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The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You
Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
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How Long Does Avoidant Deactivation Last?
How To Let Go Of An Avoidant Partner
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sarah
January 13, 2014 at 10:30 pm
My ex and I broke up 6 months ago our relationship started 3yrs ago as friends with benefits that a year and a half into it he and I made it official, it ended with me finding out he was having sexual conversations with woman online. We fought actually I yelled he apologized I told him I didn’t know if I could be with him anymore he said he needed to work on himself so he thought it would be best to end it. Obviously I miss him like crazy a few weeks after our breakup I asked him if we could work on things he stated he wasn’t ready for a relationship a few days later I found out he was dating someone it broke my heart I thought if he loved me why would he date someone else if I was willing to work on things. So I went 4 mths with no contact after deciding I still love him and want him back still. I found your website, I contacted him after 4mths he started with short responses than a few times he has reached out to me talking than it will stop we have been in contact now for 8 wks I have only seen him once in that time frame and it was a short contact nothing sexual he needed help with something I left with a hug I’m pretty sure he went to kiss but pulled away I left, he than became distant/short responses or not answering at all for a week or so than I text something to open a convo he would respond but short responses I haven’t said anything yet to him about getting back together its just been friendly talk I don’t know at this point if I should ask about weather or not that’s a posibilty please help I don’t want to ruin the progress I have made but I’m kinda becoming impatient as to getting him to proceed with anything such as asking me on a date ect. Please hep Chris!!!
admin
January 14, 2014 at 5:44 pm
I hear you on the impatience thing. I don’t even blame you but you have to be patient and the more you force things the worse they tend to get.
sarah
January 15, 2014 at 3:34 am
Thank you Chris for responding to my desperation for advice lol much appreciated! My ex and I are still in contact , actually yesturday our conversation through txt was going good and I felt confident and comfortable in asking him out for coffee he replied with “really?” I didn’t know how to take his statement so I responded by saying “yes.” I didn’t know if he was excited or thrown back by my offer for coffee than I waited for a response and he stated “maybe someday I don’t want to give you any expectations”. I was confused with his response maybe you could enlighten me on exactly what that means :)? I responded with my only expectation is a good cup of coffee and a good conversation. He replied with maybe someday. I am stuck do I stop contacting him for a little bit or will that not make a difference?
Minion
January 10, 2014 at 3:07 pm
Hi! My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago now and I’m slowly getting back to normal. Have you got any advice on how to act around him? See we’re both cheerleaders and we train together, I’ll occasionally catch him looking at me (whether that’s cause me misses me or just likes what he sees idk – its hot in the gym so us girls tend to train in crops and shorts) I don’t wanna seem like a b!tch by totally ignoring him and treating him like he’s got the plague but I also don’t want the entire gym thinking that I’m so hung up on him I can’t function! when we split up he said that he was going though personally stuff and didn’t wanna drag me down or burden me with this as well. I am current in NC š
admin
January 11, 2014 at 2:00 am
Hold on…. can you describe your worries for me again?
Sweetone
January 9, 2014 at 5:39 pm
Hi Chris.. I don’t mean to butt in, I just want to share some insight with the girls. I’m in the same boat “wanting to get back an ex” I did NC for 5 weeks, he initiated first contact way before i get done with my disappearing act, he sent greetings over the holidays as well.. My issue is “i want him back but it has to be on my terms” I don’t believe in ultimatums (it’s phony) but I believe In myself regardless of the fact that he initiated the break-up, it felt like the breakup was all meant to shatter my self-esteem but My heart and mind says “who the fuck he is to have the power to define who I am, it’s only myself who can define the beauty and the bad about me” So for the ladies out here, while you’re giving all the effort to get your guys back, DON’T EVER forget the most important in the process – YOU what makes you REALLY happy.. And lastly………………………”Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense regardless of how it turns out.” –
Cheers to all and Thanks Chris for this wonderful site! š
admin
January 10, 2014 at 2:19 am
Butt in all you want!
