1,125 thoughts on “When Should You Stop Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?”

1. 

   Louise

   October 26, 2020 at 11:27 pm

   My boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me in January. We were having problems communicating, made worse by the fact his new job was 7 hours away and we barely saw each other. I knew we’d have to have some serious talks and figure things out, but I didn’t think he would want to end it. He said we hadn’t been in love for a while, that we weren’t growing together, and something just didn’t feel right.. I was devastated. He didn’t want to try therapy. The month before he was wondering out loud about how he should propose to me. I don’t understand how his feelings changed so quickly. The month following the break up he was home from work for a week, and we were together, like everything was normal. It seemed like everything would work out. He told me this was all about getting me out of the house and finding hobbies. After he left for work I met him halfway and we spent the night together.. But, speaking on the phone a week or two later he talked about needing to move out. He said that the last few weeks were great but he “had to look at the relationship as a whole.”

   I talked to him a lot over the following months, trying to convince him that our relationship was worth fighting for. The most I got was conceding that maybe, someday in the future, it was a possibility. But for now he just wanted to “focus on himself and his career.” With how busy he was at work, he said he didn’t have time for a relationship.

   Before moving his phone number off my plan, I looked at his phone records and confronted him about other women he had been speaking to on almost a daily basis for the past few months, women he never told me about. It turned out one was a coworker. I said “in what world is it okay to start a close friendship with another woman and hide it from your girlfriend?” I was angry. He told me he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to get jealous, and I that can’t handle normal stress situations. Eventually he said he can understand how bad it looks, but it’s really nothing like that. Over the next few conversations I would bring it up and pry for more information. He would tell me nothing about these other women other than they were just friends.

   We didn’t talk much after that. He never made attempts to call me, and I pointed that out. He’d say he didn’t have time, and that I’m lucky he’s making time for me now. In another conversation I told him I still have hope for us, and he said I need to get rid of that hope. He laughed it off saying it sounded so effed up, but he meant it, like to get my mind off of him and be happy on my own.

   I tried to stop talking to him a couple times. Each time for an entire month. But I’m always the one to finally reach out. It’s like every time we speak he’s more and more distant. His text replies get shorter and more curt. Even a while after the break up he would call me “hun”, but that stopped too.

   It seems like no matter what he says or does and how it hurts me, I still want to believe there’s a possibility it can work out. I don’t understand how 10 years of love can just evaporate like that. I feel, even now, completely devastated, while he seems like he’s doing just fine. I wish I felt fine. Sometimes I feel like it’s going to be okay even without him, but those moments are fleeting. I always come back to the reality that he’s not here, and doesn’t want to be here, and it’s overwhelming. I lost my best friend and the person I thought I was sharing the rest of my life with.

2. 

   anon

   July 27, 2020 at 11:09 pm

   I could really use your help. My ex broke up with me about two months ago. We were together (long distance) for about six months after we hit it off last summer. Due to COVID, we were in the same town again starting in March. We got in a fight in May – I was upset he was spending so much time with his friends and not with me, and he decided to end it. I made the mistake of begging during the break up but went into NC almost immediately after. Two weeks into NC he reached out – I kept the conversation short, ended it early, and went back into NC. One week later he reached out again. We ended up meeting in person that weekend. He told me we should start over as friends, but then kissed me and told me how much he missed me before we said goodbye. He started initiating a lot of conversations after that. He also planned another in person meeting for the following weekend; but once I tried to DTR, he said we were still “just friends.” I told him not to contact me again until he had figured out what he wanted (I’m sorry, but I do NOT kiss my friends!). He backed off on conversation for a while, and I did too. The following week, we met up in person again and had a normal, friendly interaction. He wanted to see me again that weekend and planned another outing – this one happened to be romantic (a trip to a secluded beach, just the two of us). He kissed me again that day and took me back to his place where we watched a movie, cuddled, and kissed some more. I found out a couple days later that, in his mind, we were still “just friends.” I backed off again, and so did he. I didn’t see him again until this past weekend (so a two week break between meetings), when he initiated plans. I spent all of Saturday with him. Again, there was kissing and cuddling. At one point, we fell asleep while cuddling, and I had nightmares. He pulled me in close and held me tightly, even after I woke up. He even kissed me lovingly on the forehead. When he dropped me off for the evening, I accidentally told him I loved him. It felt so natural after everything that had happened, and I genuinely meant it. He drove off without another word; I’m assuming he texted me when he got home, but all he said was “Thank you”. I was humiliated, still am. I can tell he still cares about me a lot; it’s there in his actions, but he won’t commit to me. Is it time for me to give up? Please help.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   August 11, 2020 at 8:52 pm

   Hey there, it is really only you who can decide when to give up or not. However if you want to follow this program you need to start with a NC where you work on your Holy Trinity and read and prepare yourself for the texting phase. Read some more articles and see how you feel about reaching out to him at the end of the 30 days

3. 

   Caitlin

   July 2, 2020 at 11:43 pm

   I was with my fiancé for 6 n half years. He broke up with me a little over a month ago because of fighting issues and moved out. We have a 5 yr old and I’m pregnant with our son. I have begged and pleaded. I try to save our family. We have better talks now but he tells me we got to talk more about us but never reaches out. I feel like I’m the only one trying to save our family. At this point I don’t know what to do.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   July 4, 2020 at 12:20 am

   Hi Caitlin, you need to follow a limited no contact and work on yourself for some time, where you only speak to him about the children and nothing else. Then you need to start the texting phase once you have worked on yourself, at the moment your ex has no sense of loss as he knows he could come back if he wanted to

4. 

