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Michelle
October 18, 2016 at 12:19 pm
I have been with boyfriend for 1 and a half years. During this time my boyfriend has been going through a divorce with ex wife (who cheated on him and is now living with someone else), he had a heart attach (when I was with him), and his mother died (who was terminally ill), 2 weeks later. His job has been on the line. Also suffers with excess weight, which has affected his sleeping patterns. So overall a high degree of stress overall.
Despite this I felt our relationship was good. He had said I was a calm in a storm. And was always very affectionate when we were together, although a bit distant in company. I spent a lot of time with him socialising with his circle of friends and stayed over at his usually 3 or 4 times a week.
He recently has broken up by email with me, saying that he can’t give me the attention I deserve and can’t commit to a relationship at this time. He has thanked me for all the support and love I have given him, but I deserve better, and that he is sorry to do this to me.
I emailed back saying that just because he was going through all of these problems it wasn’t a reason to be breaking up. Also that it was up to me to decide what he was giving me in a relationship or not.
Also wrote how I felt about him and asked to meet up in a few days and really talk.
He emailed back 2 days later saying that my response overwhelmed him but also made him feel touched. Said he can’t commit to a relationship and needed space to sort his head out. To respect his space and that he would be ok.
I went to his house 3 days later and he told me what had been going on (much of which I knew about). I told him I didnt want to break up, and he said to give him a couple of weeks to get things sorted.
Now Im thinking that he is just going to tell me the same thing in a couple of weeks. He knows what he has with me. He has told me he loved me before, and also asked what do we do? Do we sell the house and buy a place together? Last year he emailed me all of his finances and also emails between his and ex wifes solicitors keeping me in the loop on things. Also that perhaps one day we could live together.
I feel he is scared of committing. Im not sure its to do with the relationship. I have never pressured him, although we both agreed to take things slowly. I have told him I would like to settle down with him though.
I am now giving him space. What should I do for the best, and whats my chances. I love him in a profound way.
Thanks.
Michelle
October 20, 2016 at 8:00 am
Thanks for your response Amor.
I am giving him space for now (no contact), but do you think I have a chance of getting him back? I can be patient, even though its so hard.
What if he calls me in a couple of weeks which he said? It would be 14 days since Ive given him space? Would I be best to do NC from there or speak to him. Im worried that he is still feeling negative and says that its over then, with the pressure of everything he is going through.
Thanks very much
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 21, 2016 at 9:29 pm
nope..that would mean you have to ignore that call.. Yeah, I do think you have a chance..juat let him do this on his own for now
Michelle
October 19, 2016 at 1:22 pm
Further to this, its his birthday at the end of October. While he has said he will call me in a couple of weeks, I think he was flustered at the time, and was just fobbing me off. Couple of weeks is his birthday weekend.
Im thinking of no contact now (and this is day 4). I was planning on not contacting him on his birthday as part of no contact, but am just wondering what I should do if he contacts me in a couple of weeks like he said he would. Part of me is scared that he is going to say thats it over again. I think he is breaking up with me to prevent himself from being hurt. Either that or does he still have feelings for his ex wife. Going through a divorce settlement now. He says he hates her and wants her out of his life? But does he really…
Any advise would be really gratefully appreciated. Thanks x
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 19, 2016 at 10:47 pm
Hi Michelle,
You have to give him space.. as he said, let him sort his problems out. I think he chose to fix his life first, to focus on it instead of trying to maintain a relationship while trying to go through a divorce and trying to cope with grief..
Yes, it hurts because it looks like you’re not a priority but if you think about it, he could have chosen a different approach.. He could have just used you as an emotional crutch or somebody to dump his negative emotions on..but he didnt do that.. he chose to handle this like a man..
but if he is still in love with his ex, then this is still a blessing in disguise with you, because would you want to be in situation that he’s keeping you as back up or his girl on the side..no, right?
or maybe you’re thinking that why can’t he just let you be there as his confidant in all of this? Like a wife? honestly that’s hard because he’s just feeling overwhelmed right now, more likely keeping you as a confidant means you’re going to be his venting go-to person..
Violet
October 16, 2016 at 4:16 am
Hi Chris. I just got dumped today and thankfully I bought your guides after my last break up so I immediately refrained from responding after I got dumped BY TEXT MESSAGE this morning.
Anyway, I know he did it to protect himself. He’s always tried to not show emotion to people because he prefers to protect himself on a regular basis. Now, my question is if he doesn’t show emotion in texts (but he was sweet in person during the relationship) how can I identify the positive texts from the neutral responses when I break no contact? And if he’s the type of person to not often reply to texts at all, how can I know whether he’s ignoring or being neutral?
