When You Should Stop Trying To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,125 thoughts on “When Should You Stop Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?”

kanary

February 18, 2015 at 12:17 am

its hard to remember the good times when there was so many bads. I was always unhappy sad and depressed which caused me to gain a lot of weight. I never seeked professional help because i had no insurance at the time. Since he broke up with me 3 weeks ago and is deployed, i used our insurance to talk to a therapist. I think he couldn’t deal with me being unhappy and out of my element and the fact that i gained weight. I continued to gain weight when i found out his attention was going elsewhere. Im finally moving down the right path with my health. I started my weight loss journey about a month ago which is making me less insecure with my body. However, i still feel sad about the break up. What should i do between now and august when he comes back?

My sister said losing weight will be the sweetest revenge since he cared so much about my weight. Will losing weight make him more attracted to me? or will he think about the years that i was unhappy sad and depressed?

I’m 25 he is 28. We are married. Been together for 11 years.

admin

February 18, 2015 at 9:39 pm

Well, have you read my article on marriage?
kanary

February 18, 2015 at 9:54 pm

where can i find that article?
admin

February 18, 2015 at 10:16 pm

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-husband-back/

Wang

February 17, 2015 at 8:13 am

Hi chris
I need some advice from you…i have been in relationship with a guy for more than four years. He is the love of my life ..we had a healthy relationship and though he dint say that I want to marry you, he made me meet his family and they loved me…Things were goin great until I got a job that he really wanted and he dint…He has been acting distant since last 5-6 months and we were on and off till now..also I would like to add that in between we dint meet for a year as both of us have very busy schedule and his job is very hectic as in he hardly gets any leave and is mostly busy on sundays also..till recently he used to give me mixed signals,teling me to break up but to be in touch,telling me that I m the love of his life but is mom is dead against it ,sometimes telling me yo move on and sometimes telling me to wait…and calling me out of the blue sometimes, and suddenly he would be very nice to me saying things like you are the love of my life and then switching off all his phones for two days at a stretch and even deactivating his facebook…I really don understan what he wants…when I ask him is he seeing someone else he says no …i am doing the no contact as of now ( on day 2 ) and its hard….can u please give me any suggestions…thanks a lot

admin

February 17, 2015 at 1:11 pm

Well, you are still very early on the NC…

Have you prepared any text to send after NC?
Wang

February 17, 2015 at 3:18 pm

I just wanted to know one thing is it possible that he is leaving me because of job insecurities? I got the job he always wanted …and though he has a job which pays him ok ok…he is frustrated with his job cus its a very demanding and stressful job(he even almost got fired ) he hardly gets any leave…he changed six months ago when things were not going well with his job…he doesnt tell me that he is insecure,but I can sense it ,though I might be wrong…if it is a job insecurity how do I deal with it….will no contact still work?
Wang

February 17, 2015 at 3:13 pm

I checked your website and got an idea of what to say after the no contact….i will try my best to complete the no contact atleast for a month…love your website….thanks for replying
admin

February 18, 2015 at 9:20 pm

Your welcome!

Also, check out the podcast I just came out with.

Pha

February 15, 2015 at 5:18 pm

Hi. My boyfriend admitted that he can’t resist to fall in love with other girls.. My boyfriend and I are in good terms, the only problem we have is his bad flirting habit. Sometimes we get bored when we have nothing to do or to talk about. And it gives an awkward silence. But, we really do love each other and he said he wants to marry me in the future. And we always have fun together..

What should I do? Should I break up with him..? But I really love this guy. What can I do to change his attitude? It’s really breaking my heart. :'(

admin

February 16, 2015 at 11:44 pm

He actually said that to you?
Pha

February 17, 2015 at 2:34 am

Yes, he is very open with me. He said he wants to be honest with me. I’m having 2nd thoughts on continuing this relationship. I don’t know if I should still go for this guy. I love him so much. Will he ever change that kind of attitude? What do you think? Is he worth loving/fighting for?
Pha

February 17, 2015 at 3:32 pm

Chris please help me… I need to make a good decision. 🙁
admin

February 18, 2015 at 9:21 pm

What specifically do you want my help with?
Pha

February 19, 2015 at 2:32 am

I want to know what’s the best thing to do.. To break up with him or try to fix our relationship? And how can I do it?

I badly need your help. I don’t want to regret in the future so pls help me decide.
Pha

February 19, 2015 at 2:39 am

And to add a little information…we’ve been together for 2 yeard already. He said that our relationship became boring because we don’t have anything to talk about anymore, we know each other from head to foot, and he feels like there’s nothing interesting about me/relationship. I really want to save our relationship, but I don’t know how to do it.

Sarah

February 13, 2015 at 10:58 am

Hi Chris, need some advice as to whether it’s time to move on.

Known my ex about 9 years and two years ago we got in to a relationship. It lasted a year. He broke up with me about 9 months ago and throughout that time I did no contact a couple times but only for about two weeks. He would constantly try to contact me and act as if maybe we would get back together… We have really been very good friends still since breaking up but we would see each other regularly and do coupley things…

Anyway, long story short last month he out of the blue told me it’s time we both moved on and were just friends and that he had met someone. I said okay and immediately went in to no contact. He sent me a few messages the first two weeks but by the end of week two he was sending me multiple messages a day and told me he missed me. Eventually he got annoyed and said he would delete my number and not contact me again so I cut no contact down to 21days.

