when I was his girlfriend, but I’m not sure how to be a good roommate while still trying to potentially rekindle something. What do I do in regards to no contact?
Katie

July 26, 2019 at 4:09 am

I am having the biggest heartbreak and I have no idea how to cope anymore. I’m 30 and he’s 29. We were together for just under a year when he suddenly ended it. I never felt this way about anyone and I thought he was the one. I am embarrassed and humiliated. We were on the same page. No fighting or anything. We had done two “mini trips” within 3 weeks of each other and booked a 2 week trip in October together 3 days before he ended it. The week before we talked about slowly moving in his items. He completely blindsided me. I thought he was coming over for his birthday dinner I was making him and instead he dropped the ball on me saying our personalities were not compatible (wouldn’t you have noticed that in the first couple months?). He also said he had been losing feelings over a month before he ended it with me but just didn’t know how. I broke down so badly sobbing and just stunned. He asked if I wanted him to stay to talk about any questions I had, but any question I had he replied “I don’t know I can’t explain it” and then I said what is the point if there is no fixing this. I asked why he didn’t tell me before all these trips and why he kept leading me on and he said he was trying hard to fight his feelings but in the end it’s how it is. I asked for my key back and gave him his gift (it’s personalized and I can’t return it) and asked him to leave and I left to a friends. He asked if I wanted him to check up on me and I said what is the point? Two days later I gathered my thoughts and wrote him an email of what I wanted to say but couldn’t because I was having such shock. I never got a reply.
I’m doing NC and it’s been a week and it’s killing me inside. I’m constantly wondering if he is thinking about me or even wants to speak to me. He hasn’t said anything since he left. No text, call, or anything. Would the NC even work for me? I miss him so much and I’m still in such a state of shock 7 days later….
Richie

July 24, 2019 at 6:25 pm

Hi chris,
I did NC rule for 29 days, we both were angry during break up, during this rule, First three days he textd me to reply back, then i just got one message per every week during whole NC period, finally i couldnt resist n missing him badly i broke rule. Now he s txtng single word txts, 3 to 5 txts per day to which i reply. When i ask hw long he continues same, he keeps saying everythng s fine he s just busy. I dnt find any love or bonding of us existed before. I feel like he s txtng me mechanically with out any love, if i doesnt reply for long time he express his single word irritation. He s nt even caring me as before. I really doesnt understand what s his inner feeling. If he s not interested, he shud hv ignored than textng. He asked me to reply n aftr i do n he s behaving he doesnt care r love me anymore. his way is totally hurting me and ruining my little left over peace n making ne sad. Can u pls explicit what may be his inner feeling. Should i move on??
Y.

June 29, 2019 at 4:48 am

Hey! I found myself in the situation of him sending me a cold text after 19days of no contact to pick up his stuff and asking from me not being there. I answered as you suggest but told him I had changed my locks so I needed to be there. By the end of the message he became more kind and even saying he is sorry that he has to stop the chat because he needs to go (although the ‘chat’ was super business-typical from my side). How to proceed from here? Doesn’t this mean that he had all this time (3weeks) to think it over and he is sure that he doesn’t want to be with me? Can you really overturn such a situation? Me and my ex were together 3,5years and living together almost all of them. He broke up with me after a fight saying mean things.
Joy

June 24, 2019 at 9:36 pm

Hi Chris! Started NC has advised over a week ago (without giving heads up)…he started reaching out first day of the second week;calling and sending messages (three days in a row now). Messages like answer me, is this how it is now?, he also called thrice so far. Is this positive gnating? If not what do I say after no contact period about ignoring him? I am also friends with his brother and i missed his call today, what do i say to the brother if he asks me why I haven’t been responding to my ex’s texts and calls? Thanks.
N.B: Its a long distance relationship which is making me consider a 21 days NC.
Em K