Violet
October 22, 2016 at 10:22 am
I read the link you mentioned. Very useful but unfortunately we were only together for 4 months so it’s difficult to find a strong memory to pull positive memories of me. How long should I do no contact?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 23, 2016 at 1:01 pm
do at least 30 days..that’s ok..just use whatever memory you have or anything that relates to it
Violet
October 18, 2016 at 10:01 am
Thanks so much, Amor. I’m sure trying my best to have self worth and self esteem. It’s a long journey.
Do you have advice on my other question? He often seems neutral in texts. How should I go about breaking no contact next month if he doesn’t communicate well over text or phone?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 19, 2016 at 9:46 pm
Oh sorry..I forgot that.. check this for a first contact text:
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message
if he doesnt reply, rest for a week before trying again.. if he doesnt reply again, rest for two weeks before trying again.. If he doesnt reply, that means you have to move on..
You have to choose an interesting topic for him, because if he doesnt reply, that just means he’s not interested.. whether he’s texter or not, if he’s interested he would reply…
Violet
October 16, 2016 at 4:24 am
I forgot to add my second question. He dumped me because he saw my true colours. It’s not easy to be with someone who has depression and he only focuses on my few bad days and forgets all my good days. All my past relationships have ended because of this. I’m seeking help and I’m improving all the time.
The question is, how can I get him to see me in a good light again? Do you have advice on the psychology of seeming more positive in his mind?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 17, 2016 at 4:51 pm
Hi Violet,
I hope you dont mind my take for now.. I’m not a psychologist but for him to see the change you have to change genuinely.. Yes, depression is not cured with just a click, but you’re human, you have awareness.. That means you will notice it every time you feel that way. Adress it, acknowledge it, and then choose to do things that will help you get out of it even if you don’t feel like it…Instead of just staying in your bed, go out and walk… think in action because it does help…
because let’s face it, if that has been a constant problem in all your relationships , you have to find a solution around it..
It doesn’t mean you’ll ignore it, but find a way to make it for you and the people around you… Don’t reward feeling depressed by doing unhealthy things like eating unhealthy food or whatever… Choose healthy habits when you feel sad…It will be hard but it’s not impossible.. You have a choice.. Don’t have over your power by letting what you feel always get in the way of your life…
Katie M
October 1, 2016 at 7:48 am
Hi. So my boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago. We’ve been together for 3 years, since the start of university and we were somehow living together already. A lot of things have happened to us throughout the relationship. I caught him flirting a couple of times and after that I just became very moody and short tempered and I would be jealous if I felt that he had more fun with his friends than me. So basically, I wanted him all for myself. A few months ago, we got into a really big fight because of my attitude and we broke up but I begged him to stay with me. He said that he really didn’t want to anymore, but he thought we could make it work. Now, he said he’s been unhappy for the longest time and he isn’t comfortable around me anymore. So that was why he broke up with me. He told me that he needed to heal alone for a few months so I shouldn’t try to contact him or anything. He said we still have a chance to be together in the future. Is this something a guy would normally say for the breakup not to hurt too much? This was my first relationship and I’m really confused.
Thanks! x
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 4, 2016 at 10:06 am
Hi Katie,
you became clingy because you made your world revolve around him.. which is common for a first time relationship.. do you still live together and are going to do the no contact rule?