   Kristine

   June 3, 2020 at 11:29 am

   Hi. Ive been dating a guy for about a month now. I know it sounds like nothing, but we’ve had a real intense connection and gotten really close in a short period of time, as we have been spending so much time together. He is the relationship-guy and has been saying/showing since the start he is interested and ready for something serious. About a week ago i started a serious convo because i wanted to figure out if we were moving too fast. He said it worried him more that we had what he called «way different life goals». His dream in life is having kids and a family. I also want that, i havent thought about exactly when yet, but i am open. Apparently this turned out to be a problem for him.

   A couple of days ago he said we had to end things. I asked to call him, we talked for hours – it was a good talk about our relationship as well as other fun things. He really didnt want to end things, he said so and i could tell, but said he had started getting strong feelings, and therefore needed to end things now because he also had this feeling of «its not gonna work out» due to our «different» life goals. He had been thinking about this a lot the past days, had become real fond of me and was certain that if we kept going he would get even stronger feelings and then get really hurt if eventually we would break up (which his feeling that is «never wrong» told him we would). I did some light begging, and he asked for some time.

   Same evening he texted me and said i had convinced him, we could keep trying a bit more. I went to his town and spent the night, mood was good. Then the past couple days when we have met it is like he is holding back, the mood is kind of strange and tense, we are not connecting that well. Also his way of communicating with me has changed a bit, he initiates snaps but doesnt necessarily reply if i reply back to them, he doesnt ask about my day or to hang out (which he used to do every day). Im sure it is this feeling of «things are not going to work out» that is making him like this (his feelings cant vanish that quickly?). But how can i help him make this feeling disappear? What can i do? And how can i rid of the awkwardness that lingers when we hang out? Is there even any hope?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   June 16, 2020 at 8:18 pm

   Hi Kristine, so there is no way you can make things feel normal by yourself, it needs to be a natural feeling. In reality, you are talking about future plans much too soon, considering you have not been together that long to truly know the way you work in a long term relationship. Slow down and enjoy getting to know each other

5. 

   W

   May 8, 2020 at 8:00 pm

   Hi all, I had been with my ex for about 1.5 years. Three days ago we were having a great time, but few hours later, we had an argument because i found out that he hasnt been completely honest with me about his past. I understand his reasons, but i was still in shock and felt betrayed that he hid this from me while he had been telling me that he’s not hiding anything from me.

   None of us handled it well because I was crying next to him and he just ignore me and continues to watch TV, so i asked him if he still wanted to be with me, and he said no. He said that I was too soft for him because he thought that it wasnt that big of a deal, but I still felt betrayed by his dishonesty. I asked why, and he said that he’s only weighing me down because i have a brighter future than he does.

   I wanted to leave ASAP, but he had someone else outside and didnt want to make a scene, so i stayed in his room and we cuddled for a while, enjoying each other’s presence for the last time before I leave. I loved him so much because I know he is a good person, but it seems like we are in a different points of our lives right now. We dont really have a good communication skill because he always wants to brush everything under the rug while I want to solve it. I am just really sad that he doesnt even try to step it up for me.

   Hours later after I got home, he sent me a snapchat and said that he doesnt know what he wants, and he doesnt know what he wants in his life. He said that he doesnt need a relationship, and that I am probably the best girlfriend (yes he said girlfriend eventhough we were broken up few hours earlier) that he could ask for, and that he is thankful to have me in his life. Of course I didnt reply cus I wanted to go straight to NC. How long should i do NC? and is he even going to reach out eventually? should i archive his pictures from my instagram?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   May 19, 2020 at 11:51 am

   Hey W, so no do not do anything with your social media as it all appears highly emotional and you do not want that right now. You need to do a 30 day NC for now and focus yourself, and if you can deal with his past. I would suggest that you take note of how it is in his past, we all have history and we are all allowed to choose who we share our history with. If it does not affect your relationship you should respect that he has moved on from that phase of his life

6. 

   Carol ann

   April 11, 2020 at 10:58 pm

   Hi, my name is carol ann
   I have been with my ex boyfriend for over 3 years this September it was going to be 4 years. A week and 2 days ago my ex and I had an argument we were inside of my car. I was mad at him for making me wait outside his house but I decided to keep it to my self and not tell him anything. We ended up ordering food so we could eat at his house. On our way back we started arguing over everything. then I brought up the conversation where I told him I didn’t like waiting outside for him. Now I realize that I shouldn’t have brought it up and leave it how it was. we didn’t had physical fights or said bad words to each other I was yelling at him and he was yelling at me. He didn’t want to give in and neither did I. After a while I started crying. He got out of my car and closed the door and walked away. I went to his house to leave him the food that we had order, at this point I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t want to take it to my house. After I got in my car to drive home he had txt me that it was Over he doesn’t want or need this in his life. He also told me that he was going to get all my belongings from his house and give it to his sister so she could give them to me. He made me feel so bad at this point I knew he didn’t want anything from me or even see me. I started using the no contact rule after the breakup to give me a chance to clear my mind and catch up on myself. I know it’s still early on and I need to wait until at least 30 days after the no contact rule. My question is after the no contact is over I know I could be stubborn and I want to wait for him to message me or call me since I’m still hurt that he was the one that broke up with me. Knowing that he is the same way I have a feeling that he is waiting for me to call him or message as well. How can I approach that cituation? after the no contact is over and if I didn’t contact him or he didn’t contact me does this mean it’s pretty much over?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   April 13, 2020 at 3:43 pm

   Hi Carol Ann, yes if neither of you contact each other that your relationship would be done, as you are not goign to be able to get someone back if you are not willing to communicate. At day 31 you are supposed to reach out yourself to break the ice, having a short positive conversation with your ex about something you know he would be open to tlaking about. You do not reach out about the break up, the relationship or getting back together as this will just undo the work you did during your NC

7. 