I contacted him a few days ago and he was really happy to hear from me, he was really talkative and whenever I didn’t reply he would send multiple messages. He even alluded to wanting to meet up. I assumed maybe things hadn’t worked out with the new girl until yesterday I asked about her and he told me they are in a relationship and that he hopes I won’t stop talking to him again because he really wants us to be friends.

Is it now time to move on? I don’t want to sniff around someone else’s relationship and I don’t want to be his safety net in case it doesn’t work out…

KAY

April 27, 2015 at 4:35 am

Hi Chris, so I’ve been reading a lot of your articles and I just would like some advice or a response on my current situation.
So I was dating and talking to a guy for three years, on and off for long distance reasons, but we recently decided to finally head towards being really serious for the past two months. Things were great and we developed a really strong bond, not counting the bond we already had cultivated throughout the three years of being interested in each other. Then one day he just got angry over something really small and also with the way I was acting that day, and he decided to cut things off. He’s the type of guy who likes to ignore me whenever this happens, so he immediately blocked me on everything. I don’t understand what I did and what I said, and I immediately emailed him and sent a voicemail apologizing for the mess.
I decided to give him space for a few days, thinking that he would come back because he’d previously done so in other fights, but he didn’t and I reached out again, begging for another chance to make things right. He responded with anger and told me that he didn’t want to be with me and that he was done. I knew that he was only speaking out of his emotions so I was dumb and persisted. I did everything in my power to try and consult with him and talk things through; I tried contacting him through any way possible and I admit that I did act pretty desperate. But nothing worked because he is the type of person who doesn’t like to confront his problems and deal with emotions.
He said a lot of hurtful things to me and I could tell he was annoyed and angry with the way I persisted and begged for another chance, but I couldn’t help it at the time, I just really loved this guy and didn’t want to lose him from my life. He called me pitiful and desperate and he said that I wasn’t wanted. He told me that he was over me already and that he didn’t care however way I chose to cope with my pain in the breakup (meaning he didn’t care if I partied and slept with other guys). Although he said these things, he showed up to the university I currently attend to see his friends (we don’t go to the same school, he lives an hour away from me), even when he had previously told me multiple times that he would never ever visit my school due to other personal reasons. The fact that he did this made me wonder if he did it to spite me and show off in my face that he can be in an area around me but not interact with me and hope that if we did bump into each other, he would be seen as superior. But based on the hurtful things he’s said, in previous fights, he’s said the same things to me before only to end up wanting me back. He has come back multiple times.
The only reason why I am really worried this time is because we had gotten so serious during this time period, and the night prior to the huge fight, he had told me multiple times that he loved me and what not. Now, he said he is fully over me, but I don’t think it is possible for him to lose all the love he had for me in that small time span.
Right now, he has still blocked my number and all my social media accounts, I’m not sure if he has blocked my email, but I finally decided to enter the NC stage and it’s only been two days, but do you think he will come back and unblock me eventually? Or what do you believe will be the outcome for my situation if I continue with NC?
admin

February 16, 2015 at 10:45 pm

I wish you had lasted longer than just two weeks.

So, its been 9 months since the first breakup?
Sarah

February 17, 2015 at 9:05 am

I lasted three weeks…

Yeah it’s been 9 months, things have changed a bit since I posted this comment though.

On valentines day he became a massive text gnat… He told me he missed me and he tries to see me in the new girl but he can’t and so he keeps finding things wrong with her and didn’t really want to see her.

We’re meeting today, let’s see what happens 🙂

Jess

February 12, 2015 at 3:06 am

I went on a 3 wk no contact, asked him to give things a go, he said that I’m a beautiful person and we have a connection but he just can’t do it..now I’ve nearly finished another 21 day no contact and havnt heard anything from him.. Should I still contact him using your text methods? Or do u think this is a good indicator that he meant it and should let it go?

admin

February 16, 2015 at 10:05 pm

You definitely should!
Jess

February 16, 2015 at 1:07 am

Chris needing your advice!! 1 day until 21 days like u suggested!! Should I still contact him using your methods or try 30 days instead??! I don’t want to stuff it up!!

