Learn When The No Contact Rule Won't Work On Your Ex

748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

Rara

October 15, 2018 at 12:46 am

Chris,
I have broken the NC rule and reached out to my ex on the 12th day. I know, I know. I’m a fool. I asked him if there is still a chance for us and he point blank told me he doesn’t love me anymore. Should I still start over NC and would it still be effective provided that I accomplish my goals to self-betterment? Is it still possible to win him back even if he is claiming he doesn’t love me anymore?

Chris Seiter

October 15, 2018 at 3:03 am

Hi Rara!

No, you are not a fool. We all make mistakes. Just continue your NC and add another week to it. Guys will say things. Doesn’t mean its true or they really know their feelings. Best to follow thru with the process to give yourself the best chances.
Chris Seiter

October 15, 2018 at 3:03 am

Hi Rara!

No, you are not a fool. We all make mistakes. Just continue your NC and add another week to it. Guys will say things. Doesn’t mean its true or they really know their feelings. Best to follow thru with the process to give yourself the best chances.

Serena

October 11, 2018 at 11:06 am

Hey, my ex of nearly a year broke up with me 7 months ago ( February this year) I then did no contact till may, so for 2 months. We then regained contact by me reaching out and he was very excited to have me back in his life at first. We started to sleep together regularly and gradually after 3 months he started to become more distant. I fell pregnant in September and decided not to keep the child with him as I couldn’t fully trust him and he wasn’t keen on the idea of a child aswel, now he has become more distant and we don’t talk as much but we still speak everyday. He takes me for granted he never wants to go out of his way for me on small things. I wonder if it’s hopeless to try NC for 30 days. I know he flirts with other females and it hurts me but I can’t do anything. Is no contact a good idea? And is there any other advice you would give me?

Chris Seiter

October 12, 2018 at 3:11 am

Hi Serena!

I think NC is a reasonable strategy, but focus on your own healing and personal growth. Also, be sure you have a solid ex recovery plan. Feel free to visit my home page and you can take a look at all the resources i have there!

Nicky

October 4, 2018 at 12:50 pm

Hi, most of the comments here relate to quite long relationships. Mine was only 3 months although I felt we had a connection and had regular contact and text and spoke every day. Out of the blue he told me he wanted to knock things on the head, he doesn’t want me anymore. I or course went “crazy” then deleted his number and haven’t contacted him since. My question is will NC even work in such a short relationship? Or is it too early in dating him to even think there were any feelings on his part? He did refer to me as his girlfriend by the way and used work as an excuse to dump me. Any advice please?

Chris Seiter

October 5, 2018 at 2:18 am

Hi Nicky!

I do think NC has a good shot with this relationship. Why not try tactics you have not tried before if your previous plans are not working.

DJ

September 23, 2018 at 2:26 am

Hi there, would greatly appreciate some advice on NC in my situation.

Fast facts: We dated for about 5 years, 1 of which was long distance which was difficult for him. We broke up about 6 months ago, but have been very much involved in each other lives as much as possible considering he is in another country. Our relationship has been pretty looked the same as when we were dating, just no label. He told me a few days ago that he was “seeing” someone. It was pretty upsetting because I knew we were single, but I still felt blindsided. He says his feelings for me are still very strong and in his mind he still sees us having a future together.

My last contact with his was a few days ago and I really wanted to gain control in the situation. I said that I will not come second to someone else and that I don’t think he is ready for the commitment. Side note–he have always had a girlfriend there physically so I believe he struggles with that in terms of distance. I think this time apart could be valuable so that he can miss me and realize that he truly wants to be with me. Should I do no contact? I was certain that I should, but I think the fact that he is seeing someone and we are currently long distance make it a little more complicated. Thank you!!!!

Chris Seiter

September 23, 2018 at 4:28 pm

Hi DJ!

I do think NC will help as part of its aim to reinforce your value. I wrote a book, “The No Contact Rule Book” that get’s into all of this.