   Kelly

   March 31, 2020 at 2:15 am

   Hello!

   I dated a guy for 2 years, part of which was long distance. The relationship took a break but we got back together for another 6 months after he pushed for us to get back together. The relationship ended again after my trust was broken. Neither of the breakups were bad enough that we stopped talking. We have been broken up for 6 months now but have been talking the whole time. I was in our hometown over the holidays during which we hung out and seriously talked about getting back together. A couple of weeks after we talked about getting back together he asked to meet up so we could talk. During the talk it was like a switch had flipped and he said that he didn’t know if getting back together was a smart idea because of the stress we were bother under but that he saw and wanted a future together down the road. I accepted this and went back to school but continued to talk to him for a month and a half, him knowing my intentions were to get back together. I recently came home and asked him for a concrete answer on if we were going to eventually get back together or not, to which he said that he didn’t know but would never say that it wasn’t going to happen. a week went by and he messaged me telling me that he wanted to give me a concrete answer. He told me that he didn’t think it was a smart idea for us to get back together for both of our sake and that we are great together but long distance is really hard for us but he also said that if it is meant to be, it will be. I told him that I still wanted to be together but I understood and that one day I hope it works out for us. He is truly the love of my life and would do anything in order for us to end up together, I know he truly cares about me but is also trying to figure his life out. I am also worried that he will move on and forget about me. This is why I have decided to do no contact so that I can distance myself the situation and him as well as give him time. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, or how long I should do it for. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   April 8, 2020 at 2:54 pm

   Hi Kelly so normally we do 30 days No Contact, I would suggest that you aim for this and then re assess how you are feeling around day 27/28 on if you need to extend to 45 days NC

8. 

   BE

   February 2, 2020 at 11:24 pm

   Hello Exboyfriend-Back Team!
   I know a boy for 10 years. We have ca. 10 Dates and have had something physically a couple years ago, but don’t slept together. I wanted that he first commits. I wanted always to be his girlfriend. I know that he finds me attractive and likes our friendship. I was always after him and that turns him off I know. We have such good conversations and he helped me a lot in the conversations about things…I helped him too, and he knows that I still want to be with him in a relationship. When I was too clingy, he have said to me that I move on and find someone, more than 5 times. Recently he had told me, that he write with me because he like me and he see our writing as a friendship. Most of the time I have reached out to him and the he answers. His response is very interested and quite long, but nothing flirty, it is always about topics in which we both are interested or only one part is interested and then we discuss. I’m in the no contact at the moment, and our last talking was about that I have told him that I want him, then he wrote to me that he wishes that I find someone, and then I wrote I think I will find love much faster than you, and he told me, yes maybe, I wish you so that you finde someone who can give you unconditional love and vice versa. After this I asked him about his motivational letter, which I have corrected for him and he gave me a very friendly answer with smileys and so I too. Then I left the conversation (at high point) and now I’m in the no contact. What should I do to be interesting for him or should I give up?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   February 12, 2020 at 8:44 pm

   Hey BE, so if you want your ex back then you need to complete the no contact and then work on yourself for sometime. Then doing things that you know he is interested in and posting them online for him to be able to see what you are doing and what he is missing out on

9. 

   Sarah G

   October 24, 2019 at 6:24 pm

   Hello!

   I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for 10 1/2 years. Last year I turned 40 and felt stuck in my life. My ex and I weren’t moving forward and our relationship was stuck. He told me all of the time how happy he was with me, how I was his soulmate and his angel. I knew he loved me. I held back from marrying him or moving in with him because I was scared. I hemmed and hawed for a few months before finally deciding that a breakup was necessary for me to be a better partner and a better version of me. The break up was as fine as it could be….I cried he consoled me and I left his apartment. I don’t think he thought I was serious. The next day the emails started and the texts and phone calls. I was good at first and tried not to contact him until his attempts seemed super sad. We did end up chatting back and forth on occasion but we didn’t see each other. Fast forward 6 months and he shows up to my new apartment because he “had to see me.” We talked and I kissed him once. He left and we agreed to talk again soon. He continued to reach out to me via email, text and phone.

   Fast forward to February 2019….I had started a relationship with a man I’d known for a long time. He was someone I actually thought was the “one.” My current boyfriend found out I was still talking to my ex-boyfriend and immediately demanded that I block him and cut him out of my life. I was so scared and felt a little threatened so I conceded. I called my ex-boyfriend up at work and broke the news to him that I was in a relationship with someone else. I cried, he cried it was awful. I got 8 sobbing voice mail messages on my work phone (because I had been ordered to block him everywhere by my current boyfriend), and emails. Eventually, 10 days after that phone call he showed up at my house. I was petrified my current boyfriend would find out or show up and beat up my ex-boyfriend. During that visit my ex-boyfriend handed me a letter asking if there was any hope we could end up back together. I told him of course there was hope because I truly hadn’t given up hope because I did love my ex-boyfriend so much. I was so upset that I hurt him like that…..I couldn’t eat or sleep. I continued in my current relationship which eventually became very controlling, manipulative, mentally and emotionally abusive. I became a shell of a person and fell into a deep depression that I am still working my way out of. I am done with that boyfriend. No regrets there either.

   I reached out to my ex boyfriend via text in August 2019 asking if we could talk. He responded with, “There’s nothing for us to talk about. I have moved on with my life. Please respect that and please leave me alone.” I was crushed. I really thought we’d always be in contact. I tried to reach out to him via email but got no response. I finally drove to his house in October 2019(turnabout is fair play). He let me in and we talked for a little over 3 hours. I cried, he cried. We hugged. He even kissed me twice (he initiated it) but he said to me after the second kiss that it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have done it and he didn’t want to confuse me. Even after he said that he said it was taking a lot of his effort not to take me to his bed and have sex with me but he’s not that kind of person. He didn’t want to use me.

