Learn When The No Contact Rule Won't Work On Your Ex

748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

Viv

January 24, 2019 at 10:01 pm

I need urgent advice! Sorry for the complicated message coming up…

My long term ex just moved out of our shared home today. He returns next week, to crash here for another week and a half before he leaves permanently. He’s a phd student and has arranged a funded overseas placement, after which he’ll return to our city but we’ll live apart and potentially never see each other again.

We’ve been together for almost seven years: long distance for one year (but only an hour apart, so we saw each other quite frequently), followed by living together for almost five, then living together for another year after that whilst technically exes because neither of us could afford to move out.

During our final year which is now coming to an end, there were basically six months acting like exes with him sleeping on the sofa and us barely talking, then another six months in this weird limbo where we sometimes had sex, slept in the same bed, and hung out a lot like close friends, but sadly nothing very romantic happened because we were so stressed and confused. Now he’s going overseas for five months.

This isn’t our first break up – he cheated on me halfway through our relationship but we reunited after a few weeks apart – and technically I was the one who said it this time, but I later tried to retract it and he refused. I deeply regret saying it during an argument, when he was cruel to me and I was literally feverish with the flu. It was stupid. But once it sunk in, he accepted it and wouldn’t go back.

I’ve done all of the wrong things: begging, suggesting open/long distance/friends only, trying to stop him leaving and offering to go with him. Currently the agreement is that once he leaves the country, we won’t talk for the entire time he’s away unless he initiates – I suggested that to stop me from initiating. Plan is to allow him to contact me, if he wants to, when he returns for friendship or possibly more. He knows he doesn’t have to message me, so he probably won’t. He’s a sweetheart but a poor communicator, tends to act passively aggressively and evidently feels guilty about leaving me, based on everything he’s said. He’s going to continue paying his share of the rent for several months (until the end of the tenancy, after which I’ll renew alone) and I can’t afford to decline the offer.

We both say we still love each other but he doesn’t want to continue. We got together when he was 21 and never had a proper relationship before or even sex with another girl – now he’s almost 29 and will obviously get to explore these opportunities. Also, British guy visiting America – women are going to fall at his feet!

What do I do? My plan was to go NC for the good of *my* emotional health, but I’ve handed him a get-out-of-jail-free card where he never has to speak to me again and I’ve foolishly offered not to contact him. Also, I stupidly used the phrase “no contact.” I know, from many conversations, that he doesn’t want ongoing contact with me after leaving so how can I retract my offer whilst not appearing to be demanding contact, or freak him out? And what if he says no?

The other thing I need to figure out is, even if he agrees to occasional contact, then how long do I go NC for (given that he’s in a different continent for the next five months) and how do I build rapport with no opportunity to meet? The build up would be really slow and I can see him easily becoming distracted. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t think it would work having any contact at all – I thought it would be best to give him those five months completely off, count to one month once he returned to my country/city, then contact him. But five months seems way too long…

Please help! I need to decide what to do, and potentially tell him that our NC plan is off, within the next week.

Chris Seiter

January 24, 2019 at 11:33 pm

It sounds like you would benefit from my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”! It’s 245 pages in length and I get into the various uses and adaptations of the NC rule. First and foremost, NC is for you, not for him. Getting some much needed healing and recovery and focusing on your personal growth are all important elements of the NC period. As it turns out, it can also have positive benefits in giving you ex time to re-evaluate things and come to miss you. Meanwhile, you are not idle. When implemented properly, you should be doing things to reinforce your value.

Faby Flores

January 24, 2019 at 9:02 pm

Hi Chris, my ex-boyfriend and I dated gor almost eight years. We did fight a lot about stupid things but we would always make up. Then in November of last year he went to visit family out of state and three days before having to come back, he ended things with me through text. I unfortunately begged him and stated my case as to why he shouldn’t break things off. I basically annoyed him until he blocked me on social media and even through call and text. I had a feeling he broke up with me to be with somebody else, but he denied it. Three weeks after our breakup, I find out he’s dating his teen crush and from what I’ve heard, they are in “love”. But prior to this, his now current girlfriend reached out to me and said she could never see him as anything more than just a friend, and now a few days later they’re talking about being each other’s love of their lives and even talking about marriage. Everyone says she’s a rebound, but is it still considered a rebound if they have been friends for half their lives? And would no contact work, even if I’ve pestered him for a month, and also considering he seems madly in love with his new girlfriend?