sandra mangut

February 11, 2015 at 10:49 am

Hi thanks for your write-ups and attention. Please i need your help and i just need the honest truth and reality from my story because i have a lot to say and urgently need an answer or solution please help me if you don’t mind thanks. I met my ex-boyfriend on Mobofree. And he contacted me first but when i saw the message, i ignored it at first and then after a week i responded to him he introduced himself to me and gave me a history of himself at afterwards which amazed me later on i thought that he was a scammer because i just got out of a fake relationship with a scammer online who finally took my money. So meeting Eric because that is his name was more or less like history repeating itself to me again so i decided to play safe. He came on to me so strongly and had all the qualities of my dream man and i immediately fell for him. I later on found out that he was a very secretive person and i thought it was because he works for a securtiy company in London and so he is really used to keeping secrets but he can be very opened about my looks since we haven’t met because i am from and in Nigeria and he is mixed a Nigerian and a British and baseed in London. One day i asked him about his past relationship and how it was like to him he immediately logged out. The following day he came back and apologized about his loggin out and i accepted his lame apologies. he said he was a jealous type and wouldn’t want me to hang-out with anyone else apart from him and understood him because i am also a jealous type. He decided to send me a gift and i refused he insisted and i told him that i had a bad experience about people sending gifts to me and he apologized and insisted that he will pay for the delivery so i accepted and told him about my choice of gifts and gave him my address after his plea for a very long time. When the gifts arrived about a week later i told him that i will not pay for the delivery so he immediate sent me the address of his cousin and said i should contact him which i did and the cousin said that i have to pay for the delivery so i sent half of the money to him and wanted Eric to send the other half till today, he hasn’t even made an effort to send the gifts to me and i ignored it. Eric started saying how much he wanted to be with me and make me his wife and he said he would come to Nigeria this year in January to see me and Engage me. We later discovered that wwe have a lot in common and we both wanted the same things in life. Gradually, he stopped calling and texting as he usually did when he was chasing me earlier on. He started chatting with me on the site and mailing me. Sometimes, if i am not online, he would just leave a message and log out when i complained about his not calling, he started calling me again. We usually have phone sex since he loves sex and was sexually abused as a young boy so he craves for sex like it is food which i didn’t see as a problem. Sometimes, he would not even call or text or email and most especially during the weekends and it started troubling me i even discovered that he only chats with me during his working days and not weekends so i approached him on the issue and asked why. He only apologized and begged that i shouldn’t leave him because he will die if i do that he will change he promised so i agreed to stay and he kept to his words but after a while, he stopped contacting me and varnished when he came back from his hibernation, he told me that his Mom was ill and that they will have to operate on her so i sympathized with him and encouraged him to be strong for her and he said he wants her to live so she can carry my child. Why? after a week we were back to normal and his journey was moved till after his mom got her operation. He also calls me Beautiful saying that i am very beautiful and he can’t imagine living his life without me in it. One day he asked for my nude pictures and i asked for his too. he always tells me how horny i make him feel each time we chat or talk over the phone and he can’t resist me and i sent my pictures to him, he never sent his. One day, i told him to skype with me he said he can’t that he doesn’t have time for me and that he is not on any other chat site so if he opens a skype account, how will he cope? so i agreed. Later on i searched for his records online but didnt find anything. I used his pictures but nothig came up. So i used his name turned out that he had three account online 1- on mobofree, another on waplog and another on lagos meet. I was shocked about it. so i brke up with him for lying to me he was sad and asked why i told him he lied so he said that ‘what lie did he tell and why am i tarnishing his personality’ i told him that i found two other account of his online. he started apoloising and begged that i shouldn’t go that he will die and what should he tell his mom? i said i don’t know. so after a while, i forgave him and stayed later that night, we had sex since we haven’t had it in a while he was so excited about it. Three days back, i decided to end this madness we were both having that was after he told me that his Mom’s operation was a success but she was still breathu=ing with the help of an oxygen. I then told him that i am leaving him and it is for good since his mom is okay and he shouldn’t contact me again until he is sure that he is ready to answer all of my questions about the goods, and his past relationships. Later on that day, he came online and responded saying ‘Thanks and my mom has passed on and i think you will be happy and pls don’t write back it is not important anymore’. he left. When i saw it, it made me the saddest person on earth because if i had known i would have waited until she was discharged from the hospital before sending such a message. But i sent him so many messages on both of his accounts pleasding and asking for forgiveness and telling him to take heart. And since then, he keeps on coming online and logging out and he never did that before. He hardly comes online except to chat with me he can even spend four days without logging in. bUT NOW, He logs in and out every day.
Now there are so many questions on my mind. Why does he log in and out every day when he doesn’t do that while we were dating or has he started dating someone else already? 2) while we were still together, he always tells me that i am the best why? and why did he agree to let me go when his mom died knowing that that was the opportunity he had to keep me so i can comfort him? I know that i was wrong in so many ways and i deeply regret it but do you think we stand a chance or should i move on already? Lastly please. While we were still together and we had our Arguements of me breaking up with him before the final one, I told him that i was hanging out with someone and he was devastatded and said so i was seeing another person. But when i said i was kidding he made some sign of relieve i don’t understand why he should behave like that.although it wasn’t true all i wanted to get was his reaction and i got it really good and he once told me that he will never let me go but yet he was so quick to let me go now. And he once told me recently, that a lady was really chasing after him and that he told her he was engaged to me and he begged me to please call her and give her some money to get her off his back but i said no he should ignore her but he said okay and he logged out. Is he a scammer?
jessica

February 10, 2015 at 12:28 pm

Please help me, please!

We dated for 3 months ago. At the beginning I was very hostile. I would always break up with him, but he would always come back. After two weeks of dating, he told me loved me and that he’s never felt this way before. I even cheated on him (i’m horrible, i know). After the cheating we broke up for about 3 weeks, and got back together. Ever since, he’s been very cold and distant. He said that he doesn’t like or love me anymore. He’s a very genuine guy, I believed it when he said that. But I wanted to make it work. Many days he would cut our text convos short, never contact me first, but i kept trying. We still talked on the phone every day for few hours at a time. We are long distance, and he would even visit me 4 hours away. But i still felt, empty and neglected because of his attitude. After a few weeks of doing this, I finally told him I can’t do this anymore. When we are face to face, he treats me with utmost respect, and seems as if he’s still in love with me. He tells me he feels intense emotions when we are physically together, but when we are apart he feels nothing for me. This is a problem since, we are long distance. During this time, he was telling my cousin that he still loves me and that he’s just afraid of getting hurt again. I did not know of this conversation he was having with my her. Anyway, I was saying that we should breakup because i deserve someone that likes me all the time, not just when we are together. He said that he wanted to give it one more chance, that he didn’t want to break up, and he really was trying. He did change. He would contact me more and be more affectionate, but would still say stuff like he doesn’t like me, or miss me whenever i asked/confronted him about his feelings. I got tired and broke up with him. I asked if he ever saw us getting back together in the future. He said he doesn’t see it working out. And he hopes that i find someone that can love me the way i deserve to be loved.