   He let me stay and talk to him some more but he said on more than one occasion I don’t have any spite for you I’m just over it. I agreed that I wouldn’t reach out or contact him again – he said he needed to be the one to reach out if he was going to do that. I asked him to unblock me and he said he’d have to think about it. It’s been 2 weeks and I am a wreck. I realize I messed up the best thing that happened to me and I just want him back. Did I mess it up forever?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   October 24, 2019 at 9:39 pm

   Hi Sarah, I think you need to spend some more time as a single right now and be happy in your own company but if you want him back you’re going to have to do something called the being there method – not because of another woman, because of the length of time you’ve been apart hes over the break up so he feels “happy” again now its almost like you need to regain his trust not his attraction to you. Good Luck

10. 

    Catherine

    October 10, 2019 at 1:41 am

    Hi Chris, I was recently in a relationship of 4 years and 7 months. We lived together (until I moved a hour away for school temporarily), he loves my family and I love his. I first suggested a break because he was unsure of the future with his career and his feelings for me. He said he still cares about me. But we recently cut the break short, and had a emotional two days, and he eventually broke up with me. He said that because when we fought our fights go to bad and blew way out of proportion, and that we always said we’d work on it and never did. He wanted to end things because of that. I tried to reason with him, saying “I need another chance” and tried to explain people name call and fight irrationally all the time. And he said he can’t see us fixing that part of the relationship, because there was so many chances. We were high school sweethearts. We are now 22. All I can see is a future with him and I don’t want this to be completely the end. He said he hopes to be friends and some day close friends. But I want more. What should I do? Is there hope?
    Thanks again.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Shaunna

   October 12, 2019 at 8:27 am

   Hi Catherine, yes there is a chance if you follow the process starting with NC and working on being Ungettable, read as much as you can on the page about your situation and work on yourself to become the best version of you. Name calling and arguing is something you need to work on and learning how to communicate in an emotionally controlled manner when you are not happy about something. Sometimes it pushes people away even though you didnt mean what you said it can still stick with them

11. 

    Janelle

    May 19, 2019 at 12:22 am

    Hello. My ex recently dumped me after we both graduated and told me that he thought about doing it for a month or so. He moved back home (he’s out of state) and I decided to stay in the town that we graduated from. Well, long story short he told me that he was not happy anymore and if we stayed together that his happiness will always take a backseat to mine. Over the past month, he grew really distant from me and when I asked him what was bothering him he always told me that he didn’t know. He has been really stressed about school and no matter what I did to try and cheer him up nothing helped or worked. He told me that I didn’t know what to do to cheer him up and that I only made matters worse. After the break up he would still text me that he loves me and that he’s sorry for breaking my heart but he just needs time. He told me that he still plans on marrying me in the future but it’s not fair for him to hold that over my head and for me to not wait on him. I want to believe that he means that but im not sure. When we first broke up he would send me things that he claimed reminded him of me. I recently told him that I believe its best that we no longer talk so I can have time to heal and he responded by saying okay and that he loves me. Well, I broke no contact to apologize for the way I acted post-breakup (I begged him to reconsider). Well after my apology he did not respond. I was wondering if there a chance that we would get back together or should I just move on and forget him? It’s been about 2 weeks since we split.

12. 

    Stephanie

    April 7, 2019 at 2:10 pm

    I am fresh out of a break up as of 3-4 days ago. I thought I was going to marry this man, he was everything I wanted. I felt strong and deep feelings for his whole being and every little thing he did. We did not fight a lot, we were good at communicating and talking things through. 6 months ago when I went on a solo trip he mentioned that he felt he couldn’t share my excitement bc we were on different emotional paths, he was very busy and stressed and couldn’t hold space for me experiencing fun things abroad. He said he needed to finish up projects and he just needed me to come back to him. After I came back home, I immediately went into helping with his projects bc he was struggling and he told me no other girl would’ve helped him like this on a bathroom renovation project and it was amazing of me to do so.

    I thought things were fine but maybe he had lost feelings and things gradually went downhill for him since then. Our trip to his best friends wedding was a little strained, I could feel he was distant, I felt not connected to him despite trying at every turn. I had lost my job in October returning from my solo trip and that bothered him, after the wedding in December I still couldn’t get a job and January and February made him resent me. He never said anything though, i felt depressed and unworthy and he didn’t want to be around me or try to support me as he had a million other important things on his mind.

    Come March it all spilled out at once when I asked if he was okay. He told me he wanted us to move out of the apartment and live apart, he wants to live alone and experience not having to come home to me because lately it’s a chore, I’m no fun and a debbie downer and I don’t inspire him anymore. This was news to me, he burst my bubble. He mentioned our sex life was non-existent and lacking ( he was always too busy! And self conscious that I didn’t orgasm as much as him) I told him that instead of throwing away 2.5 amazing years, we should try to fix it.

    He flip flopped his mind every day for 5 days. Agreeing to fix it then saying it’s stupid and we should just separate, then saying that this is a big mistake and we can work this out. During his break up moods he said he was over me, over this relationship, I told him how much I loved him and planned for us to get married and have kids and how his goals were the same. He mentioned yes, maybe at some point but not anymore, my plans were imaginary and fantasy.

