When You Should Stop Trying To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,125 thoughts on “When Should You Stop Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?”

laurie

September 3, 2018 at 4:29 am

Hi Chris, my bf broke up with for some silly reason. we’ve been together for a year. He got jealous because I had left his house without telling him and told me to leave his place (he lives in his parent’s house). He asked me to pack my stuff and to leave. I took his meds with me out of anger but mail them back the next few days. No contact for the past 6 weeks. He hasn’t asked for his belongings that he had at my place. He has not reached out at all. Should I just give up and finally move on? I do love him and we were planning on moving in together and have a baby. the break up was a shock to me and drove me to depression, still I have not tried to contact him because I do not want to be rejected…

Chris Seiter

September 3, 2018 at 8:19 pm

Hi Laurie!

Guys can be really stupid about their jealousy. Given the way things ended, it think employing no contact is a good approach. There are a lot of good things you can get out of NC, first and foremost some healing for you.

Hannah

August 15, 2018 at 10:05 pm

Hello, I need some advice please!
I’ve worked through the process of no contact and starting communication with my ex again. We met up for the first time after breakup last weekend, things went great. He texted me after the meet up and the conversation flowed well. But when I texted him again after a few days, no response. Then I asked him if he wanted to go for shisha sometime yesterday, still no response. He was responding fine before the meet up and was even making an effort to carry on the conversation. I don’t know what went wrong after the meet up that I can’t even get a response from him anymore. What should I do?

Chris Seiter

August 17, 2018 at 2:32 pm

This happens sometimes Hannah. Probably best not to chase. Wait a week, then try again, but use an attraction text (the kind I talk about in my book).

Mandy

August 14, 2018 at 4:20 pm

Hi Chris!
I really need your help!
I am on day 10 of NC and something really bugs me. I’ve been stalking my ex on his twitter and I saw that there was a tweet like this : “If your love comes back, will you accept them?” and he replied :”Even if I love her ,no, because the beauty of love is that you resist to be away from each other, but not more than one time!”
And it hit me badly, what if I’m doing all of it for nothing?

PS : this is the second time we broke up, the last time I didn’t use NC and we got back cause we are studying in the same college and we were contacting so much but we are on the summer break.
ONE more thing, He dumped me both of the times because he thinks that loving isn’t enough and we are not good for each other…

Chris Seiter

August 17, 2018 at 2:59 pm

Hi Mandy!

I think he is just thinking silly thoughts. Love doesn’t work that way. He may be trying to convince himself of something he really doesn’t believe…but just doesn’t know that yet. Stick with you NC and continue to follow the teachings in my eBook, “EBR Pro”!

Eliana

August 10, 2018 at 1:45 am

Hi EBR team, so my (now) ex-boyfriend and I were very close to another friend of ours. I have been friends with him for forever and we went on a trip recently through church that ended with us both in a hammock, freezing and cuddling. We ended up touching each other and kissing once. We decided not to tell both of our significant others because it didn’t mean anything to us, but eventually he grew to be very guilty so he told his girlfriend. I told him to only tell her that we kissed, and I did the same with my boyfriend, but he still felt bad so he went ahead and told them both that we touched as well. This caused my ex-boyfriend to get extremely mad at me for lying (which is understandable) and broke up with me. Since then, our friend and his girlfriend have gotten back together, but my ex-boyfriend and I are still having issues. I want him back more than anything in the world. I feel such remorse for making this mistake and I have never regretted something more in my entire life. We had an amazing 3 year long relationship before this happened, and I just want it to go back to the way it was. Right after the breakup, he talked to me daily for a while, until he enforced the no-contact rule. He eventually broke this again, but then reinforced it by not texting me back. This has happened multiple times (like around 4). We have hooked up twice since the breakup, and we were going to again in a couple of days but he revoked that because “it didn’t feel right.” His responses to me talking to him have been very cold, but they are still responses. I don’t know if I should give up on trying to get him back, and I don’t know what to do in general. I’m trying to get him to have lunch with me this weekend, and he says he’s thinking about it. I want him to forgive me and I would be willing to demonstrate my regret in any way possible. Please help! I’m trying my best.
Lovisa

February 17, 2018 at 12:24 am

Hi EBR Team,

I had been in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for over four years. Throughout these four years of relationship, we have never really had a huge argument , just the minor ones over little patty things but we both always talk about it and get over it pretty quickly.

When we were going in to our third year relationship, things between us got really mundane. Everything was routine and both of us knew something was wrong but none had the courage to bring it up. I was afraid to lose him and he was afraid that he would never be able to find someone as good as I am. Since it was his first time being in a long term relationship (more than 2 years) he did not know if what he was feeling was because he’s has fallen out of love or it’s because we had just been doing everything repeatedly. There was no sparks in us anymore.