Chris Seiter

January 24, 2019 at 11:35 pm

Hi Faby….so 8 years establishes roots and that can come into positive play later as its hard to permanently break a long term couple. Perhaps she is a rebound…time will tell… but I do think NC is the right approach as practiced in my Program.

Iveth

January 10, 2019 at 6:00 am

Hi, christ
I been dating this guy for 5 months now, we been talking for 11 months, i really like him and he knows it, at first he said he wanted to have kids and a wife, he even said that he was thinking of me for his future, but he needed to be sure first, this was when we were just talking, after few months he ask me to be his girlfriend, now he said he doesn’t feel the same way i do, in love, he is confuse he does know what he wants for sure he does want commitment because he is in the army, so he leaves and come back, i think he is affraid of what he is feeling toward me he does want to commit because he knows eventually he will leave he does want to get heartbroken, either do i but i felt for him, we get along very well since we met we been talking to eachother, no fight, no argument just misunderstanding, my question is this, i want him to realized that he does feel something for me and its more than just a physical attraction, he has proven that he does love me his actions toward me and my daughter said it, he haven’t say i love you what he said is i like you, even tho we get a long well and we are together do i do Nc rule , and do i let him know what iam doing cause i would feel awful if i don’t cause we had talk about if the event that we no longer want to be with eachother we would say it and not ghost one another. Please advise thank you

Chris Seiter

January 11, 2019 at 12:48 am

Hi Iveth!

Best if you had an ex recovery plan to help you through not just your personal healing, but how to optimize your chances going forward. NC can be a path forward but its best to understand well how it all works.

Jodie

December 25, 2018 at 7:34 pm

Hi Chris
My boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago because he said it just wasn’t working. I am aware I was very depednat on him with my issues and pushed him away. We were together 4 years. I messaged him after two weeks to meet and he said it was too soon and unneccessary and he didn’t want to be interogated as to why we broke up. I ended it saying that he can meet me when he’s ready and I’ll work on my issues in the meantime. He said he hope everything will work out for the best and I said I’d leave him alone. Im now on day 5 of NC but he hasn’t sent anything. Do I still have a chance to get him back even if he’s too stubborn to message?

Chris Seiter

December 25, 2018 at 11:28 pm

Hi Jodie!

So don’t expect your ex to necessarily reach out during NC. Yes, you do have a chance. Just follow the teachings in my 485 page eBook, “EBR PRO” and remember to keep the focus on your recovery and healing needs during this stage

ClementIces

November 16, 2018 at 7:26 pm

Hy Chris,
Hmmm .
I’m currently going through toff time with ma broken relationship. My lovely gf started asking for time for herself and then move to requestING to be single but she says not willing to break the relationship and finally requesting that we should be frnds which means there’s no relationship but in this case she don’t won’t make that status know to the outsiders (Family & frnds), but between us we know we re not dating..

The whole issue is that we started dating when I was with at the University and I have completed now but she is still on campus.there was one guy whom she use to visit without ma notice and I once told her I don’t like her relationship with that guy but ignore and when I left campus she sometimes spend night with this same guy I was avoiding her while I was on campus and aft all this I let go and says I still love u..
Now this lady started given me attitude so badly.
Complaining that I’m been striCT on her , I always want to hear from her .

She then told me she wants us to be “frnds but she is not looking elsewhere”. Then i apply the NC rule. But she keeps calling and texting sometimes I reply and sometimes I ignore now just this week she sent me a msg requestin that we come back to the relationship. .

No am confuse whether to accept the back or not.
Pls advice me

Thank you
Anon

November 16, 2018 at 4:20 pm

During our relationship of almost 3 years, this is the third time we are breaking up.
First time he decided that is too complicated for him, I have a daughter and he was not ready for the real family thing. I did the no contact rule and after 20 days he insisted to meet me. He told me then he missed me a lot and wanted to try again. He moved to my house until the next year where he got depressed because of his financial situation and said that he is wasting my time, he wanted to propose me, but he had so many problems to fix first, and was unsure that he can fix them. He left. We kind of did the no contact rule, but a month after he told me that he needed to think more about us and decide once for all.

I gave him the space he needed and after two months he asked me to accept him. He was 90% sure, but there are still 10% that he is thinking about. I said OK.

I was fine for not marrying him, but he is the one who believes in marriage. To have kids we should be married first.