    He’s always wanted to live on his own and hasn’t gotten the chance, he also hasn’t ever lived with a girlfriend before and he initiated we move in together after 7 months dating. He said it was amazing then Recently said it was a mistake, we did it too early, should have waited till marriage. He started noticing a routine and all of his friends are either married or getting married and it may have prompted that we were supposed to be next and he did not want to just follow this path, he wanted to make the conscious choice to do it. It scared him and he said he was not ready for a committed relationship this serious.

    I fought for our relationship, him changing his mind every day told me he was conflicted in his feelings, he promised to see April through and I finally heard back from a job and things would be so different with me occupying my time as well. He felt that I put 110% in the relationship and he could not appreciate me nor did he want to. He did not want to make me a priority anymore. I asked him to please let go of the resentment he had for me falling down this bad luck hole and to give me a chance, he went on a skiing trip by himself with boys and on our shared computer his fb was open and I noticed he was messaging two girls telling them he misses them. He’s always been friendly with people and he said That was nothing and he didn’t cheat but then he put a password on our shared computer right after.

    The night I found about those two women and I asked him if there was anyone else he said no, there’s no time for me to see anyone else and I don’t tell people I miss them. Which he lied to my face as I already knew. He told me that me trying to revive this relationship was like beating a dead horse, it went from him wanting to take a break to possibly fixing this to just ending it. He pulled the “you deserve better and I don’t want to be that for you” . He burst my bubble then pulled the rug right from under me before April even began. I invested my whole being into him, his family and his friends. They are all in shock and very sad. I still love him and can’t imagine anyone else, his face, his essence his being is all I want. Despite him clearly telling me in the end I’m not the one for him.

    He wasn’t there for me and he didn’t give me the chance not even after I helped him through his lowest moments. For some reason he is still all I can think about and I already imagined a whole future and we had all our vacations for this year planned out. Does this sound like something worth trying to go back to? Am I just stupid? I moved back to my parents house a state away. He is now in MD and I am in VA. We will not see each other but he thinks that In the future he could be a reference for me or even still be friends. He told me once he thought he could be a sociopath as he has no empathy for what happened at all and was trying to motivate himself to care about me in the end.

    I know what this sounds like but I couldn’t believe him, these words and thoughts were never like him and I fear one friend that doesn’t like me influenced him a lot. I’m in denial and don’t know if I should try again after the NC period, he wanted me to have personal growth and splittting up was mainly for that and bc he didn’t have time for me nor want to make time for me. His family loves me to death and I them and I loved every moment with him, this last month has been a nightmare rollercoaster and I can’t believe he would so robotically and logically push me away without a second thought. He was never good at multi-tasking or prioritising, he gets overwhelmed. Is there a chance? Do I even want it?

13. 

    Stephanie

    April 7, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    I am fresh out of s break up as of 3-4 days ago. I thought I was going to marry this man, he was everything I wanted. I felt strong and deep feelings for his whole being and every little thing he did. We did not fight a lot, we were good at communicating and talking things through. 6 months ago when I went on a solo trip he mentioned that he felt he couldn’t share my excitement bc we were on different emotional paths, he was very busy and stressed and couldn’t hold space for me experiencing fun things abroad. He said he needed to finish up projects and he just needed me to come back to him. After I came back home, I immediately went into helping with his projects bc he was struggling and he told me no other girl would’ve helped him like this on a bathroom renovation project and it was amazing of me to do so. I thought things were fine but maybe he had lost feelings and things gradually went downhill for him since then. Our trip to his best friends wedding was a little strained, I could feel he was distant, I felt not connected to him despite trying at every turn. I had lost my job the in October returning from my solo trip and that bothered him, after the wedding in December I still couldn’t get a job and January and February made him resent me. He never said anything though, i felt depressed and unworthy and he didn’t want to be around me or try to support me as he had a million other important things on his mind. Come March it all spilled out at once when I asked if he was okay. He told me he wanted us to move out of the apartment and live apart, he wants to live alone and experience not having to come home to me because lately I’m no fun and andebbie downer and I don’t inspire him anymore. This was news to me, he burst my bubble. I told him that instead of throwing away 2.5 amazing years, we should try to fix it. He flip flopped his mind every day for 5 days. Agreeing to fix it then saying it’s stupid and we should just separate, then saying that this is a big mistake and we can work this out. During his break up moods he said he was over me, over this relationship, I told him how much I loved him and planned for us to get married and how his goals were the same. He mentioned yes, maybe at some point but not anymore, my plans were imaginary and fantasy. He’s always wanted to live on his own and hasn’t gotten the chance, he also hasn’t ever lived with a girlfriend before and he initiated we move in together after 7 months dating. He said it was amazing then W said it was a mistake, we did it too early, should have waited till marriage. He started noticing a routine and all of his friends are either married or getting married and it may have prompted that we were supposed to be next and he did not want to just follow this path, he wanted to make the conscious choice to do it. It scared him and he said he was not ready for a committed relationship this serious. I fought for our relationship, him changing his mind every day told me he was conflicted in his feelings, he promised to see April through and I finally heard back from a job and things would be so different with me occupying my time as well. He felt that I put 110% in the relationship and he could not appreciate me nor did he want to. He did not want to make me a priority anymore. I asked him to please let go of the resentment he had for me falling down this bad luck hole and to give me a chance, he went on a skiing trip by himself with boys and on our shared computer his fb was open and I noticed he was messaging two girls telling them he misses them. He’s always been friendly with people and he said That was nothing and he didn’t cheat but then he put a password on our shared computer right after. I the night I found about those two women and I asked him if there was anyone else he said no, there’s no time for me to see anyone else and I don’t tell people I miss them. Which he lied to my face as I already knew. He told me that me trying to revive this relationship was like beating a dead horse, it went from him wanted to take a break to possibly fixing this to just ending it. He pulled the “you deserve better and I don’t want to be that for you” . He burst my bubble then pulled the rug right from under me. I invested my whole being into him, his family and his friends. They are all in shock and very sad. I still love him and can’t imagine anyone else, his face, his essence his being is all I want. Despite him clearly telling me in the end I’m not the one for him. He wasn’t there for me and he didn’t give me the chance not even after I helped him through his lowest moments. For some reason he is still all I can think about and I already imagined a whole future and we had all our vacations for this year planned out. Does this sound like something worth trying to go back to? Am I just stupid? I moved back to my parents house one state away. He is now in MD and I am in VA. We will not see each other but he thinks that I’m thenfuture he could be a reference for me or even still be friends. He told me once he thought he could be a sociopath as he has no empathy for what happened at all and was trying to motivate himself to care about me in the end. I know what this sounds like but I couldn’t believe him, these words and thoughts were never like him and I fear his one friend that doesn’t like me influenced a lot. I’m in denial and don’t know if I should try again after the NC period, he wanted me to have personal growth and splittting up was mainly for that and bc he didn’t have time for me nor want to make time for me. His family loves me to death and I them and I experienced so much amazing things, this last month has been a nightmare rollercoaster and I can’t believe he would so robotically and logically push me away without a second thought.