Janetth

September 19, 2018 at 8:46 pm

Hi, the ex and I were in a relationship for 5 years (living together). We broke up because of money issues, that lead to him going out all the time. I decided to move out to see if space could help us get back together. We texted for the 1st month of the break up. While he was “thinking about us getting back together”. Anyhow, we got into a fight and I told him not to contact me unless he was willing to fix our relationship. It’s been 3 week and I haven’t heard from him. Will no contact work in this situation?

Chris Seiter

September 20, 2018 at 12:53 am

So 5 years is meaningful. So just keep reading up on NC. I have lots of info on the site, podcasts, videos, and have written an in depth book, unlike the market has seen before, called, “The No Contact Rule Book”.
Chris Seiter

September 20, 2018 at 12:53 am

So 5 years is meaningful. So just keep reading up on NC. I have lots of info on the site, podcasts, videos, and have written an in depth book, unlike the market has seen before, called, “The No Contact Rule Book”.

Annette

September 16, 2018 at 2:04 pm

Hi, so my ex and I have been dating for almost 10 years and we lived together for 5 years. We recently had a huge fight due to the fact both of us have been through a very tough period. After spending almost a month fighting and telling each other the worsts things ever he told me he did not want to pursue the relationship with me; he told me he was very disappointed, that he did not believe in love anymore for the way I had treated him. I understood I did a lot of mistakes, that I should have been clearer during certain situation instead of boosting in anger, I told him I really want to change and I begged him to give me another chance, but I did not have any success. I decide to apply the NC since 6 days ago but I am unsure about a couple of things:
– as we had a long lasting and pretty good relationship, is NC the correct approach to sort out the issue?
– Is he going to think I moved on with my life and do the same?
– I believe he is very disappointed and does not trust I can change therefore I honestly do not think he is going to contact me, so should I contact him first once NC period is over?

Chris Seiter

September 17, 2018 at 4:09 am

Hi Annette…so 10 years makes for some solid roots and roots that deep don’t pull too far away. I am sure your ex made plenty of mistakes…not just you. I do think NC is the right move. Feel free to give him a heads up if you wish about your need for some space and healing and self discovery and improvement. And based on your questions, I strongly encourage you to pick up my 485 page eBook Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro so you understand well how this whole ex recovery process works and how to maximize your chances

Clare

September 6, 2018 at 12:22 am

Hi,

My BF of 7 years (we were in an unofficial relationship for 2 years before this 7 years, so totalling to 9 years) broke up with me last April, got back together but he firmly decided after 2 months that he don’t want to be in relationship with me anymore. We’re still in contact afterwards and I was extremely devastated and was needy for months. Beginning August I stopped texting him constantly and started limited contact because we agreed to review for a career exam together so I was just texting him regarding the review. But things was so awkward everytime we were together and time and time again he reiterated that he do not want us to be back together. So I finally decided to finally finish things off for closure and told him that I already accepted the break up and I needed some time off. We agreed to be friends for now and focus on the review.

I’m on the 3rd day of NC and he sent his work schedule to me last night as agreed so I can plan the classes that we’ll attend together. Should I still text and inform him that I’m doing NC even though I already told him that I needed some time off and that he should just attend the classes that he can attend to even without me, a few days back? Or just ignore it and push through with the NC? I’m afraid that he might have the wrong idea and think I’m ghosting on him after deciding to be friends.

Chris Seiter

September 6, 2018 at 3:42 am

Hi Clare….you should know that 9 years in a relationship tends to create some traction, helping people later to find their way back to each other. He knows you are in NC as you have conveyed it to him.

