When You Should Stop Trying To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,125 thoughts on “When Should You Stop Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?”

Michelle

January 20, 2015 at 10:00 pm

I have tried sending my story to you in every way possible, but the captcha system on your website keeps telling that it is incorrect when it isn’t, so I am posting my story here and sending it a couple other ways. I need your help!

Kris and I started dating in July of 2013. We had a great relationship for the first couple months, but we were always fighting about him not being attracted to my weight and that he only wanted to try because he thought I was driven to lose weight, but I spent the entire 19 months lyingot him, saying I would change and I never did. By the end of that year, we had met, connected, moved in together and had several fights. He was disgusted by my weight and my unwillingness to change it for the good of the relationship. I was just hoping that he would eventually get over it and made no effort to actually fix things. We spent Christmas and New Years of that year fighting about how he was looking at other women and he said it was because he was no longer attracted to me, but still wanted to make it work because we had everything else in common. We had a couple of physical fights that I started and he never actually he hit me. I messed things up pretty badly, but I thought he had forgiven me.

So, basically after a long 19 months of dating, my ex boyfriend and I, broke up. He broke up with me out of nowhere, saying he was miserable and that he was a shell of a man and that he had spent our whole relationship drunk. He told me he never loved me and that while I didn’t have to move out immediately, he wanted us to split up and there was no way to salvage things. I tried begging and pleading, saying that if I changed everything, maybe he could love me again as not a friend and we could get back what we had. He said there was no way that would happen in a month and his mind was made up about splitting up. So, I moved into the spare bedroom and convinced myself that this would be like every other time we “called it quits” and after a couple days, we would be fine and just sweep the problems under the rug, only this time I actually wanted to make the effort I had not made throughout our relationship. He got drunk the first couple nights after and he would ask me to have sex or he would come and sit in my room and tell me he was sorry for hurting me and the he did love me. I told him he couldn’t do that anymore because it gave me things to read into that weren’t real. He apologized and said that wasn’t fair to me and he would stop. Well, I kept talking to him, we can’t do no contact because we live together, work together and only have one car right now, and I kept telling him that maybe things couldn’t work out now, but maybe in the future when things changed (I have been fixing every single problem we have had on my end) and he hasn’t shot me down so much as he will said maybe or just not reply at all. Monday, I found out that he had been flirting with one of our married coworkers before we even broke up and that they were kind of seeing each other. She apologized to me and said she was confused about what she wanted, that she likes Kris, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to give up her marriage, and that she told Kris not to get his hopes up and to back off a bit. He keeps apologizing, but I don’t know what to do. Am I wasting my time? Are we too far gone for good, even to start over? I want ot buy your book, but I need your opinion on whether or no I actually even have a shot at this. I can answer any questions you have about us, and I seriously need your help. Please, please, please.

admin

January 21, 2015 at 3:07 pm

I would say you have a shot (but everyone really has a shot.)

How exactly did the breakup talk go?
Michelle

January 21, 2015 at 5:06 pm

And now he just told me to stay out of his life…awesome.
Michelle

January 21, 2015 at 4:48 pm

I may be exacerbating this situation.

I find it strange how much you’re talkign to Katie lately
[11:15:31 AM] Michelle Patterson: Why’s that? We talked before.
[11:15:38 AM] That Techy Guy.: Definitely a lot more now
[11:16:04 AM] Michelle Patterson: Nope. Same amount, but considering all that is going on, she and I do have reason to talk.
[11:16:19 AM] That Techy Guy.: I mean
[11:16:26 AM] That Techy Guy.: I don’t see what all there is to say about that
[11:16:30 AM] That Techy Guy.: besides what it is
[11:16:39 AM] That Techy Guy.: its your business
[11:16:46 AM] That Techy Guy.: I just find it strange
[11:17:28 AM] Michelle Patterson: She isn’t the only one I am talking to, either. I talk to Priscilla, I talk to Chasity and I talk to Margie.
[11:17:36 AM] That Techy Guy.: Okay
[11:17:38 AM] That Techy Guy.: not my business
[11:18:44 AM] Michelle Patterson: It obviously bothers you because you keep bringing it up. I mean, you broke up with me, you made the move on her. You basically brought this upon yourself, but she and I can still be friends. I have let you go. I have let our relationship go. I’m not going to hate you both and be miserable because I am not that kind of person. I can mvoe past what has happened and be friends.
[11:19:42 AM] That Techy Guy.: Okay
[11:19:45 AM] That Techy Guy.: fair enough
[11:21:23 AM] Michelle Patterson: I told you I was changing as a person and I know you have noticed that I am actually doing it. Is it bothering you?
[11:21:51 AM] That Techy Guy.: Is you changing as a person bothering me? No not in the slightest
[11:28:37 AM] Michelle Patterson: It seems like it is. You don’t like talking about me moving out, you basically ignore anything I say about it, you have little Freudian slips when you start drinking around me, you are allowed to be all flirty with Katie in front of me, but I can’t even talk to a friend of mine who is helping me get through this without saying something. You tell me that you care and you want to be my friend and you’ve even said that there is maybe a chance in the future we could start over, you tell me you still love me and that there was obviously something between us before that kept us together for so long. It seems like you don’t know what you want. It seems like part of you wants us to see how I progress to see if we can figure our shit out, but then the other part of you doesn’t and just wants to see what else there is out there.
[11:28:55 AM] Michelle Patterson: I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just trying to be open.
[11:29:54 AM] That Techy Guy.: What does any of that have to do with me ot caring about you changing?
[11:30:13 AM] That Techy Guy.: when have I made a slip?
[11:30:23 AM] That Techy Guy.: I don’t care that you talk to guys
[11:30:30 AM] That Techy Guy.: I just don’t like when you broadcast it
[11:32:50 AM] That Techy Guy.: I don’t think I’m flirty with Katie around you
[11:32:59 AM] That Techy Guy.: its not different than what i do with anyone here
[11:34:28 AM] Michelle Patterson: It just seems like it bothers you. It seems like seeing me actually fix the problems we had is a bother because it’s like why didn’t I change it before. Seems like you’re wondering if it would work with us if I changed for good. You many not think it’s different, but it is. You have said that you still love me and that this is hard for you because you wanted it to work (of course, you said it while you were drinking), but even you said that people tend to mean the things they say when intoxicated.
[11:35:16 AM] That Techy Guy.: you still won’t accept it
[11:35:26 AM] Michelle Patterson: I have accepted it.
[11:35:40 AM] Michelle Patterson: It seems like it’s you who hasn’t yet.
[11:35:53 AM] Michelle Patterson: I’m doing fine.
[11:37:22 AM] That Techy Guy.: god you are delusional
[11:37:35 AM] Michelle Patterson: Look, I’m not trying to be pushy, I’m letting you know how your actions are coming off.
[11:38:02 AM] Michelle Patterson: There is no need to be insulting, I’m not attacking you.
[11:38:48 AM] Michelle Patterson: I think it’s best you go by yourself on Saturday.
[11:39:48 AM] That Techy Guy.: the signs you’re seeing from me is exactly what happens in the begining of a break up
[11:39:55 AM] That Techy Guy.: of course I care, but I’m not in love with you.
[11:40:08 AM] Michelle Patterson: I am well aware of that, and I don’t think you are.
[11:40:53 AM] That Techy Guy.: If you think it’s best for me to do it myself Saturday
[11:41:06 AM] That Techy Guy.: I think it’s best you just get your own car and do it yourself and move out
[11:41:15 AM] Michelle Patterson: Seriously?
[11:41:28 AM] Michelle Patterson: Fine, I’ll go.
[11:41:33 AM] That Techy Guy.: Oh
[11:41:38 AM] That Techy Guy.: now because its something you need
[11:41:50 AM] That Techy Guy.: but why is it best for me to do it myself saturday?
[11:41:52 AM] Michelle Patterson: No, it’s because that was basically a cheap shot.
[11:42:02 AM] Michelle Patterson: What is your problem?
[11:42:11 AM] That Techy Guy.: Why is it best for me to do it myself Saturday
[11:42:13 AM] That Techy Guy.: please explain
[11:42:23 AM] Michelle Patterson: I’m trying to give you space and time and distance and everything you freaking asked of me and suddenly it’s a problem.
[11:42:36 AM] Michelle Patterson: Because, apparently, I’m delusional.
[11:42:49 AM] That Techy Guy.: Its over 40 computers
[11:42:59 AM] Michelle Patterson: Fine, I will go.
[11:43:04 AM] That Techy Guy.: nah its fine
[11:43:08 AM] Michelle Patterson: I will go.
[11:43:29 AM] Michelle Patterson: That way it doesn’t have to be an all-day ordeal.
[11:44:05 AM] Michelle Patterson: Seriously, why are we arguing over this? I started this off with simply trying to talk.
[11:44:35 AM] That Techy Guy.: I’m not arguing