Anonymous
January 8, 2014 at 6:51 am
Ladies! Please read this. You need to get the book “Getting to I do.” By Dr. Pat Allen (Allan?). It saved me. Chris gives great advice, but I disagree with contacting your ex AND you should wait 8 weeks. Men fall in love when they’re away from you, we fall in love when we’re with them. Have you ever had a guy you went on a date with disappear and then reappear about a month or so later? By then you’re over it. Men process things way different than we do. The first 4 weeks, men keep themselves busy, go out, and have the “I don’t need her” attitude. 5-6 weeks they start missing you, by the 8th week they WILL contact you if they want you back. If they don’t, move on. Of course this is not fool proof. My friend just got back with her ex after 4 months… but HE initiated the contact. You need to be more feminine if you want to attract a masculine man. If you don’t mind being the masculine one in your relationship, contact/chase them. I agree with Chris with the NC, but I would wait 8 weeks and then move on if you don’t hear from your ex. Live your life, hang out with friends…he will feel your energy and will come back if it’s meant to be. If not, he was a lesson and you will be better for the next person. Feel free to ask any questions if you like.
anonymous
February 4, 2014 at 2:52 pm
This is really interesting. What if i have done nc a few times? First time being 30days. Then he went cold on me. I did nc again for a wk. We were on speaking terms again. Till he went cold on me again. Probably cause i was too pushy, wanted too much too soon. So i’m back on nc again. Can i still try this 8wk nc even if he is dating someone new? Will he have that same attitude you mentioned? First 4wks the “i dont need her attitude” and so forth.
Anyway its interesting cause some of my friends. They waited 6mths for their ex to come crawling back to them. Some of my friends, a year plus! And yes, their ex was alrdy dating someone new during that “nc period” but yet, their ex came crawling back to them and HE initiated the contact.
So to a certain extent, who initiates contacts first matters a lot, no?
anonymous
February 4, 2014 at 3:37 pm
Anyway, if my ex boyfriend is dating someone new. And they didn work out that well or he may choose to not commit to anyone of them yet. The other ladies could be doing the same thing i’m doing now! Hahaha. Feels intense somehow. To have to work hard to being the bigger and better deal when doing nc at the same time. And hoping that you left him with more gd and fond memories than the other ladies did š and.. just waiting for him to initiate the contact. Feels depressing somehow.
admin
January 8, 2014 at 6:27 pm
Hey!
Thanks for giving your opinion. You may disagree with what I say but I respect your opinion.
emily
January 7, 2014 at 10:50 pm
Um… Let me tell u a story. Maybe it isn’t really nice because I’m not really good in English :p
My story is about a silly girl named E. E is a happy girl but she’s having a problem a big problem. She never been in love.Whole her teenager, she liked a boy but she never told him. 20years is a long time. Now she’s curious about love lol.
One day, E moves to a new country. She doesn’t have any friends. She was melting by boredom. Then randomly a boy texted her on a dating app. Haha 1min later she asked him to go out without seeing his photo.
… it was a wonderful summer afternoon. He stepped in her life. That man he was crazy avout being her 1st man. He starts like then love her. But she still scare because she know how deep she’ll fall if she’s in love.. after 1month seeing eachother every 2days he left her with a broken heart when she loved him.
1month later… he came back. They were together next 4months. She gave him her 1st time. They promised will be together forever. But suddenly E had some problems so she came back her country. The night before she leave he said’ I love u so much baby’. He looked deeply in her eyes ‘ill miss u so much baby’ hahaha funny laugh 2days later. He found an other girl who from same country same city with him. That night they slept together. The next day,E was trying to contact him then received ” sorry today someone comes to my life :D” with a smilley face lol. E is a silly girl, she cant even believe that. she called him everyday for a week then he blocked her. He didn’t give her any explanation. That man and his new girl enjoyed Christmas together. She texted, called every 2days he never answered. And the only thing he said ‘we had problem I can’t be together forever with u. Ill engage with that girl few months later. I saw her family they ar nice’
That men’s boring, he doesn’t have enough time for her, he’s too poor, he betrayed her, he’s so different to her world but why 1month already she still can’t forget that person. Haha so funny right? Stupid stupid E. 1st love is a horrible story. At last, she still wondering if he ever did love her…
admin
January 8, 2014 at 6:17 pm
I am sure he did..
emily
January 9, 2014 at 9:26 pm
.. Could u tell me why that man in the story told her “I love you so much” and 2 days later he was looking for another girl? I told him only 2weeks but he said he though ill never come back. Only 1night with a new girl can change everything he had with E in 6months?
Sorry I really can’t understand. I don’t have any experiences, even dating before I met him.