Beth

September 2, 2018 at 1:17 pm

Me and my ex were so in love and we had both said we felt we had found the one. We’ve had ups and downs in the 1.5 yrs together but generally had agreed to work through all problems as we had more good times than bad. We both enrolled on a training program together mid August to start a new career. We wouldn’t have been working together in the end but the training is together. The training has been really tough and stressful. We had a fallout during the first week and I called it off between us because she really upset me (she’s quite good at that when things get rough!) so it turned out to be a very mutual break which shocked me – she acted relieved and has been playing the happy go lucky personality at training. I tried to talk it over a week later at training one evening and she said she felt a weight had been lifted and says she doesn’t love me anymore. Says she cares for me still but there’s no going back. I felt I couldn’t complain but unfortunately I did break down in tears after being so strong for a week at training – I called for this but I felt I had no choice with the way she was letting the stress of training effect our relationship. I said I still loved her. I’m just so shocked because I know what I mean to her I don’t believe for a minute she is truly taking this well but it’s all very confusing and I don’t know if I should be moving on or holding out hope!? We are on and off training together over next two months. I’ve been home this week and i initiated NC telling her I needed to have time and space – she insisted that she was gutted about it and felt sad about me crying and we need to remain amicable at training and at work. I gracefully agreed to this but stated I had accepted the breakup now and needed space to get over it and move on. That was a week ago and in this week she has messaged me three times spread out – each message was sort of pointless in my opinion. ‘You left your such and such at my house shall I bring it to training next week’ – ‘have you seen my such and such’ – ‘Did your manager talk to you about such and such because mine did’ bearing in mind she knows I don’t want to hear from her to move on and there’s 10+ other people she could have asked about the training re the last message! So I’ve tried to remain NC but did reply to all three of those messages in my own time and VERY minimal responses. Not an ideal situation, trying to stay focused on the course but my heartache is winning my thoughts most of the time. I feel I’m doing the right thing for any outcome – I intend to be amicable next week but don’t know if I can hide my hurt and remain strong. I miss her so much and I’m heartbroken. This did need to happen though as neither of us were happy in that moment. I Regret my way of ending it but I felt I couldn’t talk to her about us as she was so stressed at training. Just the worst possible timing EVER!
Amanda

September 1, 2018 at 1:45 am

Hello! Me and my BF broke up 2.5 weeks ago. He is in the coast guard and we have been in a long distance relationship the entire time. He broke up with me because he felt he needed space and time to figure out what he wanted in life and what his goals are. This is his first time on his own (he is 26, I’m 27). He said he loved me but he wasnt in love with me. The last month of this relationship things weren’t great. I was sort of mean to him, and things were just different. Both were going through our own personal things. Our break up was friendly. I was very upset but we ended on great terms. He said when we broke up it was a possibility we could end up back together one day, and said I could still call him if I wanted and that he wanted to still be friends on Social Media. The day after the break up I reached out to him about something, 2 days after break up he reached out to me because he saw I had a flat tire, 1 week after break up he texted me wishing me luck on something in my life, the day after that I texted him and we had a conversation that was extremely positive, where he told me about his life and reminded me if I ever needed him I could call. I haven’t talked to him via text in 9 days. I was trying to do NC. He is still liking and looking at my stuff on Social Media, I am trying to avoid his. I decided to try NC so I could give him time and space to realize what he wants, and hopefully help him miss me. He hasn’t reached out to me since I last texted him, just liked stuff on Social Media. So I am wondering… is No contact the best option, or should I do limited contact?

Chris Seiter

September 1, 2018 at 3:43 am

I think you stick with no contact, but you want to follow my program in order to employ it properly.

simran

August 29, 2018 at 6:12 pm

hi,
my ex and I broke up 10 days ago. we were together for 5 years and it was good relationship, we were happy and in love. but his reason for break up with me was that his feeling have changed and he has out grown me.
I implemented the no contact rule for 2 days but he called me on the the third day regarding some work and kept extending the conversation, he then later said that he feels lonely to which I said I am really sorry but I need some time to myself and I can’t be there because he feels lonely.
he got upset and disconnected the call.
I had an instant regret of why I was rude to him. I texted him the next day that I am sorry that I was rude to him but I explained that I am not ready to yet, I need to move on and it will make it difficult for me.
but I had a melt down yesterday and texted him that I am hurting and he asked if I needed to talk, I said yes and we spoke for an hour. during the conversation we were talking about what ifs and he said that maybe after sometime he comes back to me. I am not holding to any false hopes but I am really confused on what to do.he is aware of the changes I have been making in my life and in myself.
we have to be in contact for work related stuff but that is not on daily basis, but he called me today as well just to talk about work a little and told me he met a common friend who he broke the news of our break up.

this is the first article I could find on when not to implement that NC rule.
I just want to know what to do if not using no contact rule.