I’m confused. I know he wasn’t using me for sex, since when i offered to stay friends with benefits, he refused.
Does he still love me?
Should I let it go?

I guess if a guy really loves you, he wouldn’t let you go…
Please give me some insight!

admin

February 10, 2015 at 4:24 pm

Have you tried any of the tactics on this site.
jessica

February 11, 2015 at 4:18 am

Yes I have. I got him back using no contact before.

I want to know whether he loves me or not…
Because if he doesn’t, there is no point of getting him back.

Kaesha

February 10, 2015 at 12:03 pm

What if the guys breaks up with you and gets in a new relationship a couple weeks later. Me and my ex got into it i waited a while and apoligized and he started back talking to me somewhat then he gets in a relationship like a week later im soo hurt but im doing the 90 day no contact im praying this is jus a rebound but I honestly dont know

admin

February 10, 2015 at 4:19 pm

Could be a rebound.

Why 90 days?
Kaesha

February 10, 2015 at 5:01 pm

I honestly dont think 30 is enough because of course hes happy with his new girlfriend right now because its the honeymoon stage so i dont know me trying to reconcile with him right now would really work
admin

February 11, 2015 at 1:31 pm

Do whatever you feel is best… But 30 days is a long time.
Kaesha

February 12, 2015 at 11:14 am

Yea i see how his girfriend is always tagging him in something on facebook and its really hurtful on my end had to stop goin on i do wanna apoligize to him for my part of the reason why we broke up but not right now i need time to heal and seeing him with her its not helping me heal right now with seeing all these i love him and miss him statuses after dating for only a week lol it jus seems like shes moving at a fast pace with him already. It hurts i cant lie

lucy

February 8, 2015 at 3:57 pm

Hi!
Thank you for this website, I know your articles by heart :-).
My story: my bf broke up with me in September because he was afraid to commit for fear he might get hurt (previous relationships wounds). He hesitated, cause we were good together. I became emotional. After 3-4 wks of nc contact I contacted him. He replied promptly. I kind of hooked him with jokes. I could continue. But he never initiates contact. He keeps liking my fb photos and on one ocassion he couldn’t help sending me a “kiss you”. For him it’s a lot cause he doesn’t express his feelings easily. Should I give up? I mean he knows that initiating contact would mean he’s interested and he avoids that. I am not emotional, I am confident and I do have a life. I care about him a lot. What do you recommend? Thank you!

admin

February 9, 2015 at 4:39 pm

That’s funny… I don’t know them by heart and I wrote them all 🙂 .

I wouldn’t give up just yet.

In your relationship who was the one who initiated contact the most?
lucy

February 9, 2015 at 5:35 pm

Your website is alive!!! 🙂 thank you for your quick reply.
He used to contact me first during our relationship.
I wouldn’t give up yet, but it’s hard to hang on.
admin

February 10, 2015 at 3:24 pm

IT’S ALIVEEEEE!!!

IT’S ALIVEEEE!!!!

Too much?

Well, just keep doing what you are doing and you may find that the dynamic switches.

susan

February 6, 2015 at 10:54 am

If a guy uses the ” i love you im just not in love wit you line” when he breaks up with you. Is that kind of it? There was nothing negative in the relationship

admin

February 6, 2015 at 2:34 pm

Not necessarily… I have seen a lot of guys take it back after they realize they made a mistake.

Jessa

February 5, 2015 at 2:33 am

Hey Chris, I want some insight in this .. I and him were never committed, but the amount of emotion and time we put into this “connection” was definitely something, and I am pretty sure that I wasn’t imaging it since he did tell his close friends about us. He was also very opened and didn’t care if I tell my friends. We were apart from each other after the first month we met. We kept our connection for about 5 months (via skype/text.) He was moving to my city, but a great job offer in another country came up unexpectedly, so he decided he just wanted us to be friends. I questioned him a lot about the decision before he left, so he was avoiding face-to-face contact and left without meeting me.

After some time, we kinda picked up our communication. He would drop me phrases like he misses talking to me, good morning .. etc. I took a chance and visited him in his city and probably ruined my chance because I acted too fast (initiated more intimacy, confronting feelings .. etc.)

He did insist we are just friends upon my arrival, but he also said he was kinda excited to see me. I could definitely tell his joy when we saw each other, but after I confessed my feelings, he denied everything and said I misunderstood his texts .. He has no feelings for me, he doesn’t find me attractive, and we are just normal friends.

I left his place and stayed somewhere else. He did reach out while I was still in town. I took a big step back and didn’t initiate any contact until I left his town. We hung out as friends with another friend because I didn’t want the same result as last time (avoiding) and wanted to play it cool ..

Dear Chris, would you help me to make some sense out of this? Thanks a bunch ..

admin

February 5, 2015 at 3:33 pm

Define never committed for me?

Were you two not officially in a relationship?
Jessa

February 7, 2015 at 6:20 pm

On a side note, when I saw him again and stayed at his place, he let me shared the same bed and the same blanket … I tried initiate more intimacy, he didn’t respond but didn’t reject physically. Then followed by my confession the same night. I think I turned him off by doing this? I’m in the beginning of NC now, but I really don’t know if I still have a shot.
Jessa

February 7, 2015 at 6:14 pm

That would be a “yes, we were never officially together.”