Am I just making things worse? Should I stop? This doesn’t seem too promising for the future…this is all just so hard.
admin

January 22, 2015 at 3:50 pm

Yes, you are making things worse. You should’nt be arguing with him but working to have nice and pleasant conversations. Go into NC again to kind of hit the reset button.
Michelle

January 22, 2015 at 4:38 pm

Yeah, I did not put forth the effort I should have, but I am absolutely willing to. He just says it’s too late. We did have a plesant talk at home last night where he commented that he could tell I was losing weight. And I noticed he still has a heart by my name in his phone.
Michelle

January 23, 2015 at 11:43 am

We had another great time last night where we just talked for a while, then we went upstairs and listened to music like we used to. He, also, did his old thing where if I bend over to grab something out of the fridge, he smacks my butt. He did that a few times. He commented again that I was losing weight, asking if my chest had gotten smaller. He started parading around in his underpants just like he used to as well. Oh, and one last thing was Wednesday night, I got a little drunk and I was so proud of how much weight I have lost in the last 12 days (15 pounds), that I went into his room, half-naked, and threw myself onto his bed to give him a hug. He was awake and gave me a hug. Yesterday, I apologized for it and he told me no apology necessary and that I should have done it in better light and when he wasn’t half-asleep, so he could see better.

He is the most confusing person on the planet. Is this all good signs or should I just chalk this up to we have history and he is just being a guy?
Michelle

January 21, 2015 at 3:37 pm

Basically he came out of nowhere and told me he wasn’t happy, he was a shell of a man, that he never loved me and he couldn’t do this anymore. He said that our connection has disappeared, we no longer talked about things that mattered (we only really talked about work and what we were having for dinner or other mundane stuff like that), we had just lost everything. The physical aspect had pretty much always been gone, so the rest just kind of followed. He said that he wanted to be alone and needed space and time to work on himself. He told me that he had been drinking so much throughout our relationship because that was how he could handle it.
admin

January 22, 2015 at 3:45 pm

Now, do you think you could have been better at the upkeep of the relationship or do you think he just kind of slacked off?
Michelle

January 21, 2015 at 1:07 am

Also, to add to the story, we talked tonight and he says that when he kissed the married girl, he felt something that he had been forcing with me for a long time. When I brought up the whole future situation, he said he didn’t want me to get my hopes up about us trying again, but he wasn’t going to say that it couldn’t happen. Then he asked me for a hug and I gave it to him. He hugged me tight and held on for a while, but I am probably just reading into that. I am trying to be strong here, but I need to know what to do.
Michelle

January 21, 2015 at 3:11 am

I know, our relationship seems toxic, it seems like we should just call it quits and maybe we don’t fit together perfectly, but we loved each other deeply at one point…

Doamn60

January 19, 2015 at 5:56 pm

Hi Chris!
I am new to your site and I have found some valuable information. I would really like your input on my current situation and I am just hoping to have clarity to where I know the decisions I am making is what’s best.