Chris Seiter

August 30, 2018 at 1:28 am

Hi Simaran!

Being together 5 years is a solid plus. I am going to encourage you to take at some of the posts I have written about limited contact, given the work situation. I talk about in my eBooks. NC is highly adaptable

Sara

August 26, 2018 at 12:41 am

He dumped me in the beginning of August after dating for over a year (our official 1 year anniversary was coming up at the end of the month though). I didn’t see it coming. Before we were together, him and I casually dated for a couple months with the intent of going slowly and he said his end game was to be together (he hadnt really done relationships or dating before me and he’s 24). Then randomly he ghosted me. A few months later he texted me apologizing and asked if he could have a shot with me again. By that time I was involved with another man, and I told him that. Long story shorter, after a couple weeks I broke it off with the other guy, and him and I began to casually date (He wanted to be offical, but I said I wanted to go slow given how he ghosted me before). After a couple months, we were together. From that point on he told me how sorry he was for ghosting me, he made a huge mistake, consistently talked about getting engaged once he was financially stable, our future together, how sure and happy he was with me (consistent is an understatement and with such convincing detail). Then he left. Claiming it was because of problems going unresolved. He said he needed space, and I didnt give it (but every argument we did have he always apologized after saying he was just angry, he didn’t mean it then it would go back to the ‘im so happy with you’ talk so I honestly thought the issues he brought up were just out of anger). When I said that, his response was that he only said he didn’t mean it to avoid hurting my feeling and an argument..which to that I pointed out that if he didn’t tell me there were issues he thought weren’t getting resolved and didn’t actually voice them, I couldn’t possibly know to adapt to his feelings. And when he was telling me outwardly “i love you, I’m so sure about you”, talking about marriage all the time, etc, but because of I guess the resentment he was feeling over feeling as though he wasnt getting his needs met by me, he ended up doing things (such as ditching me) which made me upset and I would get angry. I mean, here I’m thinking I’m such a priority, he’s telling me all the time I am, but then doing things that make me feel I’m not. And I was so confused why I was getting consistent commitment comments from him but then stuff like that would happen. And only after we broke up I got the missing puzzle piece of why; of what was wrong. So basically because of the space thing and me getting angry over the things he would do (he compared it to a mine field, saying if he did something I wasnt happy with, I’d “blow”), he left. He said I didnt care about his feelings and needs (which now I’m wondering if it’s my fault, i didnt show how important his feelings are to me in the way he needed). We broke up once before for a night over the space thing, but similar to every other fight we had he came back in the morning apologizing, saying he overrracted due to anger and didnt mean anything he said. Ive also been struggling with my mental health (which he knows), so part of me wonders if that’s why he left; I’m not all smiles and fun like I used to be. Now this time he said it’s over. He said he’d drop off my stuff on a specific day, but never did. I have been in NC for two days. We didnt exactly end on great terms, but not awful either. I plan to drop off his stuff tonight to his porch and hopefully it’ll prompt him to do the same. Since our anniversay was about to happen I have his favorite cookies, a card I drew, his toothbrush, his pillow, and seashells from a vacation we took. I threw it all, along with everything of his or that I associated with him or as his in the bag along with his clothes (i kept two hoodies he gave me though that no longer fit him). Hopefully I didn’t do anything stupid? I just don’t want the constant reminders hes gone and I know I’m not strong enough to box it up and put it away or throw out the card or the things I bought for us unless I return it to him. I want him back. Did I mess up? What do I do?
Thank you! I appreciate this site and your team so much

Chris Seiter

August 26, 2018 at 1:24 am

Hi Sarah!