He only defined me as “gf/not gf” when he talked about me to others since we both didn’t want a long distance relationship, but he told me he weren’t looking and wanted to invest more lifetime because it’s worth it, and if we want we should try to be together (at the same place.)

Kaylee

February 2, 2015 at 8:22 pm

What should I do if I told everyone about the breakup including his family. I know that was wrong and I shouldn’t have but I did . I’m 2 weeks into nc
Should I continue ? I feel like he hates me … He’s only contacted me once and that was to see if I had his house keys

admin

February 3, 2015 at 1:08 pm

Nothing… whats done is done. Don’t dwell on it.
Kaylee

February 3, 2015 at 2:31 pm

So it doesn’t matter if I contact him or not?
We had a great relationship but at bad breakup
admin

February 4, 2015 at 1:49 pm

It matters WHEN you contact him.

Alexi

January 31, 2015 at 11:13 pm

Hello. My ex broke up with me a month ago. He said some things that hurt me very deeply. He told me that he needed some space and doesn’t know what he wants again. I said ok if that is what you want, I’ll give that to you. He said that it wasn’t what he wanted, but needed. I said okay. After that, I decided to not resist it and agree with it. I was very angry due to saying something that was very harsh. During NC, he reached out multiple of times. I broke the NC and reached out, but I cut it short and went back on it. He did reach out again during my last week of NC. I did not respond and kept myself disciplined for all those days. When those days were over, I contacted him. Both of those times were neutral, but I felt like he holds resentment or anger towards me. He responds, but I get frustrated because they are short. I do keep myself in order when he does and end the conversation quickly with the same tone, but friendly. I don’t understand why he is angry with me when he initiated the break up.

admin

February 2, 2015 at 1:51 pm

Like I say throughout the site…

Men paint themselves as the victim in the breakup role and sometimes they won’t make logical sense with their words.

Jess

January 29, 2015 at 6:13 am

If your ex sends you something like this after a 3 week no contact when I asked whether he would give things another shot:

He wrote this : Hey Jess, thanks for the msg and I’m happy ur trying to make improvements and I’m sure your friends and fam really appreciate it.. you are a beautiful person and agree we had a connection there, but right now I’m happy where I’m at, and have to say that getting back together isn’t what I want.. I don’t hate or dislike you in anyway nor do I hold resentment towards you, I just can’t do it.

Do you think I should just move on or go on a proper 30-90 day no contact and try your methods? We have been broken up 2 months.

admin

January 29, 2015 at 3:18 pm

I think he is a very nice person for saying that and not trashing you after a breakup like so many situations out there.

Of course, its not ideal.

I say still keep trying to build rapport with him.
Jess

January 29, 2015 at 9:49 pm

So should I wait another 30 days until I contact him or should I message him in like a weeks time or something using your tactics?
Jess

January 29, 2015 at 9:58 pm

Am I able to email you privately? I think I’m really going to need your help to win him over, it’s not going to be easy.
admin

January 30, 2015 at 4:15 pm

Sure, [email protected]
Jess

January 30, 2015 at 9:15 pm

Thanks Chris I sent you an email 🙂
admin

January 31, 2015 at 3:45 pm

Thanks Jess!

Mallory

January 28, 2015 at 8:20 pm

So here is my story….I was married to my ex for 2 years we dated for 3 we have been divorced since the end of Dec. I still love him very much and told him I didn’t want a divorce and wanted to work on things. Come to find out he Was dating someone 6 months before our divorce was official and now lived with her. We have a 4yr old I want my family back and I still love this man, but the new girl keeps him on a tight leash. How do I go about this. Ugh I feel so discouraged.

admin

January 29, 2015 at 2:38 pm

What caused the divorce?

The new girl?

Jelly

January 24, 2015 at 1:17 pm

First of all, English is not my native language so I apologize for any mistakes. (And this post will be long so I hope you have time to read..)

My ex bf and I broke up more than a month ago, it was a mutual break up because we always end up into little arguments. 2 days after the breakup, he asked me how was I doing. I told him that the b/u is really hard for me. We shared thoughts about how sad the b/u was but we both thought that it’s for the best. The next day, I asked for a reconciliation but he refused. He said that many chances have been given while we were in the relationship. I respected his decision and decided to do no contact. A week after our last conversation, he texted me and asked how I was doing but I did not reply. Then he greeted me on Christmas day in which I did not respond again. Days and weeks passed without contact from both sides. Almost 3 weeks after our breakup, he posted on facebook that he is in a relationship (to the girl I believe he courted through chatting while in a relationship with me). They also spent Christmas and New Year together. Fyi, we met abroad and we are now back to our country. He went back to our country a month ahead of me and while I’m still abroad, he met up with this girl for the first time and brought her gifts (I only find out when our relationship was over). Moving forward… I texted him after a month of no contact and asked how he was doing and he said he is not ok but don’t want to open it up. He apologized again for our breakup and for what he did (I assume the cheating part). I played it cool. But now, I don’t know where I stand. He never said he missed me or want to get back with me. It’s been 3 days since our last conversation and he never contacted me.

admin

January 26, 2015 at 3:16 pm

Sorry you lost me a bit….

He cheated on you correct?

Explain this to me.
Jelly

January 27, 2015 at 1:18 am

Yes, sort of. He was courting another girl via facebook while we were in the relationship and then they became official 3 weeks after our breakup.