My ex and I were friends for four years before we started dating. During the course of our friendship we had some bumps I the road because he is extremely selfish so I really don’t know why I agreed to take things to the next level but I did. Once we started dating out relationship began to deteriorate. He is currently a fighter and he explained to me when he is getting ready for his matches he needs to be in a dark place so we can’t have much contact. So when his camp started he was still around for the first 4 days and then boom he just disappeared. I didn’t hear from him for three days. So I sent him a text saying I hope he was ok and if he was feeling a certain way about us then I would like to talk about it so we can get on the same page. He dumped me a couple of days later because I was questioning him. I took it pretty hard, I started to distance myself and we tried again. One night we got into an argument because I told him I didn’t feel valued in our relationship. He said he was done and I took it he was done arguing with me. From then on things got worse. He would continuously ignore me for days at a time. I currently compete in pageants and he would not show up to any of my speaking events to come support me. He always made fun of me throughout our relationship and would say pageants are stupid. I would invite him and he would say he would come and never show up. So after his fight I addressed the issues. He then informed me he had dumped me a long time ago and he didn’t want to be with me now or ever. Mind you during this time I thought we were still together and he still continued to sleep with me and use my car when he didn’t have one. Like the idiot I am I begged and pleaded and texted all the time. One night he randomly texted me he was sorry and I refused to accept it because I am worth so much more than the apology that he attempted to give me. He still didn’t care. The last time I heard from him was on my birthday which was almost a month ago. He told me happy birthday and I was polite and said thank you. We have not talked and we have mutual friends most of which are not supportive. But I found out he currently had a girl slept over. I was really sad. I am still currently crying about it. I am struggling because he hurt me so bad and I am the one picking up the pieces and he could care less. I seriously fell in love with a narcissist.

So I read your article how to get over your ex and I know I want to do the option where he is gone forever but I find myself holding on to this false hope that we will get back together someday. I know I do not want to be friends with him because I have given him so much of myself and he treated me so poorly. I can’t give him anymore. So I guess I am just needed a slap back into reality. I just want to know what is your opinion for this situation and what do you feel is the best course of action.

Thanks

admin

January 20, 2015 at 3:34 pm

Ok, let me make this really easy for you.

I am going to give you the marriage test.

Be honest with yourself ok.

Do you realistically think you can spend the rest of your life with this man? Do you think if you two got back together there would be no breakups, no fights and the two of you will have a fairy tale happy ending.
If you don’t realistically have that hope then move on. If you do then work to try to make it happen.

AC

January 11, 2015 at 4:22 pm

He said that right now he just needs to be left alone. That much I understand. What I can’t understand is why he won’t tell me that he doesn’t want me anymore. That makes it seem like he still wants me BUT his actions say that he doesn’t want me. I’ve just been asking for closure basically so it’ll be easier to move on. It’s just hard to forget him and us when he refuses to tell me that his feelings for me are gone. And he said that things will eventually get better with time, I understand that as well. But idk. If he wants just a friendship then he needs to tell me that he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore, right? Otherwise it just kind of seems like false hope.

Why won’t he tell me that he doesn’t want me anymore?? And if he does still want me, why does he want to be left alone?

admin

January 19, 2015 at 3:33 pm

How long have you been in NC for?

Have you tried it yet?

Sarah

December 12, 2014 at 3:20 am

Hi Chris! I have a question that you have probably answered a million times. I’ve even scrolled through your guides and responses to comments just to see if this has been brought up. Unfortunately there are way too many responses for me to go through to find this answer I crave.

What if your ex knows about ex boyfriend recovery? He knows all the tricks and is two steps ahead. Btw I’ve already completed 90 days of NC. But every text I send gets no response. And I’m not a text gnat. He already knows the game. So how can I go further without changing the rules?

admin

December 15, 2014 at 5:32 am

This is going to sound really weird but it would still work.

It gives him a bit of an advantage but the truth is that if you are effective in how you apply this stuff it can have quite the affect on someone even if they know its coming.

Don’t undersestimate the power of silence.
SnowWhite

December 20, 2014 at 10:36 pm

yes ! same here,,my ex new that I was doing NC on him! after 30 days I sent him a text and no response,, a week later another text and no response! I am sure he is doing NC on me and I know that he is waiting for more .. but I wont give him that pleasure… he will have to reach out to me (maybe when his NC period ends ! after nearly 2 month on no contact I can only wait..I am patient, I will wait and see what will happen..
Thanks Chris

ShevyNova

December 2, 2014 at 2:55 am

Hi Chris!
Great advice… my dilema is awkward… as if no one else’s is lol
I have a baby with a man and we never had a close relationship. We were hook up friends 😮
He is involved in her life. regular visits yadayada. I tried to make a relationship happen between us and he refused. Laughed in my face and said “having a baby doesn’t change anything”… but we have not slept together since concieving her so that changed… anyhow, because of him wanting to be involved in her life, I assumed we would eventually make it work. He strung me along for many months and eventually said we would never be together… so I assume that means I should throw in the towel but I get mixed signals… once when I talked about us moving to be with my family, he assumed I had some guy waiting for me (jealous?) We have a lot of negative exchanges because he gets mad over the custody court stuff. takes it out on me… but sometimes there are nice moments. sometimes I want to shoot him in the face and I know he feels the same and sometimes we are so nice to each other- it confuses me. Thanksgiving ended up being a really nice night for us. we hugged (once initiated by me and the other by him) and talked and I felt stupid love for him because he was being so kind. I feel like I am mostly fooling myself but I wonder if there is something I can do to ensure that we are done… it’s hard to feel confident in the end of something that never had a beginning. I am considering entering into a fake relationship to see if he might feel jealous… I don’t know. I feel desperate which I know he thinks I am but he doesn’t see my reasons behing giving us a try… we have a fricken baby together. What kind of dad wants to be a dad but doesn’t want to be a family? Anyway, I am not sure about this but I feel I have to try because it could be great… or it could suck lol
Hoping you have some advice… or just a “sorry your dilema sucks!” lol
Thanks!