June 19, 2019 at 8:04 pm

Hey there so I’m kind of on the fence about no contact. We’ve been dating about 6 months. Talking for a year and it’s long distance. There are really strong feelings however I was really stressed/sick when we were dating and had some hangups so I wasn’t the best gf. He decided to end it and he told me during a later conversation that he couldn’t see it going anywhere good. I think he’s just trying to protect himself from getting hurt. I didn’t react well to the breakup, did get him to agree to think things over and he did we were having a good convo and he opened up but then he took the conversation to a sexual place. That freaked him out and he didn’t talk to me for like 2 weeks. It’s only been 3 weeks or so since the breakup which he ended it a couple days before I was supposed to fly down. He has been checking my social media and such. I know I still want to date him if he changes his mind but I don’t know if I should pull back and he’ll rethink or if him opening up and talking would help more. We had a good convo when he opened back up the other day and he kept talking to me so I know he misses me.
S

June 17, 2019 at 3:44 am

My boyfriend broke up with me last Tuesday, after being together for a year and a few months. We were on a 3 week trip in Costa Rica in May, to which we got a little distant towards the end, but we talked about it and made up, and he expressed how glad he was that we talked about it. The night we flew home was the only night we had apart (stayed at our parents’ houses), then the next day we drove over together to my parent’s vacation house (where my boyfriend and I live for summer). This was Memorial Day weekend, and lots of friends were in town and came over to our house, so we felt like we were partying for 3 days straight, which we didn’t really want to be doing. We did have fun though, although got in a stupid drunk fight, but we made up. We always make up, and that’s one thing he always loved and wanted. Then he kept saying how he just wanted all our friends to leave (more were coming over in a day or two) because we were burnt out and needed to do all kinds of yard work, gardening, how he wanted to get back into his gym routine..etc. he even said he just wanted some time with me. Then more friends came over, more partying that we weren’t into, had another little fight..made up, etc. but we started to become distant the week before he broke up with me still and didn’t really get any time to ourselves. So June 8th, I left our vacation house to go home to my parent’s house for the weekend to see family and friends, and let my boyfriend have some space that I felt we needed. He was really distant over the weekend, and I knew he was out partying every night with his coworker friends in this tourist town. when I got back Monday night at midnight, I knew he was going to break up with me. We both woke up in the middle of the night, and I asked him, and he said he thought it was best. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, that he’s having more fun with his friends and didn’t want me to really come back, said we’re different, wants to do whatever he wants without his decisions affecting someone else, that he’s in his prime years, wants to travel alone, said he doesn’t feel 100% committed anymore, even said he’s been attracted to and lusting after other girls, but that he still loves and cares about me and I am still his best friend. He used to be the one that was 1000% committed, constantly said that hanging out with friends was a waste of time, didn’t want to party and just wanted to get back in shape, that he loved this life with me. Now he just did a total 180 and turned completely immature. I just cried a ton though during the breakup, and there wasn’t any fighting. I felt I couldn’t convince him to change his mind. He was here the whole day until he went to work, and he held me and hugged me, hugged me goodbye and was overall very nice. He only took some necessities with him to stay at his friend’s house, where he’s been staying ever since. He came over on Thursday to mow the lawn before my parents got here, and we hugged when he got here and i feared up, and I definitely did some things maybe wrong (like try to hold his hand to have him follow me so I could show him something) and he let go and had his hand on my back instead, or playing a playlist of old favorite songs that mean something to us. Here and there I would talk or make jokes as friends, but we still didn’t talk a whole lot. He probably knew I was hurting inside but I tried to be stronger this day. Then I went on his phone to send myself more pictures from Costa Rica, and I saw somewhat flirty texts from a younger coworker girl, then pictures of her on a swing at the lake here at midnight the night before. He only told me that him and his friend Frank snuck into a hottub that night, and not about this or other people. There’s no way he’d have pictures of only her on his phone to keep if he didn’t feel something. He doesn’t know I saw all this. When he was leaving he asked what I was going to tell my parents when they come over, and to tell them that he just needed space and works all weekend, then gave me a hug goodbye. That night I had the biggest breakdown of my life while I was driving, a full blown anxiety or panic attack, that I’ve never had before. Even my limbs started falling asleep. I felt he was the only person that could help me, that I felt close enough to. I was so scared but called some friends who calmed me down. I also wanted to tell him that I felt I needed to tell my parents. He originally wanted to wait a couple weeks (when his parents come over) and be “mature and say we broke up” instead of that he broke up with me, solely because he knows everyone will be pissed at him. As if he’s guilty or knows he’s making a big mistake. I texted him after my breakdown saying that I really wanted to talk to him, even as friend, that I wasn’t okay earlier and was scared to be alone, and I tried to call him. He said sorry for not answering and not being there to talk, that he would like to, but he was with people and it wasn’t the right scene. So then I didn’t reply because I felt I was just being swept under the rug, that I wasn’t a priority. The next morning I texted him asking if he was awake, because I still wanted to let him know that I was going to tell my parents (because I didn’t want my wild dad blindsiding him and calling him & freaking out on him). Our parents were also having dinner together Thursday night, talking about the plan for my boyfriend’s parents to take us to Italy, and none of them knew we broke up. So after I asked if he was awake, he said Yes how are you, then I said I wanted to call him, but he said he was at breakfast with friends. Another excuse. I didn’t reply and I finally called my mom. Then he texted me asking if I was alright, then sent another text saying he knows how I can feel, that having a broken heart is the worst, and he feels terrible for being the one breaking it, but that everything he told me is the truth and I need to understand that, and that he didn’t want me to be alone, he was worried. And told me to occupy my thoughts and surround myself with people. I didn’t reply. It felt like he was implying he didn’t have a broken heart, only felt bad for breaking mine. I know inside that he probably is heart broken. My issue here is that his parents and some of my family are all coming over next weekend to stay at our house, bringing boats and jet skis, and I doubt my boyfriend told them what happened yet. I’m debating on leaving (and missing out on a fun weekend) or possibly just being around him and having fun with my family. I really do want to see him, even as a friend, and there is a comfort in being around him. However i want him to come back to me so badly. I don’t know how much he’ll be around either, since he is still staying at his friends house (even though all his clothes and stuff is here), and he will probably be working a lot. And I don’t know if he was planning on telling his parents around me or what. I am at a total loss of what to do. I am feeling so desperate. Please please please help me out