As time goes by, I tend to get more upset and upset and constantly giving out negative vibes to him which directly made us unhappy. I also find myself always reminiscing about the past like how we first got together but I am also contented with where we are right now, although things were pretty stagnant. But I’ve never brought this up because again I was afraid of losing him. He did tell me once that he is fine living the rest of his life with me like this as he is at a very comfortable stage but he does not know if two person being together was meant to be this way, could there be a possibility where the both of us could be happier. He also admitted he’s always prioritizing work and friends over me and he always feels bad and tries to make it up to me. He knows he has taken me for granted and feels sorry about it.

It was at the point where I thought probably moving up to the stage of life could change things. My objective in the relationship is to have a family, have kids of our own and build a home together. But since he’s at stage of confusion, he could not see himself getting married at this stage of life. He wants time to figure out and reflect upon what he really wants in this relationship. He said he loves me but isn’t sure what is he feeling at the moment, he’s just so confused.

We had this talk several months ago, but in the end we were both devastated to see each other being so upset that we agreed to work things out and put this aside. However we did not come out with a real solution and let the problem swayed at one side for the next few months.

It was up until last weekend that we brought it up over dinner and we had a huge fight over it. I was the one who brought up the topic but was too afraid to admit there is indeed a problem in this relationship and I kept pestering him into making a decision which left him really frustrated that almost pushed him over the edge of his limit.

The next day when we both calmed down, I wrote him an email spilling out all my thoughts and insecurities. I was being as transparent as I could, telling him my solution to the problem and my objective in life with him. In the end I told him I would give him the space and time he needs but I would also put a timeline for myself whereby if he doesn’t get back to me without figuring what he wants, I would let him go.

I thought he wouldn’t come back to me in a few weeks time but that very night itself he came to look for me and said he had broken down reading the email and that he all he wanted was to get back together with me but he knows if he does that and not solving the true problem, it will arise again. So we agreed to take a few months off to be separated with each other to reflect upon this relationship, to see if we would really miss each other. I was devastated because I always think if we were to take some time off he will eventually never come back. He said sorry for being so selfish but he was being encouraging and told me to look from a positive perspective where these few months of separation may well enable us to walk down to a longer road.

I can’t help but feeling that everything he said was just an excuse. That he really wanted to break this off but was too guilty as we have always been good to each other. And I am just so afraid that within these few months of separation, with us not contacting each other, he may just be gone forever.

I have started the no Contact rule, day 5 in it. Every part of my mind and body is asking me to get in contact with him but I know that would only drive him away further because he emphasized the need to have this separation to sort out his feelings. I had started writing a journal to reflect upon this relationship and what was the lessons to be learnt. I also have a mindset of treating this as a real break up and that we will never get back together and to plan out what I can do during my alone time and to detoxify from this long term relationship. I have unfollowed him on facebook and Instagram but did not unfriend him.

I still love him very much and miss him so much. Just can’t stop thinking if he has already moved on with his life. I am giving myself a one month no contact but don’t know if he doesn’t contact me by then should I look for him or just let this go completely.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 19, 2018 at 1:05 pm

you can initiate after nc.. as of now be active in improving yourself and check the advises below:
How To Make It Through No Contact Period
How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

Melissa

February 16, 2018 at 10:00 pm

Hi EBR Team,

I had been in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for over four years. Throughout these four years of relationship, we have never really had a huge argument , just the minor ones over little patty things but we both always talk about it and get over it pretty quickly.

When we were going in to our third year relationship, things between us got really mundane. Everything was routine and both of us knew something was wrong but none had the courage to bring it up. I was afraid to lose him and he was afraid that he would never be able to find someone as good as I am. Since it was his first time being in a long term relationship (more than 2 years) he did not know if what he was feeling was because he’s has fallen out of love or it’s because we had just been doing everything repeatedly. There was no sparks in us anymore.

As time goes by, I tend to get more upset and upset and constantly giving out negative vibes to him which directly made us unhappy. I also find myself always reminiscing about the past like how we first got together but I am also contented with where we are right now, although things were pretty stagnant. But I’ve never brought this up because again I was afraid of losing him. He did tell me once that he is fine living the rest of his life with me like this as he is at a very comfortable stage but he does not know if two person being together was meant to be this way, could there be a possibility where the both of us could be happier. He also admitted he’s always prioritizing work and friends over me and he always feels bad and tries to make it up to me. He knows he has taken me for granted and feels sorry about it.

It was at the point where I thought probably moving up to the stage of life could change things. My objective in the relationship is to have a family, have kids of our own and build a home together. But since he’s at stage of confusion, he could not see himself getting married at this stage of life. He wants time to figure out and reflect upon what he really wants in this relationship. He said he loves me but isn’t sure what is he feeling at the moment, he’s just so confused.

We had this talk several months ago, but in the end we were both devastated to see each other being so upset that we agreed to work things out and put this aside. However we did not come out with a real solution and let the problem swayed at one side for the next few months.