admin

December 2, 2014 at 3:00 pm

What is his reasoning for not wanting to be with you?
ShevyNova

December 2, 2014 at 6:25 pm

I honestly have no clue! He has never given me a reason. I have tried to get one out of him but I never got a response. I even let him know i was dating and asked him what i did wrong with us so i could work on not making the same mistake. Still no response. Maybe me wanting him turns him off. I really don’t get it. I don’t have a problem moving on except that I hate the idea of throwing away what could be right. I was talking marriage with someone a few months back but was never in love with the guy. Baby daddy never knew about it. Never let him know. Not sure why. I guess I was afraid of what he would think or think I was doing it on purpose to make him jealous. He seems weird like that lol. I don’t have family where we live so the only thing keeping us here is him for her. I am trying to make a life (with someone and family) for myself out here so I can stay but the man pool is crap lol. I suppose I shld let go of baby daddy and find someone else but I have that weird feeling that if I do that, he will realize what he is missing out on and then I’ll be in a dilemma. Kinda why I wanna give the fake relationship a shot so we might have that chance. Even writing this, I feel like a desperate sap lol
ShevyNova

December 3, 2014 at 5:56 am

We are still exchanging in a friendly way. I’m keeping my text responses as minimal as I can. It’s so tricky. We will be in his area in Thursday and I’m tempted to let him know but afraid he’ll smell the desperation or reject meeting. Meh! Lol

Ana

December 1, 2014 at 8:12 pm

Hello Chris,
My boyfriend of 5 years just ended our relationship 2 days ago. The break up it self was very sad. We cried together, and I (unfortunately) begged him to stay. He said that he loved me very much and that I was his best friend. He said he needed to do this because he doesn’t know who he is. And the past few months have been rocky. We had been fighting more than we usually did. We are high school sweethearts. He said he was afraid that he was making a mistake and breaking my heart for no reason. He doesn’t know how he can be positive that he should marry me if he hasn’t been alone and hasn’t really been around other women. He wants to make sure that if he makes a commitment that it’s the right one. I asked him if he thinks we can and could make it, he said he was unsure, but that he was sure it could happen. I haven’t made any contact with him, even though I desperatly want to. I’m going to try to wait till our semester is over or for him to contact me. He is the love of my life. I am determined to get him back. I am also determined to work on myself so that he never again has to doubt us. I just need to hear that I’m not crazy, and that its okay for me to keep going.

admin

December 2, 2014 at 2:48 pm

Have you attempted NC yet?
Ana

December 4, 2014 at 5:41 pm

I also want to let you know that 3 years ago we separated and I did no contact successfully. We separated for different reasons then that we resolved.
Ana

December 4, 2014 at 5:45 am

I will be attempting to keep NC for the next couple of weeks so that our semester is over
Ana

December 3, 2014 at 5:55 am

I have no had any contact with him since the break up on 11/29

fc

December 1, 2014 at 5:33 pm

Hi Chris…thanks for your response, actually the fb invite was sent before i started NC…..should i cancel it then? I had not started the NC at that point. I only sent it when i apologized to him and he agreed to talk to me..then he didn’t even pick up thephone to talk to me.

Should i cancel the fb invite at this point?

admin

December 2, 2014 at 2:31 pm

No dont cancel it. Just ignore it at this point.
fc

December 1, 2014 at 6:56 pm

I actually ended up cancelling the request as you said may be too premature. I anticipated he would have accepted after i apologized to him. However, i have now cancelled it. I wasn’t sure if cancelling it constituted breaking NC. I also found it stressful to see if he had accepted it.

If he wants to contact me, ball is in his court.

So NC continues!

fc

December 1, 2014 at 11:47 am

Hi I love all your advice and congrats on your wedding!!

I started NC about 4 days ago. Things came to a head when this fellow i was chatting with and me were trying to make plans to meet for the first time over coffee, never happened. He cancelled a few hours before and then said he would try to meet up the following weekend. Well thru a silly mishap with texting, (i had minor surgery), i was a bit miffed he didn’t text me wishing me luck with my surgery but turns out i was having issues with my phone not being charged, and he had texted me but i hadn’t replied, so he ended up getting concerned. Long story short, i was upset to his lack of trying to reshedule our meetup and he never apologized. He just said he got involved in his work and never rescheduled. (I should mention he is separated from a 30 year marriage which i know was extrememly emotional and upsetting for him. His wife left him for another man,he told me he is ready to date at all…so i tried just being friends with himm and seeing where things went)…..I unfriended him on fb and this is what got him very upset and said i hurt him. I tried to apologize saying it was just a silly mmisunderstanding and acknowledged i should have called him but all along i’m thinking he isn’t taking repsonsiblity for his part in this. I had sent him a new fb invite to make amends and get back to where we were before this all happened. He has not replied to the fb invitation. The invitation was sent BEFORE the NC…
My question is, do i withdraw/cancel the invitation or can this be deemed as ‘MAKING CONTACT’???? Please let me know if in your opinion this is worth pursuing?

Thank you and LOVE all your advice!

admin

December 1, 2014 at 3:47 pm

You can make contact with that I suppose.

But it might be moving too fast.
fc

December 2, 2014 at 2:12 am

yes i have cancelled the invite. i was concerned that cancelling it would mean i broke the NC…
admin

December 2, 2014 at 2:59 pm

No its not breaking NC. Its ok I guess that you canceled the invite but not what I would recommend but not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
fc

December 2, 2014 at 3:26 pm

Thank you Chris…just curious, why would you think I shouldn’t have cancelled it? I found it was causing me some stress every day checking to see if he accepted my invite. So i guess in a way i did it for me also. Also, i think as you said, it may have been premature to try to refriend him, as he hasn’t indicated that he has accepted my apology. If my invite was there constantly, wouldn’t it be a signal to him also that I am there waiting for him?

So that was basically the reasoning behind the ‘cancelling the invite’.

Interested in your thoughts as you do look at things quite logically.
admin

December 3, 2014 at 4:38 pm

Bc its a clear giveaway that you are still thinking about it to him.

Though I will admit its not the biggest deal in the world.
fc

December 3, 2014 at 5:30 pm

Ok i see your point, and perhaps it could be a setback to the NC. But i figured it screamed desperation like that pic you have of the gal with big eyes waiting for a response lol…(you have a hilarious sense of humour by the way)! I think now, i will start with a clean slate and really institute NC…as you said, no sort of msgs on fb, friend invites, texting in essence as you said, disappear!…going to order your guide as i want to read all the nitty gritty LOL. Thanks!
admin

December 4, 2014 at 2:01 am

Hahaha thanks.