Chris Seiter

June 17, 2019 at 3:17 pm

Hi S….so I see a lot has been going on and you have been thru a lot. My best general advice is to have a sensible ex recovery plan that you can follow to lift up your self from an emotional and recovery standpoint. This same plan should also help you with making the right moves during this period. That is what my Program is about.

Mike

June 16, 2019 at 10:18 pm

It might sound funny.. But my ex 2 days after I decided on the no contact rule for one month after I will leave his house (we were living together for 2 years) we chat a bit after I packed stuff and actually said he think we might need time to heal and it will be better to cut contact for 1 month or 1 month and half

So if the one that dumped me and made ul his mind about breaking up thinking its a good idea by himself without me mentioning it at all, it it still work?
Joy

June 15, 2019 at 10:54 pm

Thanks a lot!
Joy

June 15, 2019 at 3:07 pm

Thanks for your professional insight Chris! Its a beautiful job you are doing. I have few follow up questions….1. How long should the no contact be this time around, the first was a month+ 2. I hope going into no contact won’t give the impression that I’m so hurt, angry or distraught to talk to him. Thanks.

Chris Seiter

June 15, 2019 at 10:50 pm

YOu can can give him a heads up that you need some alone time for the foreseeable future. Just keep it vague. As to how long your NC period should be – that really depends on many variables but the rang is usually around the thirty day mark. But NC is an adaptable strategy, so consider picking up my lengthy eBook on the topic, “No Contact Rule Book”.

Faith

June 15, 2019 at 1:37 am

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend and best friend of nearly 6 years broke up with me a month ago. Also to top it all off on the day I found out I was getting let go at my job. He says the reason was he needed to sort himself out and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and that he just needed some space. But having said that, he says he still wants to be friends, see me and help me with any work related things i.e interview prep etc if I ever needed. As you can imagine I’m absolutely devastated because he is my best friend and I still love/care about him.

When he moved out we spoke over the phone and I said that I would need a couple of days or weeks before we hung out again, and asked for him to respect that (even though I really just want to talk to him and see him everyday).