This year his financial problems appeared again. I try to support him during his depression, to give him space. He was pulling me away. One day I told him that he is treating me very bad and I didn’t deserve this. Told him that I am not sure if he will ever commit. He said he knows that I want to get married, but he can’t propose me right now and he is feeling bad because he even doesn’t know why he can’t propose me. Since this was not the first time I was hearing it, I told him that is better to break up then. Told him that I love him, and I was able to wait the right moment for him, but if he feels that he can’t propose me is not fair for have me all to himself. One hour later he went to his parents’ house.

Not going into details about our relationship, but yes, it was special, we respected each other very much, sharing mutual interests… He became a real father to my daughter. I want him back but I wnat him committed. I don’t want to spend one more year and then break up again.

He knows that my way is not to talk to him when we are separated (my no contact rule) and he hasn’t reach me yet. Also, only 4 days have passed. I am confused what my next step should be. Do I continue with the no rule contact? My guts are telling me that he should be the one to call/text first, but then should I reply to him?
Tori

November 14, 2018 at 9:13 am

Hi Chris
My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago. He said he couldn’t stand the small fights anymore. I was so devastated and I told him I couldn’t talk to him. But he said he really wanted to stay in contact and he still liked me. We texted back and forth for three weeks and I decided to go on to no contact.

I did no contact for 37 days. ( I didn’t text or call him and he didn’t either) After that I texted him and asked for his address so I could send his clothes back to him. He said sure but also asked me to keep one of them?? Why would he want me to keep his stuff?? Then I started to keep up the conversation but it felt weird. I was also the one who starts the conversation and he sometimes takes hours to reply. Then I sent him a long voice mail and he was really pissed. He asked me not to do that again. I also asked him why he is being so distant now and why he seemed like he doesn’t want to talk to me.(although he would reply and tell me how his day went) He replied because I disappeared for a long time and now he just doesn’t feel like texting a lot. I asked if he still liked me and he say no. Did I make a mistake by doing no contact at the first place? I’m really confused I don’t know what to do now.
Isabella

November 14, 2018 at 2:34 am

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me a few days ago. We met when I was in year 11 and him in year 12. He wanted to meet in person and talk about it but I picked up on the signs and it happened over text. He said things like that I was holding him back, that things were static and boring in his life now and a relationship was holding him back, and he felt like a different person and that he needs to lead a different life. He then also told me it wasn’t my fault and that I was there for him emotionally. It was completely out of the blue though, and I can sort of pinpoint when he started realising something. He broke up with me 3 days later.

I fear that what’s actually happened is that in the span of a year he has quit two jobs that were emotionally taxing, the last one being abusive and not paying well, and he is depressed and lost right now. Not feeling like himself, things apparently being boring and static when just a few days ago we were still trying new things with each other, attending free courses,and making plans for the future. I actually helped him out when we realised his job was abusive and he told me that I cover for some of his major flaws, and that i really complete him. I don’t know if me holding him back was that he thinks he spends to much time on me and not enough on work or if he means from other people, or that he feels like he isn’t growing as a person. I know he never cheated on me, and that he was still in love with me til the very end at least. And I want to fight for him because I believed in what we had.

I think we might need time apart to grow, but I don’t know what to do. When we broke up I did tell him I would wait for him, because I may have begged him for a break and he said “he doesn’t believe in them”. I’m really lost at the moment.

Chris Seiter

November 14, 2018 at 4:05 am

HI Isabella…i see that you have been thru a lot. Looks like no contact could be a solution for you but you should take a deep dive into my site to learn more about it….books, videos, posts, podcasts. Sponge it up and yes, having some time apart can be good medicine.

Danielle

November 13, 2018 at 5:16 pm

Hi! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I’m breaking up with him due to him not wanting to have a serious relationship with me right now. We’ve recently had the hard conversation where I told him if he couldn’t commit I had to walk away. There is no anger or fighting between us right now but I told him that I can’t talk to him anymore if we break up. He’s very upset about this and since that conversation has sent a text telling me he can’t completely cut me out of his life. He still wants to remain friends and I absolutely do not want to be just his friend. I already agreed to meet back with him this weekend to talk about this again but since I’ve already told him I can’t talk to him after the actual breakup, have I already ruined NC before I even started it? And what should I say when I see him again and he brings up remaining friends and keeping in contact? I don’t want to hurt him and by his reaction to not being able to talk to me (tears) I second guessed my decision about doing NC but I also know he’s trying to have the benefit of me without committing to me. We’ve always been best friends throughout our relationship and love each other deeply, I’m just not sure how to proceed.
Nicky

November 2, 2018 at 9:35 am

Hi Chris,
My ex bf and I officially broke up a month ago, this is our first break up and we were happily living together for almost a year with very minimal fighting. I have since moved out to a new place. We texted and called each other at first for a while then I tried NC for about 7 days but had to break it as I realized I had some of his identification/work documents and reached out to him to give it back I him. When I did (a 2 minute exchange) he expressed his desire to come see how my new place looks at a later time. I agreed. Any advice on how a I should act when he comes visit? (I plan on acting a little indifferent but looking my ultimate best and be open to a conversation)

Chris Seiter

November 2, 2018 at 10:50 pm

Hi Nicky!