JC
September 30, 2016 at 6:35 pm
I’ve been dating this guy the past year….and he’s been going through a divorce as well. Its coming down to separation of the Business / House… and I know he is totally stressed out about losing everything. We’ve been exclusive with one another, and off/on in relationship a few times. Finally, I got frustrated with his running hot and cold, especially in last month, and the constant complaining about his life, ex-wife… and I have been very understanding and patient… but comes a point where you thing “what about me”? I recently had surgery, and became I admit, a little more needy, and most boyfriends I would think want to see you and be with you more… my guy talked to me a little, but I hardly saw. He started acting distant… so I asked if he was seeing someone, and I do suspect he’s been online or maybe seeing someone on side… as his behaviour was so distant as said. So we had an argument, and he’s now not speaking to me. How do I get him back, and none of this off/on… or should I just “run”? Or is he protecting himself? Its been 7 days since we spoke, and I emailed him a few days ago asking him if he would like to talk things out as I love him, and got the response of “I don’t know, I need to take care of myself”. “And I’m very depressed”. I haven’t been calling him nor texting, Will 30 days NS work? Or is this just wanting too much too soon? Appreciate some guidance here.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 3, 2016 at 12:39 pm
Hi Jc,
there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it’s obvious that he sees you as one of the stressors in his life.. more demands, or talks will not help.. Either you really give him space or you move on
Kris
September 23, 2016 at 1:44 pm
Please help. My boyfriend broke up with a month ago. We had been friends for 5 years before we became a couple a year and half ago the week he got divorced.We took things incredibly slow and fell in love 3 months into our courtship. We live an hour apart and daw each every weekend. This arrangement worked for us both bc I still have children at home and he has commitment issues. Everything had been beautiful until 3 months ago. 2 things happened. His father became gravely ill and he got me a job where he lives so I was staying with him 5 days a week. He became increasingly snippy and cold. I didn’t know if it was bc of his dad or me being there so much. Well his dad passed and he didn’t have me fly to RI to go to the funeral with him. I was crushed. I went out with a group of friends where I live and got drunk. An ex brought me home. I told my bf about it the next morning and he was furious. 2 weeks later he snapped at me again and we had a fight. In public. This has never happened to either of us before (we are in our 40s). He broke up with me the next morning. He said it was the last straw. I can’t tell if he did this bc of his grieving for his father or the commitment issue. I’m crushed. He’s since blocked me on fb bc he said it hurts too much to see my status updates but it’s only temporary and wants to be friends again eventually. Do I have a chance getting him back? I’ve been trying the NC rule and will last 5 days at a time.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 24, 2016 at 12:40 pm
Hi Kris,
well, nc supposed to be one blow.. like straight 21 days is the shortest. how many times have you done 5 days nc?
Ann
September 3, 2016 at 11:18 pm
Hi there. So I’m obviously here because my boyfriend broke up with me. We are both 18 and just went to college. We were talking completely fine all week, talking about me visiting during Christmas, he even said he couldn’t wait to see me and everything. The day he broke up with me we messaged like usual, the conversations was normal, we even video chatted that day. Then a few hours later he messaged me breaking up with me, unfriended me off of Facebook, changed his relationship status and profile picture (we both had profile pictures of us together), and took me off of PSN. I’ve been on the No Contact rule for a week now, and I am trying to go strong, but it is definitely tough. I messaged one of his friends asking if he heard anything and apparently he told him that it wasn’t working out between us and that the relationship had run its course. Obviously I want him back, and I hope he will talk to me after implementing the 30 no contact, but I always think of the what ifs. Any advice?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 4, 2016 at 9:36 pm
Hi Ann,
How long were you together? I’m assuming you’re in ldr. How long have you been in ldr. And… you have to restart the count. Start it the day after you asked his friend. I do understand that you have to ask of course, but you have to restart the count after that and then start focusing on improving yourself now.
Luisa
August 30, 2016 at 2:47 pm
Dead Chris and team. My boyfriend broke up with me after our second time we’ve been together. We’ve been together 3 years now and back then 2,5 with a 2 years break. The break up now is quite similar to the one back then. Once I had anxiety before an exam and he left me afterwards. This time I moved to Switzerland 6 months after him and began to work as a doctor and it was stressful and he had the feeling to have to lift me up all the time while I was cranky that he went away on my first free weekend. He broke up out of the blue for me while I was completely overworked and without any sleep. after 4 weeks that I came to the country (we live in separate towns though) now he is dead cold to me and said right from the beginning this time he does not want to start over. But for me the reaction is so extreme after 7 years and me giving up everything (while being needy I admit) that i wonder can this be real? He came back once before. He said he has nothing to say to me anymore and when I went to pick up some my things last time (my whole household is in his cellar until we planned to move in together in 6 months) he was so mean to me and did not talk to me at all, and maybe I made a mistake in even trying to talk. I’m really trying to show him that I can make it on my own but of course I wish our future would still be there, after I left my country for him..what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 31, 2016 at 1:40 pm
Hi Luisa,
do 45 days no contact and just focus in having your own life and getting the balance back.
sophie
August 29, 2016 at 12:05 pm
Hi,
I was dating my boyfriend for two years we started talking about marriage and he was terrified, he finally started coming around discussing venues, living arrangements so I decided to ask to go ring shopping just to browse he text me later that day telling me I scared him. he became extremely distant after that and two weeks later confronted me by saying I lack emotions and that despite being the perfect girl something is missing.so its coming up to a month since I implemented the no contact rule but he hasn’t contacted me at all during this period. Do I have a chance of getting him back? Some of my friends claim he’s not over his ex who he dated for a decade before we got together but he hasn’t been in contact with him.