It was up until last weekend that we brought it up over dinner and we had a huge fight over it. I was the one who brought up the topic but was too afraid to admit there is indeed a problem in this relationship and I kept pestering him into making a decision which left him really frustrated that almost pushed him over the edge of his limit.

The next day when we both calmed down, I wrote him an email spilling out all my thoughts and insecurities. I was being as transparent as I could, telling him my solution to the problem and my objective in life with him. In the end I told him I would give him the space and time he needs but I would also put a timeline for myself whereby if he doesn’t get back to me without figuring what he wants, I would let him go.

I thought he wouldn’t come back to me in a few weeks time but that very night itself he came to look for me and said he had broken down reading the email and that he all he wanted was to get back together with me but he knows if he does that and not solving the true problem, it will arise again. So we agreed to take a few months off to be separated with each other to reflect upon this relationship, to see if we would really miss each other. I was devastated because I always think if we were to take some time off he will eventually never come back. He said sorry for being so selfish but he was being encouraging and told me to look from a positive perspective where these few months of separation may well enable us to walk down to a longer road.

I can’t help but feeling that everything he said was just an excuse. That he really wanted to break this off but was too guilty as we have always been good to each other. And I am just so afraid that within these few months of separation, with us not contacting each other, he may just be gone forever.

I have started the no Contact rule, day 5 in it. Every part of my mind and body is asking me to get in contact with him but I know that would only drive him away further because he emphasized the need to have this separation to sort out his feelings. I had started writing a journal to reflect upon this relationship and what was the lessons to be learnt. I also have a mindset of treating this as a real break up and that we will never get back together and to plan out what I can do during my alone time and to detoxify from this long term relationship. I have unfollowed him on facebook and Instagram but did not unfriend him.

I still love him very much and miss him so much. Just can’t stop thinking if he has already moved on with his life. I am giving myself a one month no contact but don’t know if he doesn’t contact me by then should I look for him or just let this go completely.
Pari

January 5, 2018 at 8:56 am

Hello, my prob is I want my ex back but he dont want me and after doing everything he still ignoring me and my biggest prob is I dont have much time to do efforts to get him back bcoz he is moving to another ciry in 10-15 days so what should I do please help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 7, 2018 at 1:58 am

Hi Pari,

If you mean not doing nc because he’s moving, chasing him is going to make it worse.. Check this one:
I Want My Ex Boyfriend Back But He Doesn’t Want Me

Magdalena A Garcia

December 31, 2017 at 7:31 am

Reading all of these posts shows me even more how volatile my relationship was. We had a huge fight about once a month that caused us to break up and then we reconnected after a few weeks. Our relationship lasted about 3.5 years so that’s a lot of fighting and constantly breaking up. He was never one to reach out to me after I left. When I would contact him to pick up my things, ect. he would convince me that we still had a great relationship and that we would just associate when we wanted and wouldn’t when we didn’t want to. He would ask me out and one thing led to another…we ended up getting back together every single time. Our fights grew progressively worse and even dangerous. I had to call the police on him last time because he went into a rage.

It’s been 3 weeks since we have not heard from each other. I called him today and left a voicemail to ask for something I need that I left at his house. I haven’t heard from him at all. Last time I went to pick up my things at his house he refused to open the door and he said it was because he was afraid that I was trying to get him back and he didn’t want to fall for it.

I feel like he thinks my attempt to get my phone back from him is really just an attempt to get back with him. I know that it’s a horrible idea to get back together because of the type of relationship that we had and it’s clear that he doesn’t want to after reading everything above. I honestly gave up trying to get him back and don’t want to be with him. How can I know why he is ignoring me and won’t give my stuff back?

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 31, 2017 at 11:07 pm

Hi Maggie,

For me you should move on. If you really need your stuff and it’s important, get all of them at once. If not, just let them go. If he doesn’t want to give your important stuff now, explain to him why you need it because he might be thinking that if you really needed them why didn’t you get them way before?

daisy

December 11, 2017 at 4:48 pm

Hello.
so my situation is interesting. my ex boyfriend and i had that movie-status PERFECT relationship (of course we fought but for the good FAR weighed out the bad) that guy was ridiculously in love with me. he even told his grandma, “i know she’s the one.” suddenly he had new friends from college, all at least a couple years older than him. suddenly he wanted to do EVERYTHING with them and dress like them and just be like them. next thing i know, about three weeks before our one year, he tells me he’s no longer in love. we tried to fix it and genuinely thought it was okay. but then he began to prioritize friends over me and when i said something about it, he decided we need a “break” for a few days while he figures out what he wants. days turned to two weeks until i put my foot down and decided that since he couldn’t make a decision, i had to. so here i am, two weeks later, i feel like i’m dying. i removed him from all social media and told him we can’t be friends. we have spoken twice in the past two weeks and last night, he spent quite some time telling me how beautiful he thinks i am and when i said i missed him, he said he missed me too. at this point i really don’t know what to do, i just know that the two of us were meant for each other. help 🙁

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 13, 2017 at 1:20 am

Hi Daisy,

The no contact rule means you’re not going to initiate contact nor reply because you’re going to focus in improving yourself and being active in posting.. Your posts are you indirect way of showing you’re improving and not chasing.. If he didn’t answer to that text, restart nc and do it the right way and then after nc continue the new routine you’ve started while you slowly rebuild rapport.