While we were in the relationship, I caught him chatting with lots of girl he don’t know personally back in our country but are friends of his friends. I brushed it off since they were thousand miles apart. I thought he was just flirting. But I was surprised that he actually meet up with this certain girl who confessed that was inlove with him already.
admin

January 27, 2015 at 2:53 pm

Define his flirting for me?
Jelly

January 28, 2015 at 2:52 am

Well, he keeps on chatting those girls. Asks what are they up to, comforts them when they have problems, he compliments them by saying they’re pretty, he says that he likes them and want to meet in person when he goes back to the country.
N.M

February 3, 2015 at 8:12 am

Chris
This is what my guy was doing All these years….
He didn’t consider it cheating
But eventually he did land in someone’s bed.
Then started chatting, dating all over again….
I know you will ask why do I want him back…

Michelle

January 24, 2015 at 12:13 pm

We had another great time two nights ago where we just talked for a while, then we went upstairs and listened to music like we used to. He, also, did his old thing where if I bend over to grab something out of the fridge, he smacks my butt. He did that a few times. He commented again that I was losing weight, asking if my chest had gotten smaller. He started parading around in his underpants just like he used to as well. Oh, and one last thing was Wednesday night, I got a little drunk and I was so proud of how much weight I have lost in the last 12 days (15 pounds), that I went into his room, half-naked, and threw myself onto his bed to give him a hug. He was awake and gave me a hug. Yesterday, I apologized for it and he told me no apology necessary and that I should have done it in better light and when he wasn’t half-asleep, so he could see better.

He is the most confusing person on the planet. Is this all good signs or should I just chalk this up to we have history and he is just being a guy?

Update: So, last night he tells me he is going out bowling with his friend, Steven, which deep down I knew was a lie; I knew he was going to meet the married woman, Katie. Before he left, we were in the kitchen, laughing up a storm and just talking like we used to before everything went bad. Unprovoked, he brought up us trying again in the future, if he saw that the current changes I am making were permanent, and said he wantedto spend my birthday with me to get me a custom bowling ball. I mentioned to him that I wanted to join a league for bowling and he immediately jumped in and said he would join with me. Eventually, he left and said he would be back at a decent hour, but he didn’t get back until 2am. He came upstairs to my room and that is when he confirmed that it was Katie. He asked me, hypothetically, how I would feel if he brought her back to the house to stay over one night. I told him that would make me uncomfortable and he dropped it, but I reminded him later that since I was moving out in a month that he always had then. He responded to that by asking to tuck me into bed and then he actually climbed in and said he wanted to cuddle. I told him that it wasn’t me he wanted to cuddle with and he said if he didn’t want to, he wouldnt do it, so I told him he had to get to bed in his own bed and he asked me if I would come lay with him for 5 minutes and he wouldn’t try anything sexual. I did and he kissed me, but I pulled away. Then he asked me to stay the whole night, but I refused. Then he asked me if I ever looked into someone’s eyes and just knew. I said know what and he said you just know. I didn’t respond and went back upstairs to my room.

I am destroyed right now, but not letting him see it. What do I do? Does he love her? Am I delusional thinking this could work?

admin

January 26, 2015 at 3:15 pm

Your not delusional… your just hurt and its understandable.

I dont think he loves her b/c why would he try to kiss you if he loved her?
Michelle

January 26, 2015 at 4:19 pm

That is what has been going through my head as well, but I am just afraid to read into something and get hurt all over again. He kissed me again last night and tried to get handsy. It is really hard to handle since an hour prior to that, he was hanging out with her.

I am trying minimal contact right now with him.
Michelle

January 25, 2015 at 12:21 am

Further update: Tonight, he asked me if I could go to a friend’s because he wants to bring Katie here and she will probably spend the night. I am trying to be nice and not trash the new girl like the plan says, am I doing this right? Will this really be a rebound that will crash and burn?