Anonymous
January 6, 2014 at 9:26 pm
I’m only on day 10 of NC but I can’t help but have this lurking in the back of my mind: He’s blocked me from all forms of social media – not because I was bugging/pestering/text-gnatting him, mind you, I don’t actually know why he did it because as far as I knew, we weren’t really on “blocking terms” – but what if he’s blocked my phone number as well (it’s not something I know for sure, it’s just that nagging feeling)? Then he won’t be purposefully ignoring me, but he just flat out won’t be receiving anything from me. Like I said, I did nothing to garner the blocking, so… yeah. Any thoughts or advice on that?
Anonymous
January 7, 2014 at 7:31 am
I forgot to add that I don’t have his email either.
Allyssa
December 31, 2013 at 5:37 pm
I am going through a break up right now where I moved with my ex of 2 years to Florida and we live together. We were arguing a lot and then out of no where he wanted a break. I was so upset crying and begging. And then I had a feeling there was another girl..We still live together mind you, and I went through his Verizon account and found texts telling this girl he loves her and shes amazing and during Christmas I went home to see my family. I found a naked picture of her in our bed. When he picked me up from the airport, we went and had dinner and drinks and he said all this BS to me, and we held each other and yadda yadda and I couldnāt hold it back and I showed him the picture. He has blamed me for this whole break up saying I pushed him away, that Iāve changed because I got a degree with my job and blah blah. He has only said horrible things to me except when he picked me up from the airport but yesterday we got into another huge fight and I said he was a terrible person. He says I’m cheap with my money and would never want me to spend a dime on him again, he has also said that I was nagging him and I was never happy with anything and that there was “always something.” He says he didn’t have a good relationship, but we had so many fun times together. I also told him I didn’t want to be alone for NYE and he said “sorry everyone knows we broke up we cant hang out like a couple because I do not want to lead you on and string you along.” One day he says he sees a future down the road then the next he says we aren’t meant for each other. It has been a bad break up. But I caught him looking through my pictures and he says ive changed from when we first meet. Which is true, I grew up. I told him I don’t want to lose him out of my life and he says “here we go again with this shit every night with you standing by my door saying the same stuff.” its only because we live together and whenever I’m talking I see him texting this new girl and it makes me so upset and mad that I say stupid stuff. I am moving out but until Feb. I cant. We fight and I still tell him I care and he admitted to me about the other girl but he says she moved away and he misses her and she treats him betterā¦theyāve been talking for a month..weāve been broken up a monthishā¦im 26 heās 25 sheās 20ā¦Im pretty hurt and Iāve told him that what he did bringing her to our apartment was really screwed up and he has no remorseā¦and I said some angry words and so did heā¦I know I have to move on, because heās done some shit before but he blames me for everything saying I pushed him away.. I didnāt give him much space when he asked for it because I was hurt and we live in a 1 bedroom apartmentā¦Do you think he will realize what heās lost once I do this No Contact and completely disappear?
Anonymous
December 30, 2013 at 6:25 pm
I went through the 30 days of no contact (actually just a bit longer) and texted him yesterday. I told him how I went into a store we went into once and how it reminded me of the time we went together. He responded by saying: “still thinking about me?” I told him that I had good memories with him and that I thought of them occasionally. He then said that he was sorry we couldn’t find a happy medium and that we didn’t work out. I responded by saying I didn’t quite understand why and I wish I did. He didn’t text back after that. I’m confused at whether or not this is a good sign and what to do next. I thought maybe texting him would provide some clarity about how he felt, but I’m still pretty confused.
Leslie
December 30, 2013 at 5:13 pm
Chris,
I am only at day two of no contact. But I’ve been reading a lot of your articles and they are very helpful and giving me a lot to think about and causing me to evaluate my relationship with my exboyfriend. First off when we broke up he said he wanted to be single and we could be “friends” I put my foot down and said I can’t so he got upset and said we our nothing and we talked for a little bit and asked what I did and he said I did nothing wrong and then when I said no to the friends thing he said I have feelings for someone else. Also he mentioned that we should not talk atleast not for awhile. Which I am guessing that when his seasonal job is done he might reconnect with me. When he and I are upset we don’t yell or fight we talk things out really well and before we became boyfriend and girlfriend we discussed the issue of kids and what we want out of our relationship. We have a lot in common with our history especially not having a relationship with our real dad. My dad and family problems are similar to the ones he is going through now and I raised my brothers just like he is helping his mom raise his little brothers. We have fun and when I can get him to open up that is when he really lets me know how he feels. Deep down I feel as though he cares and I really want to pursue a 30 day no contact, its only four and a half weeks. When we are friends he always wants to rush back into things and we break up.