I sometimes worry about my humor being taken the wrong way but I think it adds some relief to a pretty depressing situation.

Keep me updated ok!
fc

December 3, 2014 at 7:27 pm

Hey Chris…since my last update, guess what? He has now sent ME a facebook invite…so what gives??? Again i am in Day 6 NC and will not reply back and leave it hanging…do you agree? Maybe this is a new scenario you can write about?? Sort of like dangling the carrot and then taking away???

I find this so bizarre? Can you explain?

Niki

November 3, 2014 at 4:23 pm

Dear Chris,

my boyfriend broke up with me after 5 years of a relationship. He is from a different country, but he lived with me for over a year. We did argue a lot and to be honest I did say many things that could hurt him.
The break up was also not ideal. I cried, begged him to rethink the decision. He hugged me, but also even cried sometimes (it took a while over a day), but after a while packed his suitcases and left to another country to stay with his family. Haven’t seen him ever since (4 weeks now).
We are in touch from time to time (he still needs to move out of my flat, he has quite a few things here). When we talk (twice or three time during last 4 weeks) he is typically full of emotions, angry at me (which is not typical for him at all).
He does want to stay in touch, he asked for it.
However, 2 weeks after the break up he wrote me that his decision is super final and that he does not want to discuss it as he does not want to recall the moments when he was full of hate towards me and he only wants to remember the good moments we had.
He removed the relationship status from facebook, but asked me not to remove any pictures as these are our memories.

Do you think there is a chance to win him back?
If so, what do I do?
We need to stay in some sort of connection as we need to agree when he is coming over to pick up his things (this is 9h drive). He already rented a flat in a city far, far away in his country.

Best,
Niki

admin

November 20, 2014 at 2:44 pm

Hi Nikki,

Sorry for the late response. I just got married and was on my honeymoon hence the late response.

I definitely think you have a chance. The distance is really tough though. It depends on his view of LDR’s really.

b.

October 31, 2014 at 10:11 pm

What if he did say I Don’t Want You, and he did mean it? But that he also suggested that you shouldn’t talk to each other for 6 months so that you both could get over eachother. Basically there was no fight in the breakup nothing, we just woke up one day and he decided to breakup?

b.

November 1, 2014 at 12:30 am

And to clarify this 6 month discussion happened after the NC period, the relationship was a long distance one, and it lasted for 2 years.

Laura

October 27, 2014 at 11:15 am

Hi Chris, I need your advice on this.
I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago. The thing is that some months ago I started to fell that he was not interested on me anymore (as you mention in your post How to prevent a break up when it’s coming, I was felling all the sings). This caused us serious problems, like fights and then long talks about trying to get better. At first he told me he wasn´t sure about the relationship (he said he couldn’t see me in his future and didn’t want to lose my time), we talked and decided not to separate, but trying harder. At this time we had a very good month, he was more connected with me and He also told me that we were having our best times. We were even talking about going on holidays together next year. However two months ago I found in his cell phone that he was telling a friend he was still doubtful about the relationship, and that he was felling the need of being with other girls (In fact, I learnt that he was reading a book about seduction with tips for attracting women and how to become an Alfa).
At this point we talked, He said he hadn’t cheated on me but he was confused and he didn’t know what he wanted. We went through weeks of coming and going, ups and downs. I told him that I wanted him back for good and at first he said he wanted to be with me, but every time I asked if he was sure about that decision he started to doubt. A month ago he wrote to me saying that he was sure, that he wanted to be with me and to make everything necessary to get me back. However, two days later he broke up with me. He said he loved me but he still didn’t know what he wanted and he didn’t wanted to play with my feelings. The day after that I was so depressed that I asked him to stay together, so we decided to see each other at least for one month more just to see what happens. This was the worst month. He was cold as a rock, had no communication and didn’t show any interest on me. I realized that he didn’t have feelings for me anymore, so a week ago I broke up with him. I told him that I loved him but wasn’t happy in the relation because I felt he didn’t love me anymore. He didn’t try to stop me, in fact he said he loved me but he wasn’t felling “in love” with me. And I asked him to let me know if he ever changed his mind.
To sum up, in this last months he told to me he wasn’t sure about us, he wanted to be with other girls, then he wanted to come back to me, then he broke up with me, then he agreed to see each other, and finally, as he was behaving so distant, I broke up with him (and I felt he wanted me to do that).
After the break up I started a no contact rule.
He hasn’t contact me in the first week, and yesterday I leant that after breaking up he started to contact girls from his past, and he is chasing a girl on facebook too. I also learnt that he contacted a girl he had met in his past and is going to travel to brasil to meet with her. He also told his friends that he was sad about us but love was dead.
This is terribly heartbreaking, do you think it’s over? Should I still try the no contact rule and then talked to him? he is not contacting me, and my No contact rule will finish while he is in Brasil (in three weeks). Should I wait he comes back? should I talked to him before he leaves? or Should I realized he won’t come back to me?
I would love to hear your advice.
Tabitha

September 18, 2014 at 10:48 pm

Hi Chris,
I broke up with my ex almost 2 months ago. He said he didn’t want a relationship with anyone due to needing to sort his issues out- he is in therapy. It came out of the blue, and I really cared for him. He said he wanted to be friends, but I said no. I went total no contact straight away and lasted 6 weeks. Then last week I texted him a light hearted text and he responded. We exchanged few catch up texts and then the next day I said if he wanted to ever meet up for a friendly drink I would like it. He said ok, and that he would call me next week when he wasn’t so busy. It’s now the end of ‘next week’ (7 days since last contact) and no call or text. What do I do?
Do I give up? I still care for him.
Thanks
Tabitha

admin

September 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm

May I ask how old he is?
Tabitha

September 29, 2014 at 7:50 pm

He is 37, as am I. We have some more text contact since then – on and off, and he again brought up meeting. Then last week ago he texted me to apologise for not getting in touch but he was away at the weekend. He said he would get in touch this week about meeting up. I haven’t put any pressure on and the texts are lighthearted. I really don’t know if he is just being polite! But surely he wouldn’t mention meeting again if he wasn’t interested? That was last thursday – there has been no contact on either side since.

bea

September 15, 2014 at 7:40 pm

Hi,
(I tried to post before but I’m having problems with the captcha).
Brad…I’m losing all hope.
I read somewhere: “if he said he doesn’t love you, than he won’t come back”. Here I am 2.5 months later with no ex-back:

We lived together for 12 years and he always loved me a lot. Then one day he began treating me with ice and distance everyday for a week (It was sad and humiliating) until I said “enough, let’s break up, you’re clearly not in love with me anymore”. He agreed he wasn’t. So, I moved out. We saw each other a couple of times (moving out).