Just be yourself and positive. Avoid relationship talk. Try to enjoy the moment. Connections are about sharing moments together that are positive and fulfilling.

Kimberly

October 31, 2018 at 6:37 pm

Before I came across Ex Boyfriend Recovery, I had implemented NC on my own to try to heal emotionally. (This began 10/7) I broke NC after he called several times a day for several days in a row then sent an upsetting text. I lashed out at him via text message. I ended up blocking him, but then a couple days later sent him an apology email for lashing out. (10/25) In the email, I indicated that I was still very hurt by his actions. My question is, do I restart the 30 day period after our last contact? How do I handle breaking NC?

Chris Seiter

November 1, 2018 at 2:56 am

Hi Kimberly!

Glad you found us. I would add another week or two. I get into all of this and more in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”.

Nico

October 31, 2018 at 1:22 pm

Hi Chris,

Me and my boyfriend broke up for about a week we have been together for a year. He is the one that want to break up with me. In this 1 week of no contact I have reflected myself and I know what went wrong in our relationship. And I want him back. So I broke the no contact rule and I texted him yesterday. Our conservation is awkward and short. So what should I do now? Should I restart the no contact rule? Please help. Really appreciate! thanks.

Chris Seiter

November 1, 2018 at 3:03 am

Hi Nico!

So i think if things are not moving positively, you will want to re-start no contact. Give you ex a heads up. And pick up one of my lengthy Guides so you are up to speed on this ex recovery process!

Sarah

October 30, 2018 at 12:16 pm

Hello Chris,

One of the things I read in this article is to not implement no contact if our relationship is successful with very minimal fights or else it could backfire. I haven’t contacted my ex for 9 days since we last saw each other. Do you think it’s best to get in touch with him now or wait until I hit 14 day mark.
We were together for 4 years.
We broke up because of commitment issues on his end.

Chris Seiter

October 31, 2018 at 12:13 am

Hi Sarah!

As mentioned, 4 years gives you some traction going forward. That kind of time together helps later. Too early to break NC. Be sure to do the things I talk about in my program to build your value and create attraction.

Rebecca

October 27, 2018 at 4:47 pm

Hi Chris,
You informed me to give my husband a heads up so he wouldn’t be in the dark so I texted him what you say to text in your no contact book in the “exceptions to the no contact rule” section and he responded asking what I’m talking about. In your book it says to not respond to any questions, does this apply to the question “what are you talking about?” Like he’s confused or should I just start no contact now?

Chris Seiter

October 28, 2018 at 4:32 am

Hi Rebecca!

In this case, I think reaching out to him to clarify what you mean would help so he understands you need a little quiet time.

Rebecca

October 26, 2018 at 12:55 pm

Hi Chris,
I am starting the no contact rule on my husband that has left me and claims to have filed for divorce, even though I’m not sure if he actually has. Either way, I’m buying your no contact rule book today and I’m expecting that he will reach out and when I don’t respond, he will turn negative. I know above you gave some examples of negative texts that are simply looking for a response, but what if he said something along the lines of “I think it’s best we move on with our lives”? Is that attention seeking as well? Or is that when I should respond because he’s really moving on? He’s said things like this when I attempted no contact before and I gave in, so I’m expecting he will do the same thing this time around and I want to make sure I respond, or don’t respond, the right way!

Chris Seiter

October 27, 2018 at 2:24 am

Hi Rebecca!

You will enjoy the NC Rule Book. It gives you a lot of insight into all things no contact, but also what you can do to find some much deserved healing. Yeah, he will probably try such tactics again. Consider giving him a heads up that you are going to be needing some quiet time in your life to reflect on things and also focus on your healing. That way he will understand why you are not responsive. He may still not like it, but he won’t be in the dark.

Mae

October 25, 2018 at 1:57 pm

Hi,

What should I do if my ex wanted to arrange for me to pick up my things from his place? Should I break the NC for that? Also, if he wanted to talk about the past relationship or the decision, should I ignore that as well? Couldn’t it be a chance he wanted to talk things through?