So there is a lot of things going on here! Stay in the NC. If you don’t have my program, go take a look so you know all the ins and outs. Go to my website home page to explore all the tools and resources and get your ex recovery plan underway!

Sam

August 24, 2018 at 7:02 pm

My boyfriend of 7 months just broke up with me. He is working out of town and had a lady hearting his face book pictures that lives in the same city he is working in. I messaged the lady to ask why and how she knows him politely. Then she blocks me and he says its over between us for assuming before speaking to him! I dont think he was cheating I just let my emotions get the best of me! Should I use the no contact rule because I do want to fix this but also I have to meet him in 2 weeks to return his car!

Chris Seiter

August 24, 2018 at 11:55 pm

Hi Sam….yes, I think NC will allow cooler heads to prevail and so much can get accomplished during NC if you understand fully how to employ it. I have tons of content on this site in posts, books, videos, podcasts, a Private Facebook Support Group. So tap into some of these resources to help yourself!

Noveros

August 8, 2018 at 3:51 am

What am I supposed to do?
My ex and I had 4,5 years of relationship. Last month I broke with him just because he showed me less efforts,he said he wud visit me in the beginning of 2018, but he delayed it from January to march then July. I already did 38 days of NC. I figured out he blocked me 2 days ago on WA. So now should I text him?
sarah garden

February 16, 2018 at 3:39 pm

hi so i was seeing a guy for 3 months. we spoke every day, he introduced me to his mum, he took me to his favourite special places. the past month the communication was missing despite speaking every day and when i asked him we were okay and if we could go back to the way we were before he wanted to just be friends but he said he meant it.
i said can we not just give it another try? and he said no he’s made his mind. (all over text and face time)
i want him back or at least to give things another go, i have started the NC rule a day after this occurred. will this jeopardise our friendship and push him into someone else?
also i’ll be seeing him because we’re going to the same party on saturday, is it okay for me to just say hello and ask him how he is? since we’re friends?

thanks

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2018 at 12:51 pm

Hi Sarah,
Yeah, but keep it short.. check this one too:
Will My Ex Forget Me If I Do No Contact

NikJo

February 16, 2018 at 8:11 am

I’m only on Day 1 of no contact and my ex boyfriend is threatening to show up at my door because I refuse to reply.

A little background- it’s an off and on relationship of 4 years…but we were always having sex even during the off times. He did somethings I had a hard time forgiving him for so the recent off stage lasted way longer than the others before-close to a year. But we were still having sex.

I do love the fool so I did some thinking and decided to give us another chance. The problem is, he moved in someone he cheated on me with… she was there for a month around the time I decided to take him back. Apparently, they were both in a tough spot and he needed a room mate and she was evicted or something… and of course they’re having sex. The girl wants a relationship with HIM- he promised her the world then came home one day to come clean about me.

He made it clear that he wants to be with me, I know for a fact he loves me to death…but she doesn’t have a place to go. So I decided to cut it off…not really to win him back, more because I want to move on for good. There is always drama and toxic behaviour with this man.

So it’s been little over 24 hours since I started the No Contact and he is threatening to show up at my door. Sure, I will not answer if I am inside…but I have a lot of errands to do this week and I’m worried he will be at my front door when I am showing up my door. I want absolutely nothing to do with him and I do not want to talk to him- him wanting to talk will be nothing but excuses and empty promises and I do not want to hear it at all. I am determined to stay away for at least 90 days to heal and then decide if I still want to continue on my own. I love him but like I said, its a very toxic relationship.