Well, 3 weeks after the BU he met a girl and felt in love with her (a crush he said). She’s came from another country and stayed in our house for a few days. they went together on a trip (where we were going for vacations). Then she left but they kept in contact. They posted pictures on facebook showing how much fun they were having. Her name was all over his timeline! She even posted public pictures of him and her…

I freaked out. I told him that was really disrespectful! They did it in our bed! Went on our vacations! With our friends! He denied at first, then admitted he had a crush but nothing happened (sure…his best friend told me it did happen) because she was still into her ex. After the fight/talk he began hiding a lot of posts on fb and going offline to me. But I could see his activity. He was pursuing her obsessively, liking and sharing everything she liked and shared, pretending to share her interests. Even things he always criticized and laugh about.

Suddenly he began reposting pictures of our “honeymoon” trip…to seduce her (I assume they were planning going on a trip…there). I freaked out good! I sent him an email saying that was really hurtful. He was stealing the last thing that lasted from our love: our memories, our moments together. I said I wasn’t so sure anymore they met after our BU. He denied everything but sent me proves of when they met. I apologized, but I was still waiting for explanations and respect since 12 years and being the one who lost everything deserve more than just a “goodbye. no questions asked”.

He replied saying he was sorry, all he could say was love was gone, he still has feelings, of course, I’m part of who is, changed him, he lost his best friend ever, but wasn’t in love and wished someday we could be friends and keep being part of each others life, the relationship we had was over and we had to learn a new way to be together, so we need time/space apart. I answered, few days later, accepting the break up, the time/space apart, agreed the relationship we had was over and we need to learn how to be together in a healthier way, that we lost our own selves and therefore drifted apart, and I’d like us to be friends/part of each others life as well.
Almost a week later he contacted me to give me a little gift (nothing bought). I accepted. Then I went officially in NC. It’s been almost 2 weeks and he didn’t contacted me. I’ve been going out with other guys and friends (that’s when I knew how much he’s the rig person for me), posting some positive things on fb, improving myself. And now he even seems to be hiding himself again. At a certain time he posted depressive things that made me think the girl may have said or done something that made him back off a little.
Is it too late? Can I ever make him love me again?
thank you.

admin

September 16, 2014 at 3:17 pm

No problem at all this time…

Thought my name is not Brad.

2 weeks of NC is solid. Keep it up. Making him fall for you again isn’t going to be a fast process. it is porbably going to take work and a lot of commitment.
bea

September 16, 2014 at 5:43 pm

I know, I’m so so so sorry, CHRIS…and thank you so much. I have 2 more questions:
1. about facebook: Should I ignore all his posts? Some of them really make me laugh. By not liking or commenting doesn’t it look like I’m giving him a “silent treatment” instead? And if so…isn’t that bad? Same as being online and not chatting (it’s true he’s doing the same, but he’s the dumper).
I decided not to go online at all until NC ends. Just a positive post here and there, but I’m afraid he might forget me even faster. (I know many people fear this too)
2. His birthday’s coming soon, before my 30 days NC. I know many people asked you this too: but can I send him a short message on facebook or something?

He still has some stuff to return to me. We were supposed to meet, but then we exchanged those emails. Is he stalling, waiting for a better time (why?), waiting for me to say something or just forgot about it?

OH I am committed! But I need to know if the chances are good and if this really works.
thank you again CHRIS 😉
admin

September 17, 2014 at 4:14 pm

Pretty much ignore all his posts.
Nope no wishing a happy birthday.
bea

September 24, 2014 at 1:36 am

well…he did contacted me. to return some mail and the rest of my stuff. I said I was busy. (I’ve posted it in “how to handle every situation…”) ok, so he could be worried that I needed the mail, but “wanting to return stuff” isn’t a sign he’s moved on and won’t come back?
I’ve been crying so much with the thought he will not come back. factor 1) he’s pursuing a girl (emotionally unavailable for us) and I’m afraid he’s getting what he wants – after a period he stopped pursuing her and posted depressive things but now she “joined” an event he invited her to go next summer and since then he started to post about love and again disappeared from fb but not from chat, so I guess he’s talking to her all day. 2) he said he doesn’t love me anymore when we broke up, and again when he explained his reasons by email 3) he’s returning my stuff.
what shall I do? he’s not coming back is he? 12 years just died like this. Without a 2nd chance. Without looking back. with distance as if we never met. ignoring each other all day for 3 months. I’m so sad :'(
Did you ever see a couple in a similar situation get back together?