Thanks

Chris Seiter

October 25, 2018 at 8:14 pm

Hi Mae!

This sort of thing…arranging to pick up belongings…happens and you work to get it done with the least impact as possible. Probably best to avoid any conflict that might arise and if talking about the relationship creates negative feelings, then table that .

Alisha

October 22, 2018 at 5:50 am

Hi Team,

I am struggling to make sense of my situation. My ex ended things 2 Sundays ago, after a week of distance. It came to me as a shock as it has only been around 3 months (so not long) but genuinely happy all the time and we have never argued.

It stems from our last date 2 Fridays before the “break-up”. He initaited this date as I was away on holiday the weekend before. There was slight problem as he had been having “performance issues”. I put this down on us waiting for that till the 16th date. So added a lot of pressure and performance anxiety for him, as all the other intimate stuff was incredible so we had high expectations for “it” to be too. We have chemistry so I have no doubt that things were going to be fine.

So back to the Friday date and the “issue” struck again. He could barely look at me after and we cuddled and he didn’t want to talk. I didn’t push as I know that’s an issue you discuss not after the event. So we fell asleep. I could tell the next day it was still playing on his mind. But knew he was out with friends that evening so thought I would leave the conversation for another time. There was never another time as he pulled away after that. I pushed for an answer and the following Sunday he said he has had “cold feet” for a while.

I’ve been on the receiving end of cold feet. The date before my weekend holiday was beautiful. While away he was so sweet and soppy like always. Then he initaited the date when I got back. His behaviour didn’t change till that night. So all in all it doesn’t feel like the classic case of cold feet.

As this is a bit of a unique situation where his male ego is involved. I’m not sure how long of the no contact rule I should apply. It’s been 7 days since I’ve last texted – which was the “break-up” text.

Would appreciate your advice and thank you in advance. Sorry it was a little too much information but just trying to get you guys to understand the situation.

Thank, Alisha

Chris Seiter

October 24, 2018 at 3:50 am

Hi Alisha!

Usually NC periods run 21 to 45 days, but everybody’s situation is different. Go pick up my 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it serves as an excellent Companion Guide to help you through this whole process! It can help you so much more than I can here with just a few words.

NLC

October 19, 2018 at 2:50 am

Hi Chris, my boyfriend broke up with me a week before meeting his parents for a woman he met in Vegas two weeks prior. There was no indication that there were any problems. We’ve been together 3 years.His reasons was that he saw no future with me but he did with his Vegas woman. I’ve applied NC three weeks ago but he saw me in my car leaving for work today. Will that effect the NC?

Chris Seiter

October 19, 2018 at 3:05 am

Hi NLC!

3 years is pretty solid and that kind traction can come into play later. Your ex could be chasing a dream. Him seeing you in a car if anything will likely have a positive effect. It could get his head thinking about that which he left behind.

Maggie

October 15, 2018 at 7:20 pm

Hrye, Chris! I broke up with him last Thursday and haven’t spoken to him since then. He’s been acting weird: suddenly he’s interacting with me in social media, something he never did while we were dating… he keeps checking my instagram stories and answers my polls and questions. I know that’s normal behavior, but he’s never done that before, I feel like he’s trying to get my attention. Thing is, he works at the pet shop where I buy cat food (that’s how we met). I don’t go everyday, but my pets will need food nex week. Should I keep my distance if he tries to talk to me about us? This is our first break up, and I dumped him because I felt like he didn’t appreciate me. Actually, because he’d rather go out with his mommy than me… and now I’m thinking thay maybe it was too much. His mother lives far away and he wouldn’t see her until Christmas, so maybe he wasn’t being such a mommy’s boy. So, any advice is welcome. Thanks a lot!

Chris Seiter

October 16, 2018 at 3:00 am

Hi Maggie!

I know this is rough for you. Everything is fresh and raw, but you will get thru it. I think a brief No contact period would work well here. Let him know you need some time to heal and work through things on your mind. You should look at picking up one of my Companion Guides to help you thru all this!

Amy

October 15, 2018 at 4:44 am

Chris, will the NC rule still work even if your ex tells you he doesn’t love you anymore?

Chris Seiter

October 16, 2018 at 3:08 am

Hi Amy….some guys will just say stupid things. Many of them don’t even know what love is or they may not be all that connected to their true feelings or they can be cavalier or mean spirited. So unless you are sure he isn’t any of those things, best to execute an ex recovery plan and I have lots of resources to help you with that!

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748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”