Today we’re going to talk about a topic that many in the community have been clamoring for, why the heck do narcissist exes always seem to breadcrumb?

Really though we are combining two concepts together with this discussion.

1. That of the Narcissist: Someone who thinks so highly of themselves that they believe others are inferior. Often lacking empathy for their partners. I’d recommend checking this article out if you want to determine if your ex is a narcissist.
2. Breadcrumbing: A tactic used by exes does just enough to make you think they are interested in “re-pursuing” a relationship with you. To keep you on the hook, so to speak. However, usually that ex hasn’t decided whether they want to pursue you romantically just yet. They are keeping their options open.

Often what I find is that breadcrumbing seems to be a favorite tactic of narcissists in the post breakup period.

You are here to find out why.

I’m here to give you that answer.

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Why The Heck Do Narcissists Love To Breadcrumb?

Our journey first starts by understanding the narcissistic abuse pattern which is outlined in this very beautiful graphic below from Sur Thrive Tribe:

There are four stages to it,

1. Idealize
2. Devalue
3. Discard
4. Hover (I think they misspelled this in the graphic but it’s pretty so we can forgive.)

The Idealize Stage: Basically the point in time where the narcissist is showering you with gifts, adoration, love, attention, etc.

The Devalue Stage: The admiration that was once present is now gone, replaced with cruel tactics to devalue you as a human being. Cruel remarks disguised as jokes. Often this stage isn’t complete until the victim has lost most self-esteem.

The Discard Stage: The victims usefulness has ceased. They break up with you. Cut all ties. Find a new woman or man to replace you.

The Hover Stage: This is the attempt to draw you back in. Maybe their new supply (new woman or man) isn’t doing it for them and so they come back to old faithful and the best way to convince you to come back, well, that lies in the idealize stage.

Now, fundamentally my goal with Ex Boyfriend Recovery is to heal men and women. Therefore, I’m all about helping the victims caught in this cycle break out of it but more on that in a minute.

You are here because you are trying to figure out why narcissistic exes breadcrumb.

Well, there are really two answers to this and they are based on where you are in the cycle,

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist then likely they’ll be breadcrumbing in the devalue phase. This is because they are unsure whether or not they want to fully let the relationship go. So, while devaluing you they’ll have these little moments of doubt where they throw in a breadcrumb or two.

If the narcissist has broken up with you then likely they’ll breadcrumb in that discard phase. This is when they are deciding whether or not they can replace you. Just in case they can’t, guess what, you’ll be the back up.

Now, last year I spent most of the year furiously writing about avoidant attachment styles. So, when I was researching for this article and stumbled across the narcissist cycle above it sort of took me aback.

The horrible narcissist cycle looks eerily similar to my avoidant death wheel,

Could it be true that Narcissist = Avoidants?

I have found that this is NOT the case. However, no narcissist is considered as having a secure attachment. Instead, they’ll be insecure.

• Anxious
• Avoidant
• Fearful

And yet one look around our community and you’ll see many of our members misdiagnose their avoidant exes as narcissistic.

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Why?

Most Of Our Clients Misdiagnose Their Exes As Narcissistic When They Are Simply Avoidant

I’m actually going to pull from an article I wrote a few years ago when talking about how to truly spot a narcissist,

There is a difference between someone who simply has narcissistic tendencies and someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The fact that the term narcissist gets thrown around more than hashtags these days. The difference between having narcissistic tendencies and actually BEING a narcissist is the number of standard narcissistic tendencies that the subject displays.

But, who determines these standards? That would be the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or the DSM. The 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders lists the same nine criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) as did the previous version, published 19 years earlier.

These characteristics of Narcissists are as follows:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration [regularly fishes for compliments, and is highly susceptible to flattery].
5. Has a sense of entitlement.
6. Is inter-personally exploitative.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling [or, I would add, unable] to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty [rude and abusive] behaviors or attitudes.

But perhaps the best way to differentiate an avoidant from a pure narcissist is by looking at the one major difference between the two graphics I was referring to above,

Remember, with the narcissistic abuse cycle there are four main stages,

1. Idealize
2. Devalue
3. Discard
4. Hover

And with the avoidant death wheel there are eight main stages,

1. I want someone to love me
2. I found someone my troubles are over
3. I’m noticing some worrying things
4. I’m thinking of leaving
5. I’ve left the relationships
6. I’m so happy I left
7. I’m starting to feel kind of lonely
8. Why does this always happen to me

At a glance these two graphics appear in lock step but there is one major difference. Generally, as an avoidant is going through the death wheel graphic they aren’t going to exhibit the devalue stage in a harsh way, they simply become more distant towards the end of a relationship.

So, while it’s true that almost every narcissist is going to have an insecure attachment what you typically find is that they are especially cruel during the devalue stage.

Let me sum it up a bit better: If you put a true narcissist in the death wheel graphic above your “anxious side” doesn’t really trigger them in the same way it would an avoidant, rather, they devalue you, chew you up and spit you out. Showing no empathy along the way.

Understanding The Fact That Avoidants Can Have Narcissistic Tendencies

This to me is where I think most of our community makes a mistake.

They confuse narcissistic tendencies with narcissistic personality.

This may sound kind of ridiculous but if you actually look at nine characteristics of narcissists,

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration [regularly fishes for compliments, and is highly susceptible to flattery].
5. Has a sense of entitlement.
6. Is inter-personally exploitative.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling [or, I would add, unable] to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty [rude and abusive] behaviors or attitudes.

You might look at them and think,

Hmm… I exhibit a few of these.

EVERYONE DOES.

I mean, who hasn’t been preoccupied from time to time with fantasies or success and ideal love?

It’s human.

Where I think the misunderstanding takes place is that a narcissist is going to exhibit most of the tendencies on that list.

Most of us don’t lack empathy.

Narcissists do.

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Most of us don’t act arrogantly.

Narcissists do.

There is often no negotiation with them when it comes to that list.

And this leads us to the final point I’d like to make.

The Secure Way To Handle Narcissistic

One of the reasons that I love attachment theory so much is due to the fact that it can serve as a guiding light to not only understanding why exes act a certain way (and that includes narcissists) but it also serves as a guiding light on how to handle them.

I’d actually like to point to the devalue stage because that’s where the narcissist ends up doing the most damage.

Not many people really know how to handle that.

They think they do but when it comes down to it and it’s happening to them, they freeze up.

Ultimately, the devalue stage in a relationship is the equivalent to a hostile response from an ex after a no contact rule.

The advice on how to handle narcissistic behavior and hostile responses is the same.

1. Acknowledge The Behavior
2. Set A Boundary
3. Exit The Conversation

I’ll give you an example.

Let’s say that an ex texts you something incredibly rude. Something that is in line with the devalue stage in the narcissistic abuse cycle.

The correct way to respond to the text is this,

It appears you are angry. I’m sorry you feel that way, however I’m not going to allow you to speak to me that way. {Leaves conversation}

• Acknowledge The Behavior: It appears you are angry, I’m sorry you feel that way.
• Boundary: I’m not going to allow you to speak to me that way.
• Exit The Conversation: Exited the convo.

This simple formula only works if you can actually create the consequence of leaving and that’s the part everyone always messes up on. Narcissists tend to be drawn to people pleasers.

And creating a consequence is a very un people pleaser thing to do.

But do it you must.