Suman

December 1, 2017 at 3:20 pm

Hi..
My ex and I was in long distance relationship from 4years. We were family friends and our families knows about it. Earlier we were in same country but 2.5 years back he went to US for studies and got job there. We meet in every December for 4-5 times when he visit his home for vacations. But this distance never create any problem. Our relationship was very good and we always understood eachother. We were planning to marry and I decided to settle with him in US but I always use to get hesitated for settling there but seriously I wanted to settle in US…things were going normal..I was living in college hostel from last 5years so in month of JUNE when came to home I was not able to settle as I use to feel restricted all the time and on the other hand I started my own online business and that’s why I use to get irritated as I was not getting good response. On the other hand my boyfriend was not getting visa (now he have visa) so he was tensed regarding his job and repayment of loan which he took for his studies..for 2months i used to talk about careers and problems but he always supported me in my business and never shared his problems directly. And during this time he asked me that will I settle in US with him so that he came make plans accordingly and I said ‘no’ (believe me I don’t even remember when he asked this because things were going strange but i didn’t mean it and the only problem was my hesitation) after that he got tensed so much that he had to consult his doctor. He didn’t show anything till the end.. he always use to say ‘i love you and will always love you’ and after 1-2 days he said he wants to be alone for some time as he was messed up about his life plans. I agreed because I thought he is asking for some days but after that I got tensed because I never seen him in that situation as he was always been a very calm, caring, loving person and he never use to get irritated with me that’s why I started asking him what has happened to him and he use to get irritated and told me that he wants to be alone for some years and after that he will marry me..I got disturbed and behaved like a child that how can he do this to me. It happened for some days and I decided to agree to give him his own time. I did not contact for a month on phone call but I texted him twice and he replied very nicely.. after a month when I called him he said that when he asked time and I didn’t give him time but use to fight with him so in that period he lost feelings for me and now he does not have feelings for me so I should move on..in that conversation I just tried to test him and asked him very causually that “it’s means you will never feel love for me” for this he said “no it’s not like that his feelings may come after some time but can’t gaurantee ” (this gave me a hope)
After that I use to contact him and he gave reply every time but not frequently. Sometimes we talked on phone and first time he was talking very friendly and he discussed about his shopping which he has done for his friends wedding and this gave me more confidence so I started texting him regularly but after some time he said that i am trying to everyway possible to contact him. This made me angry. On this conversation I asked him to give a try again for our relationship but he said that he does not feel for me and it can’t come by forcing him. This happened on 17nov 2017 after that I decided not to contact him for sometime but on 23rd i send a picture of a guy to him by mistake (seriously it was a great mistake I was sending that picture to my sister’s boyfriend) on this text he immediately asked “who’s that” and I replied “I was not sending it to you” and he said “ok” . After this no contact between us.
I thought I will do no contact again and after NC will start talking to him but the main problem is that he is coming to our country after one year on 19 December for 15 days and I really want to meet him but how.. how to create a bonding. I don’t have time to go for “no contact” but in this period I am focusing on myself as well like doing my yoga practice and visiting new places and enjoying my life..
It’s around 8 days since I have not contacted him even indirectly…
please tell me what to do now he is coming after one year..

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 4, 2017 at 4:50 pm

Hi Suman,
That’s good that you’re actively improving yourself but how active are you in doing social media posts that just stays there unless you remove them?

Genevieve

December 1, 2017 at 6:16 am

I forgot to mention this, but he wanted a break of a couple of months. Not sure if that’s significant, but we are about to go on a 4 week winter break from college, and chances are I might end up seeing him because we are both from the same area and our parents’ houses are within 20 minutes of each other, not to mention my mom’s clinic (where I regularly volunteer at whenever I’m in town) is down the street from his parents’ house. And New Year’s Eve is the night we first met and he immediately pursued me until we began our relationship. I’m pretty sure that day is going to be a very emotional and reminiscing day for him, which may be a good advantage? I’m not sure how to react if I see him, especially if my NC days aren’t up yet. I calculated the 30 days would be over before Christmas.

EBR Team Member: Amor

December 4, 2017 at 4:45 am

Hi Genevieve,

How active are you improving yourself and in doing social media posts that justs stays there unless you remove them?