14. 

    Confused and clueless

    April 7, 2019 at 8:09 am

    My boyfriend and I have just broken up after six months together. This is the first time we’ve properly broken up but we have had a couple of fights before that have resulted in us breaking up, only to get back together a few hours later. This breakup was due to us fighting a lot in the weeks leading up to now, and also him just not wanting to be in a relationship anymore, he told me that he misses being single and he just wants to be alone and do whatever he wants. I completely got that and despite crying a lot about it, I let him go without any begging or fighting. However, when I was waiting to get a ride home from his house he kept cuddling me and holding my hand, but insisted it felt purely platonic after I questioned him about it. He stated that it was the first time it’s ever felt platonic and I don’t know what to believe, can you really lose romantic feelings for somebody in a split second like that? He also hinted that he might want to try again in the future and that he ended up feeling bored with his other exes, but I was the only one he’s ever had a desire to try again with. I feel like he is just saying this to spare my feelings and that he is just giving me false hope. I haven’t spoken to him since then, but I will have to see him sooner or later as we are unfortunately both on the same college course and in a band together. Do you think there’s any hope whatsoever in trying to get him back?

15. 

    Lillie

    April 1, 2019 at 2:53 am

    Hi Chris,
    Thank you for this helpful guide! I am in kind of a state of confusion and need an “expert opinion.” I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months last February. It was not a terrible breakup, and it was mostly because I was concerned that we might never get to that “forever” stage. Long story short, I had hoped we had a future. Our two families even spent Christmas together, which was his doing, so I thought maybe that we had a future, but he would never say the word “love” or talk about the future. I’m 33, so I don’t exactly have time to waste! After six months of wondering if maybe I’d made a mistake due to impatience, I called him on his birthday. He called back, and we had a friendly conversation for about 2 hours. No contact, then 3 weeks later, he wished me a Merry Christmas by text. I responded likewise. I called him 1 week later. Once again, good convo. He did say he was going to be busy the next few weeks at work (hmmm). Still, I forged ahead and mentioned us getting together sometime. He said, “Yeah, that’d be good.”
    Two months later after no contact, I text. Quick back and forth. I called a few nights later and left a voicemail. Crickets. I tried again a week later. We had a good talk and I asked him to have lunch or coffee. He said, “Yeah, we could at some point. I have to check my schedule.” Then, I heard nothing for a week. I tried calling again. No answer, so I just text asking if he’d like to get together the next week. He responded “At work.” Last week, I tried one more call. No answer. I’m thinking I should give up, but I want to be sure I did all I could before walking away. Can you offer any advice?

1. 

   Chris Seiter

   April 1, 2019 at 10:30 pm

   Hi Lillie….I like to think of it as walking down another path, not necessarily away. You can return to NC, but pursue those things that make you fulfilled. You need not put a break on pursuing other relationships either when you are ready for that. Does that mean he is completely out of the picture. No necessarily. The future is always moving with different possibilities. If he does not come pursuing you, then consider it his loss.

16. 

    Cass

    February 2, 2019 at 4:19 am

    so me and my ex were together for 11 months. he said he loved me and felt i was the most special girl he’s ever met. we had a connection like no other and did everything together. however, the past few months we’ve been having petty arguments that blow up into fights and screaming matches. these have mostly been about my insecurities. he told me he was emotionally drained and stressed and not happy, that he hated his life because of the stress and that we need to separate, that he doesn’t want to picture his life without me in it but he can’t do it anymore. he said his love for me was crushed and i killed it with all the fights and disagreeing, that i didn’t stop when he told me to stop and i basically took everything he said and walked all over it, and that all he can feel right now is anger.
    we live together, so after begging and pleading with him and dealing with the rejection i eventually calmed down and asked him if there’s anything i could do to have a chance. he said “the only chance we have is if we separate and i miss you and realize i want you in my life. it’s more than likely that I’ll miss you but i can’t do it when you’re still here in my face. just have hope and think positive. i need time to move past the negative and see the positive of our relationship. you need to work on your mental health and i need to try to get over my anger about the fighting. if that happens we can see how we do with texting and then if it works you can come stay on the weekends and we can go from there.”
    i moved back home that night after eating dinner with him and saying goodbye, so I left on peaceful terms. he told me to text him when i got home safe and i said “home” to which he texted back “yay! glad you made it home safe!” and that’s the last time we said anything. i put no contact into effect and it’s been about a week so far. do i have a good chance or am i doomed? planning to give the no contact until he says something.