On the 31st May it was his birthday and I decided to break that by sending him a birthday wishes text, he wrote back ‘it was lovely to hear from me’ and ended in ‘take care xx’

Since then I’ve strayed the NC, it’s now been 15 days, but in terms of last time I seen and properly spoken to him has been 32days. Why should I do? Do you think I should contact him or continue to my 30days NC from the last time I texted him? Also, we’ve been together near 6 years I’m just scared that I’m just going to push him away more or thinks that I don’t care or miss him anymore, to top it off it worries me because he says he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship for at least a few months or years!
Joy

June 14, 2019 at 7:14 pm

Hi Chris,
I feel like I’m in a complicated situation…my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for almost two years now(although we have dated for 7years in total). He broke up with me late last year, I implemented the no contact rule, he came back…we were together for five months thereabout(although the emotional connection wasn’t the way i wanted) and we started working towards being together soon; it was a work in progress but May ending, he said he’s feelings didnt improve, he doesn’t have the right feelings for me anymore and not sure about settling with me (cos he’s scared feelings might not improve when we get together). I called few days later to make him realise I’m not down for back and forth and I’ll have to move on, he said he understands and concluded we have grown apart…he still contacts to check on me and i answer according to my discretion although I have not initiated contact. I am not sure if i should intiate total no contact or just receive contact from him. I’m anticipating your reply.Thanks. P.S: I’m still processing getting closer to where he is though it’s not solely because of him…

Chris Seiter

June 14, 2019 at 8:34 pm

Hi Joy….I think you will be able to heal and move on to your self recovery activities better if you were employing No contact. That does not prevent him from coming back into the picture…but sometimes it takes extended time and space for a guy to realize what is really important to them and to learn to appreciate your growing value.

Rachel

June 13, 2019 at 12:03 pm

Me and my boyfriend broke up two weeks ago and have text pretty much every day. In the initial few days it was him sending me funny videos ect but now I feel it’s more me wanting to talk to him.
We were together for 6 months but it all moved very fast and we just clicked from day one. We broke up on good terms it was just that he wouldn’t fully commit to the relationship and I wanted a fully committed relationship (he has commitment issues) everything was so great though and I miss him so much.
I’ve read about no contact and I’m wondering if it’s too late to start it and if this is the best option for us? I want him back 🙁

Chris Seiter

June 13, 2019 at 2:43 pm

I think it would be a good move for you Rachel. I talk about NC in great detail in my Program (EBR PRO Bundle), so give it look!

dean

June 3, 2019 at 9:38 pm

Hi, I need an advice regarding my situation. My boyfriend broke up with me second time. We were together for 4 months. We broke up a week ago. I am not sure if I should continue with No Contact rule or not. He broke up with me through Whatsapp by saying he is not ready for relationship and because he doesn`t have a same amount of feelings toward me. First time we broke up because I was neglecting him and taking him for granted. Few days before our last break up we went to the club where he was flirting with some other guy in the club. He even proposed to me that I find someone else in that club to flirt with. I was shocked by the whole situation especially because we had a romantic dinner that night. I didn`t make a scene and told him that he gives me keys so I am going home. We went home that night together. I tried to forget the whole situation but a week after he broke up with me over Whatsapp mentioning that I have repressed what happened in the club that night. The only thing I told him that day was that I believe I am loosing my time with him and that he doesn`t really know what he wants. When he sent me that message that he is breaking up he offered me to meet and talk about it but I ignored his call since I was so pissed off on him because he did it over Whatsapp. I apologized immediately and he said how nice and considerate person I am and that he hopes we will stay friends. I sent him a Thank you letter 2 days after the breakup apologizing for everything and saying that I failed and I don`t deserve him. He never replied. He is occasionally looking at my Instagram stories. Should I ask him to meet and try to figure out what really happened? One more thing, before he was flirting that night he was super jealous on me when I was messaging some other guy without any intention. Many thanks
Robin

May 28, 2019 at 1:56 am

Hi….I’m totally confused. Not sure if we broke up. Not a third party. Work and family stress and inwas not supportive I guess as I could have been. He shut down and stop speaking answering texts or calls but I know he reads my text. I asked him to just tell me if he does not want me or the relationship let me know…..first real mishap. He is very stubborn. Very stubborn. I know we still care very deeply but he just won’t say a word to me. Not sure what to do..
Cheska U

May 18, 2019 at 12:30 pm

Hi! I love this website! Yeah this NC rule is kind of complicated. I am 4 days into the NC rule but I’m not sure if I should still be doing this until 21 or 30 days because I broke up with him and we’re in a long distance relationship. He’s been messaging me everyday since I started the NC rule. Should I still continue it or should I break it already?