Genevieve

December 1, 2017 at 5:52 am

Hi
I had a boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and he broke up with me 3 1/2 weeks ago. We were long distance by one hour and have been since we got together. The day before we broke up, we were talking on the phone making plans for our anniversary trip (which he was excited about), and he said he wanted us to call each other more and Facetime each other. He talked to me about this business he is starting, and I told him to be careful and not keep his head in the clouds because he talked of some things that didn’t sound realistic. Next day, he suddenly came out of the blue to my place, and he was a bit drunk and cried to me saying he needed someone supportive, and mentioned how he was afraid we would end up like his parents (dont love each other but staying married). It broke my heart, because I didn’t expect this. The next day, we talked on the phone and he was crying and said he may have fallen out of love with me, but wanted to save our relationship because there was still love there, but he thought it would be best to take a break. A week later, he sounded so normal and happy, while I was miserable. He told me he fell out of love with me, and asked me to keep my boundaries and not get my hopes up by the end of this break, but he wants to still talk to me because I was important to him and am his best friend. He would be willing to try again at the end of our break, but only if he believed he still loved me. But I found this too weird and sudden, because surely there would have been signs that he didn’t love me. A week before the breakup, he kept initiating cuddle time and sex (which btw, he said felt more like a chore lately) and told me he doesn’t want me to go back and wish I could stay longer. Now he told me he was unhappy the past few months, but I never got a sense of that from him, so I have a hard time believing he fell out of love. His sister and best friend believed that he may be trying to figure himself out since he is a grad student and is about over with school, so I hoped its just a life crisis and he needed to think without me clouding his vision of the future. They also talked about his fear of ending up like his parents. We talked a few times since then, with me initiating the first couple of times and him the last one (thanksgiving), but I figured it would be best to do NC after all and haven’t spoken to him since the holiday even though it practically kills me so much. I don’t know how it is for him, but I am afraid he will convince himself he truly doesn’t love me anymore. He is one of those stubborn people who tries to make a decision and stick with it.
confused boo

November 30, 2017 at 11:15 am

hi.. i think me and my ex boyfriend is having a NC standoff.. but he told me before he went to a vacation with his relatives he said he can’t give me the time i need,, i did a 5 days NC, but he went here on the 6th day because he had a business thing with my mother,, i was devastated for the effort i made doing NC , he texted me abt how his cousin said abt me and the rest was history.. i am so confused .. what is really happening now?
please help..

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 30, 2017 at 8:37 pm

You mean he’s ignoring you? He’s not doing nc..because nc means not contacting for period of time while focusing in improving yourself and then rebuilding rapport after that to get your ex back… If he’s just not contacting you, that means he’s ghosting you..

Pri

November 20, 2017 at 4:01 am

Hi there. So my ex and i went on a break because he needed some space and i gave him a three week time period. The first Two weeks we hung out and talked every day. Then during the last week we don’t contact each other at all and he doesn’t contact me on the day of the deadline. I reached out to him two weeks later asking if we could talk and he agreed. We talked and he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now and I️ agreed. The next day I find out he told my roommates boyfriend something that I confidentially told him and caused them to break up. I tried contacting him but he didn’t respond. He finally decides to respond about three weeks later and I️t was a civil conversation. Then when I️ got a new job he snapped me congrats. After that there was a pregnancy scare and he was there to support me. A few days after I️ contacted him to express how I️ felt and he told me he doesn’t have feelings for me like he once did and he’s moved on. About a two weeks later I️ sent him a letter stating that I️ agree with the break up and that I’m sorry for everything that happened. I️ would love to talk to him but not right now because we both need some space. It’s been over a month since I️ sent the letter and it’s been 3 months since we broke up. Are there any chances he’ll contact me?

EBR Team Member: Amor

November 21, 2017 at 7:59 pm

Hi Pri,

The letter was good but he has to think that you’re really moving on and not contacting him to see if you and him can try again..how much did you improve and how active were you in posting?

Jessica

October 4, 2017 at 5:37 am

My ex and i broke up about a year ago after dating for almost 5 years, and we both have been seeing people pretty much right away… yet remained “friends”. He got a new gf right after we broke up and dated her for about 6 months. When he went through issues with his gf he would try to reach out to me and tell me how much he wishes i was happy…. After his breakup, I was there to support him when he reached out to me again as a friend and comforted him. I was with someone at the time, so it was implied that him and i would stay friends. However, this new relationship of mine was going sour, so during the summer I opened up to my ex about it. I guess I gave him false hope of us maybe being together in the future because he constantly talked about the potential future of the relationship we had and how we were so good for each other…subconsciously I agreed that we could work out (in future but needed some time to think things through)..Three months pass and i finally make a decision to break things with this relationship and finally let my ex know about my true feelings (for him)– since he had been contacting me to here and then to chit chat about random things (not relationship related). To my surprise, before i could tell him how i felt , he reaches out to me and reveals that he has found a new girl — who is exactly like me (from the same hometown, ethnicity, and same physical features)… When I tried to tell him how I felt for him and my current status, he claimed that he still “loves me” but he wants to see “other people” and “perhaps in the future we could be together”. He was firm that he wants to be with this new girl now and that he didn’t wanna be with me (“not now” he kept saying)… Does that mean he was trying to kindly let go of me? Should I move past him despite the fact two months ago he was desperate to get back with me? Why is his new gf a doplleganger of me, does that mean anything??? Please help. I am so confused and hurt …