So before you suggested if he contacts me to not contact him, however when I read this article you said do no contact your ex between 15-90 days depending on the circumstance? So I am confused as to how I should approach this?
Idk if the rebound relationship is real but should I ignore his texts until 30 days are up?
Also I know he broke up because we have discussed that he doesn’t like relationships where he can’t see or talk to someone as much and right now we can’t which was why he might have wanted to be my friend but I don’t want to be strung a long.
Also you said actions are louder than words, I saw in one of your previous articles when breakups typically happen, right around holiday time. So he had told my friends and asked me three different times if I was coming for xmas and I said yes, but then we broke up a week before xmas and I am finding a lot of girls on here have had there bf’s break up with them around the same time. So how would I evaluate this action? I don’t know if this is an excuse due to my feelings but he kind of told me had heard his parents fighting and wasn’t sure what was happening with xmas, I’m sure it was a drunken fight because his step dad is an alcoholic. So I kind of got a little insecure and it partly comes from my past with my dad. I didn’t think I would because I stayed single for a long time and went to counseling. But my insecurity from my past came up and I questioned him and he said everything was fine with him and I but he would explain later. So instead of explaining he broke up with me and I know it is partly my fault for the way I reacted , I didn’t yell or anything but I did get upset and he can’t handle that sometimes. So I know he was worried about me getting mad which was why I think he broke it off, (this has happened before). But then when I sit down and talk to him things are fine and we work it out really well. I’m sorry for how long this is but I like how straight forward you are. And wanted to know what your opinion was on this issue and if I am making an excuse for his actions? and what I should do with the 15-90 day contact rule part considering my above question? I really appreciate you helping me out and for all your articles. They are giving me lots to think about and the no contact rule makes great sense as to why it can be so effective!
Thanks again for your help : )
erin
December 26, 2013 at 10:35 pm
Hi chris, im back .lol.and sad to say,nothings changed -_- im not going to lie i really didnt come through woth the no contact rule…..its been 4 weeks….and today was the day i texted him! All i said was hope you had a great xmas. He never reaponded! So i got a little upset.i emdes up saying…..how heartless he was to want me out of his life after so much we went through after losing our son. And all the pain we went througj together now its like he despises me:(. He just kept saying stop erin ! Stop….i said do u have someonel else….he said no ” i just need to move fkrward with my future! He said its what best!? I dont understand chris,i even asked him…do u just want space from me…he said” just forget about me man” š . I dont understand why he just wants me to forget about him like he never exsisted.he to k d his mom.he wanted her to stop communicating with me chris becsuae he dkesnt want her in the middle if anything’ wtf!!!! š chris,what shoukd i do pmease help.me.
admin
December 27, 2013 at 7:13 pm
Sorry about that.
Give him some space. Let things calm down a bit.
Nivi
December 26, 2013 at 3:27 pm
Hi Chris,
I had reached out to you about 2 months back.
Just needed a final verdict now, yes or no?!
After the NC for a month, my ex and I had a few text conversations.
He called on my birthday & we spoke for over an hour.
We had one unplesant text conversation, then no contact for 20 days.
On Christmas eve, he called and shared the news of a new job and clearing his exam. I congratulated him and wished him well š
He continued that he’d be in town for the next two days and needed my help to shop as he is leaving for a cruise voyage in January for 7 months.
We met, it was friendly, we talked and had happy conversation.
There was no mentioning of our old relationship.
He dropped me to my home, we had a hug.
He gave me a small keep-sake bracelet and told me that he’d email me while abroad.
There was warmth & companionship but it felt friendly and comfortable.
He leaves for 7 months in two weeks.
Please tell me, should I wait for him?
Is there anything between us or it’s over?
Please help me.
This is it for us.
Thank you so much!
Nivi
January 2, 2014 at 7:30 am
Hey Chris,
I still wait for your advise š lemme know!
Thanks a ton!
Emma
December 26, 2013 at 4:44 am
Merry Christmas Chris! I think I lost any hope of bring my guy back to me! Ex has move to some else a week after our breakup .. They have known each other for 4 months (we broke up about 2 months ago) and they have there pics on FB as a couple.. I keep trying to start the NC but he always text me every 3 days of small talk.. Not sure if she knows about it?
He freak out last week and text me “that he hopes he is not making a mistakes and he still thinks of me”
What does that statement mean?