1. 

   Chris Seiter

   February 3, 2019 at 12:33 am

   Hi Cass!

   No, you are not doomed and yes, implementing No Contact and doing all the other things I talk about in my Program should improve your chances.

17. 

    Angela

    December 21, 2018 at 1:14 am

    I so wish I have the money for a 1 on 1 as I need it!! But I need every penny for my last year and a half at university at the moment 🙁 I thought this was worth a shot, but thank you anyways… I guess the parting question is, should I meet for coffee or just leave it alone?

1. 

   Chris Seiter

   December 21, 2018 at 11:37 pm

   Hi Angela….certainly if coaching isn’t a good match for you, consider some of my other resources that can serve as your Companion Guide throughout this process. As to whether its time for meet for coffee…etc…..it really depends on where you are in the process of implementing the strategies I lay out.

18. 

    Angela

    December 20, 2018 at 12:01 am

    I was with my ex boyfriend for approximately over 2 years, and halfway during our relationship we moved in together for the summer while attending university. We acknowledged moving in together was temporary as we made arrangements to live with friends during the upcoming school year, previously. However, something happened during the start of the school year where I felt that a lot of emotional baggage from a previous relationship of mine was getting in my way from truly enjoying and trusting my ex boyfriend. I decided to break up with him to just fix myself and be happy with myself, again. He was extremely hurt by it and I swear I went through hell and back to get back together with him about 2 months later. Anyways, I believe I tried to get back together with him too soon as I felt I didn’t allow myself to let go of everything I was trying to let go from my previous relationship, I think I was just afraid of letting go of someone I still wanted a future with. But nevertheless, we still got back together and were happy for about 6 months. Unfortunately, we had a fight one day which has never escalated to that extent before and it led to me asking him to leave the car and take the bus home (we were heading to study together and on the normal bus route to and from school). The fight was about how I wasn’t too comfortable that he was moving in the following year with a friend of his that had once groped me at a university party when he was drunk. His friend had also told my ex that I was exaggerating about the whole thing and my ex told me that he didn’t know who to believe. I obviously was hurt about the whole situation and how he said he didn’t know who to believe and felt entirely uncomfortable about a guy who can manipulate his way out of things at the expense of calling me a liar. Unfortunately, my ex was also hurt that I was bringing it up since a couple weeks of getting back together he asked that we live together the following year and I told him no because I was feeling hesitant to live together because my family is very traditional and I was just afraid what they would think since whenever he came home to visit they always asked him to sleep in a separate room from me. I just always wanted to do things right with him and I didn’t think waiting another year would have an effect on our relationship. I suppose it hurt him that I rejected to live with him, again. Anyways, we had a falling out for a month after that fight and he decided to end things because he “felt a lot of pressure” from me and that he wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to stay in America now. (He is an international student and had just graduated his last year and was working on his last 6 months of OPT visa before he either had to figure something out or move back home). I understood where he was coming from and decided to move on which proved to be very difficult. He would continue to talk to me and wanting to hang out, and said that he wanted to still have me in his life, and of course after a while, I couldn’t take it anymore and got so emotional and told him to stop talking to me after a texting gnat flurry of telling him everything that I was feeling. At first he was reading everything and said that he wanted to hear what I had to say and hoped that it would make me feel better, but I took it to an extreme and continued to do it for a couple of days and he then said that it was making him sad and that he had to block me on the phone. He said he was sorry and that he thought that he might have made a mistake, but after seeing how emotional I was he said that maybe he might have made the right choice. I felt that he was just playing with me, and the whole situation was unfair. But I told him I didn’t want to hear from him, again.