Grace

January 24, 2015 at 7:38 am

Hi I this is long but I could REALLY use an opinion. My bf of 2.5 years and I had the “perfect” relationship. We shared values, interests, priorities, plans etc. We were best friends head-over-heels for each other and really worked. We were planning on getting married this summer and getting a place before he started University (there is a slight age gap I am 20 he is 18.. which is young I know, but we both come from parents with successful young marriages and are both mature and advanced..he already has his AA before graduating, works two jobs and makes time to drive out and visit me at college 45 min away every wednesdays, and I go to college in the city drive home to my hometown every weekend to see him while maintaining work as well. Everything was great until we had a discussion to address a few stresses and things escalated to a place they hadn’t before. He answered a question saying he loved me but wasn’t sure if he felt as “in-love anymore” mind you he is a bad communicator and had just that week been talking about how excited he was for us to get married. Well I freaked and gave him his ring back and stated we needed space. He tried to tell me he didn’t mean it but I was hurt. He cried and went home but the next day didn’t contact me. I didn’t mean it and didn’t think we’d seriously break up but when I tried to apologize and explain he had completely changed. The guy who had NEVER once said something spiteful to me or degrading tore into me with no mercy, listing every little thing he could possibly hate about me and demanded space to find himself “as an adult” or we were done for good (I am his first serious relationship) he wanted to stay exclusive so I agreed. During what was agreed to be a three week break he texted me every day, it grew into him flirting and then finally he wanted to call it completely off a week early and get back together. He drove back and begged for me to come back and I agreed but made him promise he was sure and not just lonely, I didn’t want to endure that pain. He promised and then we slept together which then immediately after he turned dismissive and selfish listing all the new rules he wanted for our relationship. Basically he didn’t want to give me my ring back because he didn’t “mean it anymore”, he didn’t want something as “serious” even though we’ve been planning on getting married for 2 years now, and wanted to change all the rules he set for us while I have been in college (no partying or drinking without, no close friends of the opposite sex, etc). It was utter BS! I thought it was just because he was still healing and would wear off, but as time grew he kept changing EVERYTHING about himself he became more selfish, rude, degrading, got gauges, started growing out his hair, changing his morals (he is usually an incredibly handsome, sensitive, kind/caring, very clean cut devout Christian). This lasted two weeks (where I just stayed positive and polite hoping for the best) until he said he was too sick to come over one day and I had had enough, I called and he tried to start by sweet talking and I didn’t allow it.. he dropped character and said he didn’t want to date anymore, he proceeded to be TERRIBLE showed no regard or caring at all and was very cruel. We met up to exchange things a few days after and he was acting like a different person still, at first he was cordial but then after getting angry at a response he said “I don’t love you and we will never have a future together” and left. The whole time I didn’t fight him or freakout/cry but calmly exposed all the holes and lies and told him I’d be here for him and praying cuz I know this is not his usual self. All of our mutual friends, our church, even his family is dumbfounded by this, he’s completely changed focus and personalities. Our relationship has been his center focus and priority for so long and he was nothing but loving and dedicated. It’s been a month and I haven’t said a word to him since, I don’t want him the way that he is now cuz I know he’s crazy and selfish but I’d be lying saying that I don’t think I’ll find anyone better than who he was and am hopeful he’s just freaking out and will come back. He hasn’t taken any of our photos down (half of all his photos on his social media cites are us, and one of his profile pictures) .He was clear/consistent about the fact that he does NOT want to date anybody and that there was nobody else at all (he was brutal and honest enough that I truly believe him, plus he was always VERY loyal). But Im at a loss, Im supposed to grab one of my art pieces (that he’s keeping up in his room) from him in a few months for a show Im doing but the more time goes by and he doesn’t apologize or come back the more angry and over him I become and also the more I miss who he used to be and I get sad thinking it will be over forever. I don’t know which one was the phase, this craziness, or us. What do you think, do you think he is going to regret it and come back or do you think I should let it go?

admin

January 26, 2015 at 3:08 pm

Go ahead and grab your art pieces you are entitled to them after all.
Grace

January 26, 2015 at 7:22 pm

Yes I will be grabbing them in a month or so for my show. I have been working on myself and not reaching out or concerning myself with him for over a month now but I still miss who he was and can’t believe the change. Do you think since he hasn’t contacted in a month he doesn’t care and isn’t coming back? Should I let go completely? I’m the type of person that once I allow myself to fully get over someone I know I won’t go back or feel the same again.

Ahni

January 23, 2015 at 5:24 am

Hi,

Sorry this is so long!

My boyfriend and I were crazy for each other, but because we had poor relationship skills things went sour. I was pretty naggy and shut off, which I didnt realize till after the fact.. we started having problems just a few months in to the relationship. Over the next year things escalated, and our fights hardly got resolved, and he started to pull away.

During this time I got him a job with me, and thats when it really got bad. He continued to pull away, and many times would try to break up with me, but it never stuck. After about 3 or even 4 ‘break up’ emails, and conversations it got worse, and each time he tried to pull away but it never truly stuck. He finally pulled away so much that I hardly heard from him anymore. He said that he loved me, but didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, but wanted to separate slowly (which makes no sense to me). Its been 4 months since then, but sometimes he would invite me over, or we would go have dinner, but he maintained that we should just be friends, yet we sometimes would sleep together, and still acted together, and were still committed to each other. On top of it we never announced our breakup because it was just so gradual, which made it seem like we were still together..

Now he wont contact me outside of work, and at work he is polite and distant. I got really needy, and that made him even more frustrated. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said he didn’t want to see anyone, and that he needed to focus on his life and school. I asked him if we were still committed and he said “Sure, why not?” but then said he is only agreeing to that not for me, but because “HE was the one that didn’t want to be with anyone” and that I could do what ever I wanted. I told him I was till committed to him, and would be until we had a talk about it.. I invited him to Thanksgiving and he came to my house where it was just me and him, and it was great.. but as he was leaving he started crying, and told me how sad he was for what happened to us..And actually, every time we were alone together I would try talking to him about it, and he would cry. I was so confused, and he just kept his distance..He got incredibly jealous because about a guy I was chatting with, and cut me off. I heard nothing for Christmas, and then New Years he showed up (with his parents visiting from out of town) to a show I invited him to. We had an amazing time, and he even had his arm around me, and we kissed and danced, then he took me home and we slept together..but then the next day he acted like nothing happened. Was nice, but still distant.

So finally I started to pull away, and now he’s being sweet again. He called me by my pet name, hugs me, and even kisses me on the cheek or forehead when he leaves. I thought that things were getting better, and when he gave me a ride home I leaned in to kiss him and he got weird and shy and said he had to get home. He was still sweet, and hugged me and asked if I was okay..but totally denied my kiss.