Now for the holidays , he has brought her home to meet her family and his!! Why does he get contacting me?? Is he really confused?
admin
December 26, 2013 at 6:24 pm
He is worried about what you think about him thinking that he still thinks about you.
Whoa, that was one hell of a sentence.
Emma
December 26, 2013 at 8:58 pm
š I told him that I still think about him as well. That he did make a mistake and it’s forgivable and I love him and miss him..no response from that…I thought for sure he was coming back around! I feel like a complete fool! I spoke from my heart-no games.. Since then he is still checking via text but not acknowledging what I said! Is this in the crapper? Did I loose all my chances? Will NC still work?
admin
December 27, 2013 at 7:00 pm
It can still work.
Emma
December 28, 2013 at 11:56 am
I hope so! I really miss him and I love him…i am not hearing from him much these days… After what he texted to me as I stated from the previous post about “still thinking of me”..etc..and now silence from his end..it’s like he disappeared and doesn’t care anymore about my well being …and he is the one that left me for another woman and leaving me 100% blindsided and shocked ..he took her in my place on my Hawaiian bday trip (that we planned months prior) 2 days AFTER we broke up! Who does that ?? After our breakup he was constantly checking in.. Now silence from him.. I hope the NC rule works ..he cheated& she help broke up a relationship.. Will that relationship built on cheating &guilt last?
Emma
December 26, 2013 at 7:11 am
Sorry for the typos!
Brit
December 24, 2013 at 3:46 pm
Good or Bad Sign?
If your ex boyfriend and you act like you’re going out again and then he keeps saying how he just wants to be friends , and doesn’t want to hook up like that anymore. It’s giving the wrong idea. Which it is lol but still calls and answers texts? It may be time for me to give up and let him go. Let him experience life and other girls so he can know what it’s like. He’s afraid of the forever part , not knowing and I guess I am too now. Forever is a long time , and time has a way of changing things.
What do you think? I can’t keep fighting for him when he keeps coming back then telling me he just wants to be friends and that he still has feelings for me. Last post I promise just need to know.
Becki
January 5, 2014 at 10:13 pm
Should I give up chris? He’s told our friends that he doesn’t want me back, isn’t upset that he’s lost me, but he is upset that’s he’s hurt me so much. And he is relieved to have finally broken up with me. But the only thing that’ he has told me is that he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t done for over a year but I asked him again and he worked it out to be around eight months ago,. He has said to me that he can’t be bothered to try and make it work as it’s too hard. But we had been extremely happy together and had been talking about marriage and kids. What should I do, I’m distraught it’s been 7 weeks and I just feel depressed we hardly even argued and he had told his friends he was going to propose to me. I’m currently doing no contact on my sixth day as I keep breaking it and becoming a text gnat. Should I give up in getting him back?
admin
December 24, 2013 at 7:37 pm
Bad sign… BUT its not a damning sign.
Brit
January 1, 2014 at 5:22 am
What does that mean? Where should I go from here?
Sophie
December 24, 2013 at 1:04 pm
Hi Chris,
Great and very useful website! Thanks for taking the time to answer everyone’s questions š
I’ll try to make mine as brief as possible. I’d been dating this guy for a few months. It was great, we have a lot in common with each other. My only issue was that we weren’t doing enough couple-y things. I’m not unreasonable or dramatic, and I brought it up in a calm and rational manner. He immediately went out of the way to assure me he’d try harder to work on our relationship. When he left my place, I felt like we were in a good place. Just a few hours later, I get dumped via text message. He felt that our relationship had no future, and there was no point in letting it get serious. I chose not to reply, and am happy I didn’t because I would’ve been emotional. I have great self-control and will not contact him during the NC period, but do you think there’s even a chance at getting him back? I hate rushing to conclusions because it’s impossible to guess how another person’s mind works, but it seems to me like he really did like me, but he bailed the second things started to get serious. Just to give you some perspective, he’s spontaneous and last minute about most things in life. However, I’m afraid that he’s made up his mind, and that’s the kind of decision he won’t go back on, even if I put him through NC. I’d really appreciate your thoughts!
admin
December 24, 2013 at 7:36 pm
You never know until you try and I think your case is worth a try.