Kirby

September 4, 2014 at 1:39 pm

Hi Chris,
Me and my ex started dating back at the start of October 2013. About About 2 weeks ago be broke off the relationship, a few days before hand we were having silly useless arguments which i thought was the reason for him ending things. He reassured me that our argument was not the reason for him ending things and it was nothing i did and he still cares about, but that he just can’t be in a relationship right now and doesn’t feel comfortable telling me or anyone why! oh and that he still wants me as a friend! Of course me being an emotional wreck, i was constantly going through all the things that could have been factors of why he would want to end things like, he doesn’t care, love or want me anymore, what did i do wrong and its all my fault etc (even though he said that is is not why, it still was questionable in my mind). I tried to get him to tell me why because i honestly thought he was saying i can’t being the simplest reason and easiest reason to end things. He wouldn’t tell me. i agreed to be friends in the end because i loved him and cared so much for him that i didn’t want him out of my life. i gave him his space for a few days almost a week and decided to message him just to chat. it was great and he kept replying but it felt forced and seemed like i was the one doing the all the talking, but i liked it because he was responding :). He comes the really bad part….Yikes. So we only talked for that one day for about 3 hours. I didn’t talk to him for another 2 or so days. I wasn’t to fond on being just friends so i asked him if we could try another our relationship again because i felt like we weren’t done and i wanted him to return so badly. Of course he said no he just can’t. Then things got a little heated not screaming or yelling, just him being little angry and pissed, i told him that i can’t get over this relationship until he gives me a reason to stop trying because i just can’t isn’t enough. I pushed him too far, evidently he did tell me why. He said that he just wants to be single, not tied down in a relationship and wants to be alone for a few years( yes he stated how long. Is that a bad sign?) He also told me that he doesn’t see being with me for the rest of his life and that our relationship can last longer but we are just wasting our time. He said he was never meant for relationships never could so he doesn’t want to. Oh but again he still wants to be my friend.I just left it and said okay. I haven’t spoken to him since. I have been friend-zoned by someone who is scared of commitment! Is there anyway hope for me to even attempt to get him back? or have i lost a partner whom i love and gained a friend? and if i do the no contact rule for 30 days will he forget about me even as a friend? Thanks and sorry for the novel 🙁

admin

September 5, 2014 at 11:58 am

No way. He definitely won’t forget about you if you do NC.

aba.heartbroken

August 25, 2014 at 1:06 pm

Sorry. We were together for 2 years and half. We are both 26 years old.
aba.heartbroken

August 25, 2014 at 1:00 pm

Hi. I just broke up with my boyfriend (A). Sorry about my english but i’m from Europe. We were in the same class in high school and we were best friends. When the high scholl was ending, he told he loved me. But i said that ia could see him only as a friend. We were 18 years old in that time. Than we didn’t speak for a year. After that we became friends again and in some ways he showed he still liked me. But i started a relationship with another boy, and he became very sad. Didn’t talk to me for 2 years. I broke up with that boy forever. Than, it was kinda fate that united us again(me and A). We started communicating, and finally we started a relationshpi together. I fall in love with him, we were happy, but used to fight for small tgings sometimes. Than, 4 months ago he went to USA, and we continued our relationshpi in long distance. I know he loves me, he admitted it.
We had a fight 2 weaks ago, and decided to break up. But he said we should think for 2 weaks and no contact during this time. Today he told me that we shoul break up, because he doesn’t know how long he will stay in USA, Because we aren’t made for each other etc. Also asked me to block in fb and to change my password, because he don’t want to open it when he might feel sad. He told me to continue my life wuthout him. He told me that i am the biggest love of his life, and he will never find someone like me, but we have to break up because we arent made for each other. What should i do? He said he will never talk to me again. He is very stressed there because he didn’t find a job yet. But he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. Plase help me. I feel very very bad. :'(

admin

August 26, 2014 at 12:44 pm

I doubt he will hold true to his word of never talking to you again. Definitely give NC a try.
aba.heartbroken

August 29, 2014 at 12:49 am

Thanks for the reply. I haven’t contacted to him, but he hasn’t deleted me from fb, skype and all the other media. Should i delete him? Can a man forget the love of his life (he told this), he used to love me since high school, he had other relationships, but very short ones, we are 26 years old both now. He said he wants to stay alone, he will be better alone, with no girlfriend, he said i used to stress him and complicate his life. He wants to be alone and never see me again. I hurts so much.
admin

August 29, 2014 at 12:12 pm

No I wouldn’t.

Confused

August 6, 2014 at 4:03 pm

I have read all your guides & have done NC & done your priming techniques and have gotten positive responses which lead to him calling me, but when we spoke on the phone he said that he doesn’t think that us talking again is a good idea because he doesn’t want to lead me on or give me false hope. I told him he doesn’t have to worry about that. We talked for a little bit & then I said I had to go & we haven’t spoken since then (a few days ago). I am not sure what to do. What do you do when an ex says he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to talk because he doesn’t want to give false hope? Should I give up?

admin

August 11, 2014 at 10:52 am

Only if you want to but I would give him his wish for about a week.

Michelle

August 5, 2014 at 12:10 am

Hi Chris,
I’m not sure what I should do and I could really use your opinion, especially that you seem to know what’s going on in a guys head. 😛
My story goes like this. My ex and I were very happy together for a couple months. But then it turned into a long distance and he soon realized that he didn’t have the time for me to sustain it. We did talk about plans to move closer but all of a sudden, it was a crazy idea because we didn’t know each other long enough. So I became a little needy and bitchy and eventually pushed him away. The day he broke up with me, I immediately started no contact in hopes I would move on. But it’s been like 8 months and I’m still hanging on. We did have some friendly conversations after about a month of no contact but I didn’t push it, maybe a little note once or twice per month.
When I moved closer because of some career choices and yes, he was part of the reason, he found out and started texting me once in a while, bringing back some old memories, flirting, and saying if I ever needed someone, he’d be there for me. This happened during my moving process so I couldn’t hang out with him yet. This was 5 months after the break up.

Then when I finally settled in, it all stopped. I’d be the one to initiate contact (weekly or so) and when I finally asked to hang out, he ‘needed to check his schedule’. Me, being the courteous one, let him have the time to check his schedule but he never got back to me. A month or so later I texted again and he said he’d been waiting for me to text him. We got back to talking, maybe weekly, but very friendly messages. We’d be flirty once in a while but not often enough. And I’d always initiate the contact. Once, he initiated, and invited me over very last minute. I was out of town so I had to say no but I feel like if he has one of those last minute desperate calls again, I’d say yes and not miss my chance to get to see him, or rather for him to see me ;). He asked me if I found someone special and although I have been dating, I said no (Cuz technically they weren’t very special) . I’ve been living closer to him for 3 months now and still haven’t gotten him to hang out. I asked him again to catch up and he said he can work on making that happen… I’m keeping the contact steady but it’s been so long that I’m just thinking to give up. He hasn’t shown signs that he doesn’t want me but neither that he wants to try again. Another note is that he says he’s very busy and has a lot of shitty things going on in his life. He used to tell me everything but if I offer to listen, he just says thanks but he doesn’t wanna talk about it. I have all my emotions in check, I just don’t know what my next step should be. I’m running out of things to initiate a conversation with!! I’m trying to text with a purpose here lol.