    Anyways, fast forward after 3 months of no contact and he texted once during that time. I felt that I was in a better place to initiate contact and see what would happen. Plus, I was interested to see what he has done with his life and what his plans were. He was extremely responsive to my first text and texts after that. One night he said that he was sorry for everything and that there hasn’t been a day where he has not thought about me. And he always thinks about the time that we lived together for that one summer. And that he knew my birthday was coming up and that his mom was coming to visit from out of country and he would like for me to meet her. And that he offered to teach me how to drive his car and that it would be cool to go to the gym together. Of course, it was an overwhelming positive response and it made me happy to hear all of it. I told him that all of this was too fast and that if he would like to apologize sincerely, I would like to hear it from him in person. And so he offered to come over and give me a “birthday present”, as well. He brought over wine and the present (which was a small lotion) and we had a very decent conversation and he kept mentioning how tempted he was to touch me and that he still found me as attractive as ever. I did not allow things to go further after that because I remembered that there needed to be more to the chase and just build on from there. Unfortunately, the next time we met up he brought wine over again, and things got sexual and he ended up staying over. I did not mean for that to happen, but the following afternoon was a dinner he planned for his mom, a couple of close friends, and I. It was a nice dinner and I was pretty sad that I couldn’t communicate fluently with her as I wanted to and he noticed that because a couple hours after dropping me off, he texted me saying that he knew I was sad that I couldn’t talk with her but he loved having me meet her and that she was so excited to have finally met me in person after all this time. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he was texting as if he was interested and he initiated a lot of the texts. I, however, made the wrong decision by continuing the sexual encounters when I knew they were wrong but I knew he didn’t have much time out of his busy schedule from leaving work, planning to move for graduate school, entertaining his mom, and talking to me. So I guess, I thought this was a way to reconnect with the little time we did have before he moved for graduate school. Anyways, I ate dinner with him and his mom twice more and he ended up buying me a more expensive gift for my birthday (a nice wallet), he called me on my birthday, and also called me on thanksgiving. I thought these were all things that he didn’t have to do, but were signs that things were sort of progressing. However, just two weeks ago he stayed over and we had an emotionally honest conversation between us before falling asleep. Then I didn’t hear from him for about a week. And he agreed to talk last Thursday before I left for home for winter break. He said that he did think about getting back together and that he can look back and say that he was genuinely happy when we were together. But he said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship while he is studying in graduate school and that he doesn’t know exactly what he wants. Getting married terrifies him. And that another reason is because he heard that I was thinking about studying abroad for my master’s degree when I graduate next year and that he just wants me to be happy and not change any plans for him. But he also is afraid that this ruins chances with me (whatever that means) and that he still wants to know about me and continue to talk and that he cares about me. He apologized for everything again, and that he wants to treat me with the respect that I deserve and wish that we were not hooking up all this time. I told him that I didn’t think of him like that, as a person to just hook up and leave. But, I felt pretty blindsided by this because I felt that we could have talked about this if he was even considering about a relationship, again. I realize that I did not make the impression that I wanted to make with him, and I’m afraid that I ruined all chances. I don’t know where to go from here because I would like to reconnect again with him in the future and that I’m hopeful things will turn out. There’s no denying that we have a connection, but I was hoping he would give it another chance this time. He mentioned that he wanted to get coffee as soon as he moves into his new place which is in the same city as where I’m visiting my family for Christmas. Should I go back to no contact? Did he just tell me that he knows he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me for good? I’d like to meet him for coffee and just have a fun time and remind him what it’s like to see me without any serious talks or hooking up. I’m just really confused by this as I was just following his lead all this time, and that I thought things could really be different this time for our relationship. I realize that we are young and that he has been so busy with studying for entrance exams, planning for school, entertaining his family that came to visit, etc. that he hasn’t met other people and that without a doubt he will be meeting new people in his new city. I’m not afraid of that, but I’d like advice as to proceed for myself? Do I agree to be his friend during the mean time? Do I be his friend and only let him initiate contact? Do I do no contact again? What will help my chances for a future with him IF he is the one? Also, I would like to mention that I’m not going to be holding myself from meeting new people either, but if he happens to be the one, what should I do? help!

1. 

   Chris Seiter

   December 20, 2018 at 2:46 am

   Hi Angela….there is a lot going on here. You have been thru a lot. And I so much wish I could do your message full justice by providing a lengthy response and answer every question. If you have not picked up my epic 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”, then please take a look as there is so much more of “Me” in there than you can get here in this Comment forum. And if you need 1 x 1 coaching, we have services for that as well.

19. 

    Kim

    December 3, 2018 at 7:11 pm

    Good afternoon,

    Please help me understand my situation.
    I have to say it’s been 6 years since I have dated anyone since my divorce which I was i married for 14 years.
    So I finally am ready to date and recently started dating. I would not say we are boyfriend or girlfriend yet as it has only been a month but it seems like we were very compatible. Anyway, on Thanksgiving Day he was overwhelmed with things that day but he told me he was still going to come later that evening. I never heard from him and the next day I text him that if he wasn’t going to make it please be respectful and text me back saying that he can’t make it anymore.
    He text me back the following day stating that I was upset which I wasn’t but just sad of the situation that he didn’t show up. He also stated that he never text people and say words I can’t take back. I didn’t use any vulgar language or anything to him but simply saying I would like a courtesy text in the future.
    He thought I also chastised him for missing one invite. I didn’t think I did but I apologized for it many times because it is not in my nature to chastise anyone. He did apologize for not making it to the party. He told me that we both need to take a step back and reassess what to do. I text him many times about a week now but I finally stop since I read that this could make me look like I’m begging. It’s been a very long time since I dated anyone and really don’t know what the rules are these days. He said he was struggling with what I said or made him feel and don’t really know how to still feel about it.
    Since all of my texts to him, he has not responded back to any of it.
    Can you tell me what this all means??? It’s driving me crazy as I have never had to experience silent treatment before and is this his way of ending it without all the ramifications of having to say goodbye ? Did I already pull him away from texting him for a week without no response and what does taking a step back to reassess really means?
    Thank you for any insight into this matter.
    Kim

1. 

   Chris Seiter

   December 3, 2018 at 9:24 pm

   Hi Kim….I don’t think you did anything wrong. Sure, probably too many texts trying to explain your point of view. But it is your ex that needs to shore up his behavior and not try to blame you for his insecurities. Best to employ no contact in the way I teach it in my Program as there are many elements that should benefit you.

20. 

    Alicia Smith

    November 24, 2018 at 7:41 pm

    My ex girlfriend and I were perfect. She completed me in every way, and vice versa. We only had small fights but nothing ever large. We always loved each other. But one night we were out with her friends and she was inside the bar and I was outside with her friends. I passed out from drinking and her friends got scared and called an ambulance. My ex thought I would lose my career but I didn’t. I even got promoted and I wasn’t upset with her. We moved on. But then it happened again. And she works at the hospital that the ambulance brought me too. I am not an alcoholic I don’t drink outside of having a good time with friends but I just have really bad luck. I stopped drinking for 60 days. But it wasn’t enough my ex told me she doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. I have tried everything and asked if she was upset before the events. She said no, she was happy. But she’s scared it’s going to happen again. But I’m confident it won’t because this is the greatest consequence of my life. I love her with all my heart and I would never do that to her again. We haven’t talked in 1 week. What do you suggest I do? Is it worth trying still?

1. 

   Chris Seiter

   November 25, 2018 at 1:50 am

   Hi Alicia…probably best to tap into my Program and adopt the way I teach No contact. It has many elements and pieces to it when done correctly.