EBR Team Member: Amor

October 5, 2017 at 7:11 am

Hi Jessica
Maybe because he has a certain type with girls.. Check this one:
My Boyfriend Says He Wants To Date Me and Another Girl

Lucy

August 26, 2017 at 7:42 pm

I have been trying to get my ex back for just over a year..this either means that I am doing something terribly wrong or I am not picking up on the clues that my ex isn’t interested.

Since the breakup, I have done no contact and then been in contact seeing him with mutual friends and really getting along. Things have just seemed stagnant at this level of enjoying each other’s company.

Over the past few weeks, things have actually been picking up for the two of us. I invited him to a gym class I thought he’d enjoy; he came, had fun, and we got ice cream afterwards and talked for 2 hours. He then experienced a death in the family and I reached out just to be a listening ear. During that talk, he shared some of the stuff he’s been going through and was really open.

He asked later on if he could try the gym class with me again; we went and had ice cream, but for a shorter conversation because I had to leave. For the last few months, he was waiting to hear back from a company about his job application. When he finally heard back, he texted our friend group and then sent me a personal message with his excitement.

I can’t tell where he is in this. I don’t want to just be his friend who is there to provide emotional support. It has also been a long time of me trying to get something going, so I don’t want to keep pursuing him if it doesn’t seem like he’s open to us again. What do you think?

Lucy

September 2, 2017 at 4:59 pm

Before you judge why I’m still friends with him, you need to understand that our friend group from college was the same and we all stay very close. Often times, we hang out all together and I don’t want to miss seeing my friends because of him. In order to still be with my friends, I can’t ignore him. I don’t know how, in that predicament, I can get him to look past just being friends with me.
EBR Team Member: Amor

September 3, 2017 at 8:28 pm

ok, but because you’re already friendzoned, in order to get out of it, you have to be less of a friend to him and create that space for desire. Just be civil with him.. It’s hard to say it in words, but to put it in perspective, you’re not going to create attraction if you’re always there as a friend and he just sees you as somebody who’s always there, and always being friendly.. Attraction and desire is tied with space, absence and value. In order for him to feel attracted, he has to see value and the need to commit because if he will not commit, he will lose you. Like, you know, he has to see you as somebody who’s attractive, fun to be with, has something extraordinary and he can’t get enough of but if he doesn’t do something to make you stay in his life, he will lose you. That’s why it’s called “ungettable” girl. If you’re always there or if you’re afraid to make him jealous, there’s a higher chance, that you will really just stay as friends.
Lucy

August 30, 2017 at 12:39 am

Well I was pretty aware that I was friend zoned a bit after no contact, which is why I tried it again. It just didn’t seem like the timing was right. I guess I was really probing on whether this new contact he’s been having with me was good..
I am not sure if trying to make him jealous is a good idea for him. When we were dating, guys who didn’t know me well would ask me out and my ex would feel like I deserved better (an excuse he made when he broke up with me). I reread the jealousy page, but don’t think that’s the best thing to do… what else can you suggest??
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 31, 2017 at 1:23 pm

I’m sorry I dont understand..correct me.if I’m wrong..if you’re frienszoned, and he’s not committing even if you’re not dating anybody else. That means you just want to stay friends and hope the situation will change?
Lucy

August 27, 2017 at 2:46 pm

I did 30 days two weeks after the breakup (circumstances led us to have to be around each other during those two weeks). There were other times during the first few months that I went ahead with 30 days again thinking it didn’t do anything the first time since he didn’t reach out and probably, then, wasn’t aware that I was doing it.
I have been making myself more like myself since the breakup and am confident in who I am right now. That, in my mind, is the whole purpose of doing no contact, so I haven’t seen the need to do it again. What do you think?
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 28, 2017 at 1:19 pm

That means you did nc a year ago? Since then you’ve been trying to build rapport? That means you’re more probably friendzoned by now.. Use jealousy tactics
EBR Team Member: Amor

August 27, 2017 at 1:46 pm

Hi Lucy,
when did you do no contact , how long did you do it?

Marta

August 14, 2017 at 8:37 am

Hi there, I’ve already posted on another article on this site before, but things have progressed over the weekend. Just wanted to say thanks for the prior feedback, and pose a different question. Sorry for the length – it actually is kind of therapeutic to write it out, so please bear with me haha.