Reshy
December 24, 2013 at 5:18 am
Hi Chris
So i came back looking for some advise again. Quick review lol. My ex and i talked and he told me how he doesnt want to be with me because he think my parents are not happy about him. It seemed like he was weak but it also looked like he was truly over me. Its been six months and i still love him. Anyways he did say he wanted to be my friend because it felt nice to share his life with me once again. Hes the one who wanted it not me. But now he just backed off. I tried being a cool friend bt he showed off as being busy to not talk to me. We were suppose to meet up at a friends bday dinner but he canceled and it seemed like he lied abt his excuse. After that, his family came over my house and i asked him if he wanted food. He was excited cuz he loves my moms cooking. He said thank you and finally acted alittle normal. After that, i asked about his finals like the next day, and he completely ignored me. I was very annyed and angry because he wasnt acting like a friend when he wanted to be my friend. So i confronted him. And i asked him what his problem was and why hes acting the way he is. And this is what he said: ” yoo why are u acting like we are still together jeez!!smfh, ill answer u when i feel like.. Got a problem?” And i was very hurt by that because I wanted to make thinfs normal. I guess thru the text it came out wrong the way i was tlking bt i can promise i wasnt acting like we wer still together. So i told him how idw to be friends with him. And i also told him do whatever makes u happy bt dont bother worrying abt how i’m doing because thats what ur always concerned abt. So from there I became confused again. I dont know what i should do. Because i know once i stop talking to him and things are calm, he will text me. His parents swear that he will def realize his mistakes and come with an apology. I dont know if i should finally give up. When we broke up he was having fun with his friends and doing whatever he wants while i was miserable crying and trying to find a way to move on. I still want to try one more time to see where it goes. But what should i do now?
admin
December 24, 2013 at 7:28 pm
Well, what have you done so far to get him back?
Reshy
December 24, 2013 at 7:39 pm
I did do the NC for a month. It did work. We met up after six months of not seeing each other. Like there would be times things seemed normal but then it will go back to having negativity feelings. I really dont know how he feels because one day he shows concern and that he cares about me and then the next day its like “get out my life”. Should I do the NC again? And I bought ur E-book and i am noting the tips you suggested. Where should I go from here?
admin
December 26, 2013 at 5:34 pm
So, one day he just up and left and it blindsided you?
Reshy
December 24, 2013 at 7:41 pm
Also to add, I kind of feel like I havent tried enough because I was so worried and scared about being rejected and getting hurt again. One day i will have the confidence and the next day its gone.
Jessy
December 22, 2013 at 4:21 pm
Hey Chris
I finished NC in October, my ex replied but he didn’t sound too excited. Well my plan didn’t work out so I stopped contacting him, because I felt like I annoyed him. Anyways, we haven’t spoken for 2 months now and I wonder if I should wish him happy birthday next week or not? I definitely don’t want him to think I stalk him or something, but it would be nice to hear from him again, even though he makes no effort at all.
admin
December 22, 2013 at 8:04 pm
I don’t think it could hurt.
anonymous
December 21, 2013 at 8:10 am
I did NC in oct. Started contacting my ex in nov. Met him only twice so far till now. First time i asked him. Second time he asked me. Both meetups was in nov. So far, i’m still the one who initiates contact most of the time. I’ve been hinting for another meetup but he always turns me down. How long or how many more mths should i keep trying before i should just give up on pushing for a date with him? His texts have been positive but he seems adamant abt not wanting to date me anymore.
admin
December 22, 2013 at 2:16 am
No try to get that date but don’t come off as pushy. Let the emotional connection you build with him do all the work on the date.
anonymous
December 23, 2013 at 3:35 pm
I just came bck frm a 3rd meetup š basically told him i wanted to give him some souvenirs when i came back frm a holiday. We had dinner too. Date lasted longer than expected. 3hrs. He’d occasionally touched my waist, thigh and he even caressed my face. I was half hoping he’d offer to send me home (he rides a motorcycle) but he didnt. Towards the end of the meetup, He asked for a hug. And following yr guide, i pulled away after a few seconds, gave him a quick peck on his cheek when i could sense he wanted a kiss on the lips. His face was inches away and he even leaned to try and kiss me. Im not ready to rush into getting too physical again so soon so i just gave him a peck on cheek. Hahaha.
Anyway, those are his body languages. During dinner, i asked if he still have feelings for me. He said yes. (A few wks bck, he said no, over text) he also said he loves me like a close friend. What does that mean? I’ve been friendzoned? And he kept asking me abt the other men i went out on dates with during our NC period. I’m confused. is it just me or is he giving me mixed signals?
admin
December 23, 2013 at 8:31 pm
Haha ironic b/c I just wrote a guide about kissing.