I know it might not sound like a lost cause yet, but is there something I can do to move the process a little faster? Or at least push him faster to hang out with me cuz I see that being the next step which is taking a bit too long.

admin

August 6, 2014 at 2:23 pm

There are no shortcuts when it comes to this. Sorry…

Jasmine

August 4, 2014 at 5:59 pm

HI Chris
The situation that I am in is very confusing and tricky. I’ve never been in this position and no matter what I can’t seem to figure it out. I’ve purchased your book and I’ve read it twice, and for most parts it makes sense. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 2 and half months. We knew each other from high school and from what I remember he always liked me and wanted to go out with me. He found me on Facebook after 10 years and we started talking and everything just clicked. Every day he reminded me how much he cared about me back in the day and how much his feelings for me is getting stronger and deeper. It had gotten to a point that after 3 days of talking/texting we felt we were sole mates. He started to talk about marriage, moving in together, and even meeting each other parents. Though everything seemed like it was moving fast it felt right. He felt right. I never thought that he would ever hurt me or break my hurt, because the way he kept telling me how he felt about me and what he saw in his future with me.
Until one day he ask me to give him some space. At that point I didn’t know what I had done so I said ok. His job was very stressful and I thought maybe he needed some time for himself. The next day he send me this huge text about how his sorry and that he rushed into things with me without thinking things through and he made a mistake. He apologized about everything and was very sorry. We talked about it and I tried to understand why he was stressing and why he felt the way he did. After an hour of conversation and trying to understand him he apologized and we were back to normal. The same night he called me and told me how much he loved me and how much he appreciated that I fought for him and our relationship. Everything was good. Until our date.
We finally set a date to meet each other after 10 years and the date was good relatively since the day of he had an family issue where his little brother was found to be doing drugs. He was very stressed out and worried about the situation, which clearly was understandable. He drove up to see me ( 2 hours) and we spend the whole day together It was good, but I could tell he was stressed. We did have sex, but it wasn’t just sex, we had lunch, went to the beach, walked on the pier, took a nap, and throughout the day he was holding me, hugging, kissing, me holding my stuff and very gentle man and affectionate.
When it was time to go home we said our byes, hugged and kissed. On his way back I called him to make sure he was ok and if he arrived safely back home since it was a long drive. He felt distant and short.
The next day he texted me saying he needed some space to deal with family and try to find help for his brother. He kept checking in with me and telling me he loved me. But there was no affection.
Next day it felt more of a distance. So I asked him what was going on and what was bothering him. He told me that ever since the date he felt overwhelmed with pressure, about our future. He felt like he had made promises he couldn’t keep and he got ahead of himself because of the way he felt about me. He never blamed me, if anything he blamed himself for making those promises and talking about marriage and meeting each other parents. ( I never initiated any of these things… he did ).. He told me he was pulling away and wanted to get his feelings straight before he wanted to talk to me because he didn’t want to hurt me or make a big deal out of it.
Finally, comes to conclusion that he wanted to take things slow, but with out being lovey-dovey. ( he would still tell me he loved me)… however I was so shocked by his choice of words and action that I got emotional and shut him out. I cried to him unexpectedly and he felt horrible and he cried too. For two days things were horrible, after 2 days I called him to have an adult conversation…we talked about an hour he told me he loved me, but wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship BUT HE WANTED US TO KEEP IN TOUCH AND HAVE ME IN HIS LIFE.
I do love him, so I choose to be in his life. It only took me a day to feel uncomfortable, because after we talked he texted me right after and we texted throughout the day like how we were before. Just not lovey-dovey.
Next day I purchased your book and I was lost and more confused. I tried to pull back but he still messages me wants talk to me about his dreams, school, family, but not our relationship. It’s been twoo weeks since our our breakup. I have no idea what to do. I feel like if chose to do complete No contact he will be gone but at the same time I don’t want to be his cushion for comfort. i need him to miss me and realize what he did was wrong. I feel like he promised everything and just took it away. I have been distant.. I answer his text 3 hours late. I answer them respectfully with semicolon and emoji’s. I make sure that he knows I stay busy either with school or friends, and that I can’t talk to him at the time or day. He has mentioned that he doesn’t want to have a relationship as of now and that the past two weeks were not enjoyable due to our breakup and us being arguing and fighting. 3 days a go we talked about possibly be friends i am just not sure if that is a good idea. after 2 days he texted me this morning with a picture of a deer saying ” look what i came across to during my morning walk” I don’t know if i should just start the NO CONTACT rule now and not respond or respond and start the no contact rule. please help. he keeps contacting me and his really nice to me asking about my day and how my studying, school, and even DR appointments went. I don’t know how to lose complete contact with him without looking our sounding like a bitch.

admin

August 6, 2014 at 2:10 pm

Ill tell you what. I have a feeling you are going to struggle with NC.

So, lets shorten your NC to 21 days instead of the initial 30.

please help

August 2, 2014 at 1:35 am

Chris! Thank you so much for the guides, I have read all of them & have a question for you! I have been priming my ex for the past couple weeks & he always replies, sometimes quickly, sometimes not so quickly, but he always replies and things are always positive BUT he never initiates texts with me. I text him every couple days, but he never reaches out to me first and I am starting to feel really discouraged because I thought I was doing a good job of working my charm & using your techniques; he even text me that he misses being with me but then I don’t hear from him unless I reach out to him. He is even flirty with me sometimes & everything seems to be going good, but then I don’t hear from him at all. I tried to transition to phonecalls using one of your techniques but he said he was in the middle of uploading something & would call me when he was finished but then he didn’t call & then I told him I had to go & to give me a call tomorrow and he said ok, but then he didn’t. Do you have any pointers for me? Do you think I should give up? Also, how often should I be texting him? I have been doing so every two days, is that too frequent? Please help : (

admin

August 4, 2014 at 2:33 pm

How long do texting conversations usually last?
please help

August 5, 2014 at 8:33 pm

the text conversations sometimes spread out for hours.

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