What should I do if we are face to face at my front door?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2018 at 11:44 am

Hi Nikjo,

Tell him that in a calm way.

ariel

February 15, 2018 at 2:06 pm

My boyfriend of eight years broke up with me last week. We own a home together and he is moving to California March 1st due to a job relocation. I was supposed to move with him but obviously that is no longer happening. We have to sell our home and have been in the midst of remodeling. We have to be in contact daily and we are even sleeping in the same bed but it’s incredibly painful for me because I still want to be together. He says he is still in love with me but that breaking up is what is best for both of us. That I need to figure out my life (go back to school) and he needs to move for his career. He says I wasted too much time worrying about him instead of myself. He seems very confident that we need to break up and has shut down my every attempt at reconciliation. I think our issues were easily resolvable. We both were just stressed and unable to focus on our relationship due to outside forces so we started to grow distant and annoyed with one another. If we had just agreed to refocus, we would have been perfectly fine. He wants us to continue living together until he leaves and even wants to hang out as friends. What do I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 18, 2018 at 11:54 pm

Hi Ariel,

check this links:
EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend
EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back?

Elizabeth

February 13, 2018 at 8:18 pm

Hi,
So my ex boyfriend and I just broke up about a month ago, I recently just started the no contact rule and a few weeks before we broke up I had made plans for us to get together for his birthday and spend all day together, I booked us a nice get away at a hotel and dinner for two. I told him about the hotel and he said that he thinks we should still spend that weekend of his birthday together, that conversation happened a couple days ago before I started the no contact rule. I am trying to get back together with my ex, I cheated on him and he wants to see if I can be more mature in a relationship or not. His birthday is next week should I just call off the plans since I am in no contact rule or since I cheated on him and I am trying to get him to forgive me and want to be with me again should I hang out with him since he wants to? What is your advice?

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2018 at 1:00 pm

Hi Elizabeth,
check this one:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)

Ariel

February 13, 2018 at 1:55 pm

Hey,
My bf ended our 8 year relationship a week ago. We own a home together and a few months ago his job told him they are relocating him to California. Our plan was to remodel the house, sell it, and move together. We started fighting a lot due to the stress and we both became really distant. I realized it was my fault for not being there when he needed me but instead causing fights and acting like a bitch. We live together stil and he moves to California in two weeks. I’ve been trying to show him that I’ve changed/learned from my mistakes by being there for him, giving him attention, making sure he’s okay, etc. however; last night he said it’s making him really confused. he thinks I’m just trying to get him back but I’ll just switch back to the way I was before if we give this another chance again. Do I begin limited NC even though what ended our relationship was me pulling away from him? Or do I continue to show him that I am here for him and that I’ve learned? We only have two weeks left together before he moves across the country and we have to be in contact due to our shared responsibilities – we have pets and we are still in the midst of remodeling projects/putting our house up for sale. We’ve been talking, hanging out, but no physical contact. We still sleep in the same bed. I told him if there’s no chance of reconciliation I don’t know if I can continue on that way. He got mad and said it proves his point that my changed behavior is disingenuous and just a ploy to win him over. I’m feeling so lost because I truly want him back but I’m scared NC will push him away… but trying to make him happy doesn’t seem to be making him want to stay? Help please!
Nena

January 31, 2018 at 9:50 am

Hi;
Thanks for your previous response. Am on day 10 of the NC but I just saw on Facebook that the bus conveying him and his colleagues were involved in an accident. What should I do; I wanted to call him to know if he is okay. Please advise me.

Thanks.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 31, 2018 at 6:06 pm

Sorry, I hate to be a grammar nazi, but just to make sure, did you mean convoying? That means the bus that he’s riding is not in the accident right? And in who’s post did you see the accident?

Jae

January 26, 2018 at 8:29 pm

Hi. So the last time we spoke was the 22nd of this month. He actually asked for space, but before he did he said “he’s done” that “it’s done ” then he said to “give him space and we’ll get great again” ,thing is, I don’t know what side to follow .I don’t want to be giving him space and he moves on because he said “it’s done, he’s done”,nor do I want to move on when he said to “give him space and we’ll get great again “. He basically said those words after he said it’s done. So should I just leave him alone and move on, or should I just wait it out. I dearly love this man and I’d do anything for us to work .

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 30, 2018 at 11:02 pm

just give him space for now, after 1 or 2 weeks, if he still doesn’t want to resolve it, start the nc rule.

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748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”