So my ex and I had been dating about 8 months. It started off as long distance, which went on for 6 months from January, and we had a lovely relationship while in long distance. He flew to my city for two weeks in Feb, we spent Valentines Day together, he made me a photo frame. For my birthday he sent me a gold necklace and wrote a poem for me. He’s always seemed smitten. There was one hiccup about 4 months in, where he slept with another girl because I ended it with him (the long distance was becoming hard as there was no chance of us being together it seemed), but it hasn’t really changed things for me. I’m not the jealous type and pretty easy going, hence why long distance worked so well. Anyway, I managed to get an office transfer 2 months ago to his city, so I moved over to see if things would work. He always told me not to just move for him, but for myself as well. I wanted to step out of my comfort zone as I felt like I was lagging in my life a bit (I’m a 25 year old qualified lawyer, but haven’t been able to get a lawyer job due to the job market, so I was as a paralegal), so I felt like it was for me as much as it was for him.

Looking back on our relationship, I felt a lovely sense of comfort and a connection I’ve never felt with another person. I never obsessed over him or constantly wondered what he was doing. There was a great sense of trust, and we didn’t fight like I fought with my previous ex. We just had great rapport and are very similar people. However, as soon as I got here, I had to live with him and his family. I’ve been struggling with anxiety, depression and my self-image, and the confined space and having to constantly look nice for him (in my mind) made things hard. I didn’t want to come out of my room sometimes, and felt anti-social, even though it’s not me. For about a month we had a fight every week, just about how I was anxious and he would try to give me solutions, but I would dismiss him, believing he didn’t really understand me and just made me feel bad about feeling bad. We would always talk it out after our fights and say sorry. I felt we really learnt a lot about communication during this time, and I felt our bond grow stronger.

About a month ago, he tried to end it with me, because he said he wasn’t having fun. I was too anxious all the time, and I understood this, I felt it was fair enough. Except in the back of my mind, I wondered if someone that loves me would leave me just because I am in a bad emotional state, especially when I’ve just shifted my life. Anyway, I told him I would do my best to break out of this funk, and he agreed to keep seeing me, because he feels noone understands him or accepts him the way I do. The sad thing is, the day I landed in his city, he got news he would appear in a reality cooking show across the country. THE DAY I LANDED! He hasn’t had steady employment in a while, so this cooking show would be a good experience for him. I am genuinely happy for him, and he always told me him going away wouldn’t mean we would end.

However, as time has gone on, he ended it with me two weeks ago. He told me that he doesn’t want a relationship right now, with anyone, because he needs to focus on the show. He said that if we were more in love, then he would happily continue to be in a long distance relationship – but that’s not how he feels. He leaves this week. Last week I tried to institute no contact, and got several messages from him asking me to see him this past weekend. I felt like he was giving me mixed messages. I ignored him, but because I am in a foreign city and had nothing to do, I replied eventually on Saturday afternoon, saying I would like to see him. I had some of his sister’s things I needed to give back anyway.

So he picked me up. We had a fun night at his friend’s dinner party. Then on the way home, he started saying that his entire focus would be on this show – that that’s all he had in his life. I started to cry silently, and said “I want you to protect your soul above anything else – don’t do anything you don’t want to do’. And he got very mad. Once we got home to his, reality set in that we were over. And I just started crying. I couldn’t sleep all night. The next day, we slept together…then talked and he took me for lunch a last time. He repeated that he didn’t want to be with me right now, that it might change in the future, but right now it isn’t what he wanted. I had accepted it by then. It was a very amicable break up. We kissed and hugged and held hands and smiled at each other.

After that huge story – my question is, do you think it’s worth even trying to get this person back? He left me, even after I moved cities to try with him. My number one criterion for wanting to be with someone, is them wanting me back. I’ve never before wavered in this regard, when it came to him, but since I got here, I think I grew dependent on him because I had no one else. I feel like I possibly only want him because he wanted me. It just seems like on the whole, this was a good relationship. But now, he will be interstate again because of the show for about 2-3 months, then back to his home city. I’m going back to my city next week.

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 14, 2017 at 9:03 pm

You’re the one who knows what will make you happy.. We’re just here to help increase your chances of getting an ex back.. We only totally oppose on that if the relationship is abusive.. Other than that, it will depend on your standards whether you want to try or not.