It was torturing me so much that I finally I asked him to stop sending mixed signals because I didn’t want to get the wrong idea if he wasn’t interested in me. He said it was hard for him too, but that our relationship was too toxic, then agreed to stop sending mixed signals. But then he didnt.. He kept trying to hug me at work, and flirt a little, and it gave me hope again, So, of course, I got weak and needy again and began texting him, and now he’s angry at me and says he wont change his mind, (which is weird because I never asked him to get back together, I just asked him to stop if he didn’t want me), He wont even look at me at work. I texted him to see how he was doing and no response..

Am I going crazy, or is he actually giving me mixed signals?? I know I need to do No Contact, but its virtually impossible because we work together, and as soon as I pull away he starts to be sweet and open up. Its a total mess.

What do I do? I want him back, and I want to work on my issues to better the relationship, but he says he wants to move on, then doesn’t act like it, and it confuses me!

-A

admin

January 23, 2015 at 4:34 pm

Since you work together you are right, NC is going to be tough.

However, you are going to have to change NC into minimal contact.
Ahni

January 27, 2015 at 6:33 am

Thanks for responding!

I stopped interacting with him at work, and he actually increased his attention, and affection towards me, which drove me crazy, and led me to think that things were progressing. I ended up sitting down with him after a shift (maybe too soon?), and letting him know, gently that it was incredibly confusing, and left me feeling very hopeful. I told him that if he didn’t want to hang out or get to know me again, that I needed him to let me go because it was too much for me.. He told me, in tears that he wanted to move on, and didn’t know if he could see us hanging out anytime soon, because he just didn’t have that answer..He cried a little and said things like “I was so good to you, and you just never listened to me”, and I apologized and told him I understood.

That ended up kind of blowing up in my face, as he showed up to work the next day angry, and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Then a week went by, things calmed down, and work was okay, chatting, but not much. We work in a restaurant, so his parents came in to hang out because were leaving town the next day. He offered me to serve them, and encouraged me to chat with them. Then after our shift we ended up hanging out a bit and spending a little time with his parents, chatting and catching up. This was so meaningful because he is very private about who spends time with his family..

But after they left my coworkers took me aside and let me know that he was seen just a few days before making out with a girl, and also, showed up to a bar with another girl. That was devastating because I thought that him bringing his parents around, and him sitting down and chatting with me was a good sign of progress..but then hearing that made me think otherwise.

I sent him a text telling him I just heard about his nights out with girls and that I thought that things were different, and wished that I had known before spending time with him and his family. I asked if we could exchange our things but of course I got no response back. So, now Im in the process of quitting my job (which I’ve been trying to do for a bit now) and have some shifts covered so i don’t have to work with him. Im going to do my best to do NC, since I know that I havent done that yet..

Is this a sign that I should let go, and move on? Or is he lashing out, and trying to find a quick way to get over me because I confronted him too soon? I keep getting mixed messages, even now, with spending time with family, and I just dont know what to do.

Thanks so much

Jess

January 21, 2015 at 10:03 pm

My ex broke up with me over 4 months ago because I became a pretty insecure and nagging girlfriend. I felt that he was pulling away so in return I pushed harder (big mistake) until he said he wanted space. He ended it. I over reacted again by yelling and screaming at him. It was so out of control that I never thought I would hear from him again. He started to completely ignore me at this point. During the 4 months I texted him about 4 times and he didn’t respond. Finally about 2 weeks ago he randomly texted me first and said he had forgiven me and will always love me and thinks about me everyday. I was so happy but did not show it. Over the next few days I was curious if he would text back so I text him first and he responded each time. Sometimes neutral and other times positively. For the first time yesterday he seemed engaged in the conversation and asked questionS about me too. He has only inniated contact once during these 2 weeks. How should I proceed? Should I continue texting once a day like I have or stop texting to see if he will text me first? Does it even seem like I have a chance? I don’t want to pester him but I don’t want to give too much space that he doesn’t think I care and not apologetic. How do I balance it?

admin

January 22, 2015 at 4:54 pm

Sometimes men do want you to push to show you love them but there are times when pushing too much is a bad things.

How long have you been in NC for so I know where to start here.
Jess

January 23, 2015 at 8:55 am

Update: I tried texting him today like I normally do and he ignored me completely. I found out he has been chatting with someone he just met this week too. Now what?
Jess

January 22, 2015 at 6:39 pm

After the break up we didn’t speak for 4 months. I waited 3 weeks before texting him the first time, no response. Tried again after 2 weeks, and no response. Waited about 2 months and sent him a Happy Bday text and no response. I stopped trying and he texted me first almost 2 weeks after that last text I sent him. We always keep the conversation very casual and do not mention the break up. He seems receptive and polite but takes a while to respond. He has started to ask questions about my life/day but only if I text him first. It’s only been 2 weeks since we’ve been back in contact. Is this normal for me to be initiating all the time? How long should I let this continue before I try a phone conversation or ask to meet up?
Jess

January 22, 2015 at 6:41 pm

Let me clear this up, when I said we didn’t speak for 4 months, he didn’t speak to me. All of my attempts to contact him were during the 4 months time so it’s been about 4 months since the break up. I have a few weeks, then 2 months between each text before he finally reached out to me.
admin

January 23, 2015 at 4:13 pm

OHHHH…

Well, that means he ignored you during that 4 months every time you reached out?
Jess

January 24, 2015 at 2:14 pm

Yes he ignored me each time (a few attempts) that I tried reaching out during those 4 months. He responded to each of my texts this week and even inniated once but he ignored my last test a few days ago and I have not tried again since. What do I do now? Try to reach out to him again in a few days/week?

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