And you haven’t been friendzoned if he tried to kiss you.
meriem
December 20, 2013 at 11:20 am
hi chris i want to ask you something i did what you said and then my ex ask me out i was too happy and i think he felt that because after that he went back to being cold and he conceled our date saying that he has something to and we will do it another time.i’m so afraid did i blow it!! what should i do now !!
admin
December 21, 2013 at 3:46 am
Did you come on too strong during the date?
meriem
December 23, 2013 at 1:13 pm
no you didn’t understand we didn’t meet because he came up with an excuse. it’s when he ask me out that i was too happy so i was asking questions like where we gonna meet and when and i said that i should buy something to wear etc i talked too much and after that i lost control i texted him too much so i think he felt that i’m still not over him that’s why he became cold again.the question is what should i do now!!. the second question is i got upset the other day because he was making jokes on me and when he felt that i’m upset he stop talking but he did’t say sorry we didn’t talk from that day and now his birthdy is on this wednesday should i send him a msg or just ignore it because he didn’t say sorry and i’m still upset!
admin
December 23, 2013 at 8:28 pm
Just ignore it.
meriem
December 23, 2013 at 10:59 pm
and when i do that what if he got really upset and never talk to me again because this is his birthday it’s a big deal to him
Em
December 20, 2013 at 10:23 am
Chris,
First off, I really appreciate the time and effort you’ve put into verbalizing this issue. Reading this page alone has already provided a lot more insight than my friends. The girls seem to be in love with the idea of working on things with my ex because they see us as the couple who will, “Go the distance.” The guys keep saying move on, but I’m suspicious they just want my ex out of the way. So here’s the situation.
My ex cheated on me almost two months ago. He kissed a girl after a Halloween party. He didn’t tell me immediately. Instead, he waited to drop it on me during a fight one month later(which was abnormal for us). Then, he apologized and said he was drunk when he did it. I thought that was it, until he gave me a laundry list of things he hated about my personality and said he didn’t think he could ever let go of his resentment. I was shattered. We had been living together for seven months and it was the best seven months of my life. Where did all of this animosity come from? We’d been together four years prior and he hadn’t mentioned any of this. I wanted to work on it, but he insisted he needed time to think. So I moved out.
I tried leaving him alone. Everyday he would text me at least once if I didn’t text him. He’d always have some excuse. So we talked about what he wanted. He said, “I’ve never been my own person. I succumb to peer pressure easily and I’m too afraid to be the man you deserve. You communicate your feelings so well while I have a lot of trouble doing that. It’s like I’m running a marathon with the Kenyans. I don’t want to be in a relationship so I can focus on myself and work on my flaws. But, I see us potentially working out in the future. You’re the only woman I can see being the mother of my children. Can we still be friends?”
At first I was like, “Of course!” We awkwardly hung out two times pretending everything was normal. The first occasion we lost control and had sex. The second was surprisingly more cold.
Then I developed my own laundry list. This guy didn’t invite me to that Halloween party. That’s where he met this girl. He’s blown me off when we had date plans, let his friends make piggish comments about my body while I wasn’t there, his bestie made a pass at me multiple times when he wasn’t around (and my bf never called him out),the first time we made plans to move in together he backed out the day we were going to sign the lease, and he says I broke his heart because I’ve made him feel bad for all of these things. There has been a lot of things I’ve blissfully ignored out of desperation to believe he was a nice guy. So I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Here’s the crazy part. Our relationship really is great though! Sex is bomb. Each morning when we woke up the first thing we’d do is share what we dreamed with the other person before breakfast. We both are avid hikers and biology enthusiasts. Playing Mass Effect or watching Parks and Recreation is our idea of movie night. We’ve both driven each other to the hospital and cared for the other when they’ve been very sick. We’ve gone over seas together. Swam with sharks together. You get the point. We’re each other’s best friend.
I just don’t get it. So I told him, “No. I’m not a piece of cake you can throw in the freezer for later. If we break up I can’t bear to hang out because of how much I wanted this to work. I feel very hurt and inadequate. It isn’t fair to put me through that sort of tease.” That’s where I’m at now.
It’s over. I’m left feeling very conflicted and confused. I have many questions but the most important of which is, “Should I really try picking this up after enough time has passed?”
Thanks for listening.