Norielyn O'connor

June 10, 2017 at 11:52 am

I was with my ex for about a year before we mutually broke up last year. We broke up because we had different paths since it was a long distance relationship. At the time last year, he working on his masters stateside while I was still trying to finish my bachelors on our hometown. And I had thought about going to Korea or Japan for 1-2 years to teach and I thought our relationship could handle that but I realize I was wrong. My ex said he couldnt handle anymore long distance and he wasn’t sure if he could me being in a new place so we decided to break up mutually and be just friends. He told me if I was still single in the future then he would hit me up again. Fast forward to now, its almost been a year since we broke up. Though throughout our breakup we sometimes still text and talked to each other. I tried to do the NC but then sometimes he would randomly text me out of nowhere and ask me how I am. He still called me my nickname that he gave me during our relationship and he would try to help me find a job after graduation. Though I was scared to ask him if he would want to get back together since we seem to be doing just fine as friends but I miss him and I realize now I want to be with him. I want to move and be with him after I get my masters, I dont want to go to Korea or Japan to teach anymore. I just wanted to travel there now for vacation only. So the other day, we talked on the phone and we were having a good time catching up with everything. Then I asked him if he would want to get back together but he tells me he needs time to think things through. I know I’m supposed to give him space and time but then my insecurities got the best of me. I contacted him a day after but I told him he didn’t have to give me an answer anymore cuz I felt like I already knew his answer. He told me “Why do you need to have an answer right now?…This is the first time I have free time and no worries.” So I told him “I thought you liked to say things straight up?” He responded by saying “I know. But I need to process. You’re just springing this on me.” I followed up with “Let’s just be honest and not beat around the bush. I know you said you need time to think things through but I think you’re just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings. It’s obvious you dont want a relationship with me and you just want to focus on yourself and career right now. I know I sprung the question on you and its my fault. I just wanted to know if we can still have a chance of getting back together. I had plans to make things different and better this time around but I guess I was that naive to think we could have a chance of getting back together again.” His last response was “You’re not naive. Just need to figure out things on my end especially since I’m not going to be there.” After awhile, I pestered him for an answer but now hes ignoring my texts and calls. Should I still try with NC and then slowly re-establish a relationship with him? Or did I do too much damage already that can’t be undone now?

Norielyn O'Connor

July 31, 2017 at 3:39 am

Hi, it’s been at least 45 days since I’ve contacted him and I’ve been improving myself a lot during no contact. However, recently he messaged me this long message “So, I’ve been thinking about what you said. But I don’t want to. As much as I understand it took you a year to figure things out, it was very convenient for you to get that point. I wanted things to work out way before we broke up, but I don’t want to go back to the way things were were. I don’t want to keep thinking if I’m asking too much. Or keep thinking that I’m not giving enough. Sorry. It’s up to you if you want to be friends. I just can’t do long distance after all that’s happened. I can’t even appreciate/love/be kind to myself after all that’s happened between us,” on whatsapp about a week and half ago. I didn’t respond yet since it wasn’t 45 days yet. Now that’s it’s at least 45 days, what should I say or do now? Or is it really over now? I was doing fine during NC since I was focused on losing weight, having summer fun, and reconnecting with family members on a family vacation. Then he sent me this message.
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 31, 2017 at 4:35 pm

You can initiate contact now but ignore that message from..start a new topic..if he brings it up, just say ok,.no worries and then change the topic or go back to the topic before he brought it up. Be indifferent
Norielyn O'Connor

June 23, 2017 at 7:49 pm

Hi here’s an update, sorry I forgot to mention on my last post that I told him on my last message was “I don’t think I can still be friends with you if I still think we got a chance to be together again. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep waiting around for an answer, please don’t say you need some time to figure things out, it’s going to give me false hope.” Though I haven’t deleted him off my Facebook account cuz I’m afraid of really ruining my chances with him. He hasn’t deleted me either from his Facebook account. Did my last statement to him ruined my chances of getting back together with him? I haven’t talked to him since that day and I’ve been busy trying to improve myself again. I’ve started working out again, trying out new diets, getting back to my hobbies, pampering myself to home spa treatments, trying new things, and even trying out some casual dating for now. Though after I finish 45 days of NC, I’m not sure how to slowly build rapport with him again. How should I go about slowly building rapport with him again? Especially since the last thing I’ve told him was “I don’t think I be friends with you if I still think we got a chance to be together again.” Should I still try to slowly build rapport with him? Or is this a lost cause?
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 23, 2017 at 9:55 pm

what matters more is how you do during and after nc because he probably will realize you said those out of emotions. CHeck this ones:
What To Do After The No Contact Period
How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact
EBR Team Member: Amor

June 14, 2017 at 8:37 am

Try to finish at least 45 days and then slowly rebuild rapport while continuing to improve yourself

jp

June 5, 2017 at 7:10 pm

right before we split, he did something I had to leave cus I told him I would. But we were going to get married this time and were in the process of finding a place toegther. We both have been thru hell together….Im just wondering if this can work again/ we both want kids and a family and thats whats always got us to go back…

EBR Team Member: Amor

June 7, 2017 at 5:24 pm

I think you both just need to cool off.. and avoid saying things when angry

jp

June 5, 2017 at 7:05 pm

Im so confused….he thought I was talking to someone, we told each other off bad, and now I miss him even though I wanted to move on and didnt care. both times we did this before we fixed it…the first time he reached out to come back…second time I did….and rn, I cant even get thru to him. I am so torn…I let him know how I felt after about 4 months NC. I have really changed myself in that time. I hope he has…..Is he moving on? Last time he was with a new girl but still took m e back. I am losing hope tho….

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