Chris Seiter

May 18, 2019 at 11:08 pm

Yep…so true Cheska….there is a lot to NC, so it helps to have a blueprint on how to deal with it. Check out my Program if you have not had a chance!

Shine

May 12, 2019 at 4:50 am

Hi. I and my ex broken near 1 month. She broken up w me because I didn’t spend time for her. After break up few days she is already in new relationship.

I make mistake that I slept w her while I am trying NC for 5 days. After that I start my NC again, I feel like she is comfortable without my appearance.

I still feel strong about her even sometimes that I am confused should I take her back or not. We are long distance. My NC is alr for 5 days.

I miss her every day but today I have a dream about how she left me in the past. It’s so painful for me if we can come back. I am confuse about I want her back or leave for good.
May

May 7, 2019 at 7:54 pm

Hey,

I’ve been doing no contact for 7 days so far. I want to check what the right thing is to do in my situation.
I was with my ex for over 3 years and generally was quite a calm relationship. I needed some space and handled it badly and I split up with him. Since we have mainly spoke not many days in between and met quite a few times. He’s said he needs space to think after I’d suggested we’d try again. I think it’s right for me to do no contact. There’s no animosity between us but I’ve clearly hurt him. We both care about each other and have said that.

Do you think no contact is right for me?

Thank you
May

Chris Seiter

May 7, 2019 at 8:06 pm

HI May….yes, I think it will benefit you both. Give him a heads up about it if you see fit. Put the focus on your continued healing/recovery and personal growth.

There will be opportunities to connect in the future

Sherlee

May 4, 2019 at 12:44 pm

I’ve dated my ex for almost 8 months. We have really good chemistry. We’re both physically attracted to each other. But I’ve been getting more needy when the relationship progressed. He says that I take a lot of his time. In addition, I’ve been getting upset with him a lot when I feel like my emotion needs aren’t met. He says I lashed out on him a lot. Also, we don’t communicate well. Both of us are stubborn and don’t listen to each other. He broke up with me. I panicked, I pleaded, and even tried to hold him back with force. But his decision still remains. He said he’s still physically attracted to but he’s repulsed by me at the emotional attraction. We communicate and compromised to stay as friends for a month then decide to leave it or break it. I didn’t talk to him for about a week and a half. I guess I was starting the no contact but failed when he reached out (it was his birthday and we planned for something way in advance for that). He said he has a strong emotional connection with me and don’t want to lose me as his best friend. So he insist that we start as friend and maybe work our way into a new relationship because the relationship we were in was hurting him and he needed to feel safe. After a week and a half of no contact, I ended things for good. But I never gave this “being friends” thing a chance. What should I do at this point? Should I implement another no contact or should I try to be his friend so he can see that I am willing to improve? If the later, how do I communicate with him that I am only giving this a try because I want a new relationship with him? I really really want him back as a boyfriend.
slr

May 4, 2019 at 12:34 pm

I’ve dated my ex for almost 8 months. We have really good chemistry. We’re both physically attracted to each other. But I’ve been getting more needy when the relationship progressed. He says that I take a lot of his time. In addition, I’ve been getting upset with him a lot when I feel like my emotion needs aren’t met. He says I lashed out on him a lot. Also, we don’t communicate well. Both of us are stubborn and don’t listen to each other. He broke up with me. I panicked, I pleaded, and even tried to hold him back with force. But his decision still remains. I didn’t talk to him for about a week and a half. I guess I was starting the no contact but failed when he reached out (it was his birthday and we planned for something way in advance for that). He said he has a strong emotional connection with me and don’t want to lose me as his best friend. So he insist that we start as friend and maybe work our way into a new relationship because the relationship we were in was hurting him and he needed to feel safe. After a week and a half of no contact, I ended things for good. But I never gave this “being friends” thing a chance. What should I do at this point? I really really want him back as a boyfriend.

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748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”