-Emily
listener
December 26, 2013 at 3:52 pm
emily, keep repeating this to yourself:
“No. Iām not a piece of cake you can throw in the freezer for later.”
Em
December 27, 2013 at 9:18 pm
We were together four years. After posting this and giving myself time to soak it all in I feel this was a blessing. Thank you, that sentence really does say it how it is.
Time to move on.
admin
December 21, 2013 at 3:42 am
Well, was the cheating a one time thing?
How long did you two date?
Tossing in the Towel?
December 20, 2013 at 8:01 am
Hi Chris. I’ve read all of your site. Thank you for being a float of reason in a sea of strife.
Now for the buoyant info dump afloat on dark waters: I dated a man off and on junior high/high school. We lost touch, met again, resumed friendship in our thirties, and back in June, he separated and we flirted with being involved again…now in our forties. I was interested, but it would be a matter of time until he was fully divorced, and I thought we should wait. He said he wouldn’t push me, so we confined it to friendship, kept fantasy to text and talk. Things changed though. He became very controlling, I felt pressured, we argued, we’re both sensitive, until I worried about offending him with anything I said, but finally got angry and told him he was behaving like a petty tyrant. He felt “betrayed” because he felt I’d made promises to be with him,and let him down by resorting to name calling. After that, texts got ugly to the point where he even questioned the friendship. That blew me away coming from someone I’ve known since middle school.In trying to save the friendship I irritated him by being, you guessed it; a text gnat. But I stopped, tried NC for a week…then caved and texted a really nice message about just calling it friends, moving on, and getting back to good.
Ugly response.
Waited a week, texted I’ve tix to a sold out show, invited him as a friend, to have fun, hang out, no drama.
Response: he couldn’t make it. Then he texted it wasn’t personal, he was just busy.
*I text glad it wasn’t personal
Response:none
Just finished no contact for seventeen days before I caved and tried again; mentioned just being buds and a hot tip for tickets to something we both wanted to go to but is sold out. Ive been nothing but nice for a month now in any of the texts I sent, so I was surprised when he responded with a message that he still isn’t sure that our friendship is reparable, he would have to be the one to decide, and literally typed that the ball is in his court.
I didn’t respond to that because I’m pretty hurt myself at this point and considering tossing in the towel. It just sucks so much to lose him as a friend, but I know that though I’ve made mistakes, he’s taking this to new heights…and I really am a good friend. I’ve tried to fix this, but I don’t know what to do now.
Then he texted once more that he’s been clear [about not being sure about the friendship].
And then he responded on Google+ thanking me for the link and he would look in to it.
Those last two were yesterday. How should I respond? If at all? He was once the love of my life…but time changes people, and that’s not a bad thing…but it’s a hurtful thing have him, a friend, a guy I thought I knew so well, push me away so firmly. And I’m not even trying to get into a romantic liaison with him, even once his divorce is final. I’ve pretty much lost all interest in that aspect of it.
I think friendship should trump all…but I’m getting stomped pretty thoroughly here and my flame is dying embers in a deluge of tears for what we’ve lost…friendship is supposed to be a roundtrip journey.
Thanks for listening to me and everyone else. My best hopes and heart go out to all the worthy folk here who have loved and lost, have retrieved their loved one, or have decided to move on, and given each other support and strength to help actually do it.
Joy ie Madame Towel
December 21, 2013 at 8:27 am
Sorry, I wrote you again thinking the system had eaten it and this just popped up! I swear I’m not gnatting. Learned my lesson the hard way about that.
I find it interesting that he responded, though negatively, if he doesn’t want anything to do with a friendship. On the other hand, I’m wondering if more NC would help?
If I thought I could get back to our easy going conversations I would do anything. But I really do wonder if maybe he really is done with me because I was a gnat…and called him on the pushiness.
Does it sound to you like it’d work out with more time. Perhaps a full 30 NC? It’d be hard to do over the holidays…but I’d do it if you think it’d have a chance. I just need a guy’s take on this…minus the romance, plus the friends?
Oh! Holy Crap! Could that be the problem? That I’m no longer “on the table” romantically?
admin
December 22, 2013 at 2:20 am
I don’t think NC can hurt lets put it that way.
Joy of Towels
December 22, 2013 at 3:35 am
Okay. No contact for the full thirty. I hope this gets us back to good. Thank you. It’s very kind of you to respond to everyone! š
admin
December 21, 2013 at 3:40 am
I guess the question is: Do you want to respond to him? Do you see a point to it?