Sophie
September 2, 2016 at 6:45 pm
Apologies his last message wasn’t about marriage He just messaged sayn hi and asked me how I was and that he really wanted to reach out to me. What shall I message him after the no contact period has finished?!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 3, 2016 at 9:13 am
start with a topic that he loves talking about.. check this article on how to text:EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message
Sophia
August 30, 2016 at 3:03 pm
Hi amor,
Were both 27 and all our friends are married.i am on day 20 of no contact and I finally heard from him yesterday but didn’t reply.i agree about the rushing but I stopped talking about it and he started talking about marriage and venues so I don’t know what to do.shall I reply or maintain no contact and how should I re contact him
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 31, 2016 at 1:40 pm
his latest message is about marriage? what did he say?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 30, 2016 at 8:58 am
Hi Sophie,
are you actively improving yourself? how old are you both? He doesnt want to get married yet, and I think he thinks you’re rushing him
Christina
August 26, 2016 at 2:31 am
I’ve been in a LDR with the love of my life for the last 3 years. We have had issues in the past of him judging my past, the time before we were together, which created some trust issues but he knows that I have been faithful the whole time we have been together. We’ve worked very hard together to get through these and I thought we were. 2 weeks ago I was on a business trip and I was drugged and ended up with a concussion and do not remember what happened to me. I lost my purse which had everything in it. Because of this i was not in contact with him for 8 hours and he was literally terrified that something terrible had happened to me, which I completely understand. Once I got into contact with him he was relieved and we were able to talk and I could tell he was so scared. He says that after that he became terrified that he could love someone so much that they would make him feel that way and he never wants to feel that way again. After a week and half of him being back and forth we finally made some headway and it seemed like we were on a good path and then on the 3rd day he blew up and told me that he just wanted to be done (knowing him i think that he’s just tired of discussing). He then reveled something that blew me away. He told me that in his anger after finding out I was ok he went out and had drinks and got another girls phone number who he was just friendly texting but nothing inappropriate. He has never done this and he said that it scared him that combined with being terrified that this incident would bring him back to square one with his trust issues and make him feel it’s ok to go out and do this to me. He also told me that he has a ring and was going to propose next month until this happened (we had plans for him to move to be with me). He had originally asked for a break before saying he wanted to break up and I suggested that we take a week to cool off.
This has been one of the hardest things I have ever done and I do not know what to do and who to turn to. I have one of your books and have been watching your videos and I just need to know what to do because I do not want to lose him. We are supposed to talk in a few days. Please help me!
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 30, 2016 at 5:51 am
Hi Christina,
have you talked?
Kara Hodges
August 23, 2016 at 4:29 pm
We were dating for 6 months. We met through our circle of friends. He said he loves me but that he isn’t in love with me and that he isn’t ready for a relationship. I’m the first woman who has ever loved him and that he’s loved, so he says. I’m 31 and he is 26. He says I’m all woman and he is not yet a man. I’m a pretty strong tough woman, but today is hard for me. I’m doing the NC rule, but he text me 6 days later, “Hey, I hope you are doing ok.” I have not responded. He has a lot of insecurities, and I think the pressure of having to be this “type” of man that he thinks I need and want is too much for him. He has a lot of family problems and he just lost his job so he is going through a really tough time. I thought by me being there for him he would appreciate that, but I think it just pushed him away. I’m trying to work on myself, but I can’t help it, I love him and want to be in each other’s lives. He wants to stay friends, but I just can’t. It makes it hard since we have the same circle of friends. Maybe one day we can be friends, but right now I’m still trying to get over the loss of him. Do you think I have a chance?
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 27, 2016 at 2:14 pm
hi Kara,
yes, because you have the right mindset… that’s right..heal first and let him be, so that you dont get friendzoned
Ampy
July 3, 2016 at 9:45 am
Good day.
I have been reading your articles and even purchased your books online. Yes, they did help with making me feel better.
I just wanted to know what is happening between me and my ex from your perspective and what i can actually do.
You see, my ex was my best friend. I was his first girlfriend. He was my third. He courted me for about a year and a half. I was afraid to go on a steady date with him because i didn’t want our friendship broken but eventually i fell for him and we dated. Our relationship lasted for almost 9 mos. There were some misunderstandings along the way but we were able to somehow iron things out.
After my birthday last May 31, we had a big fight. He had some trust issues with me. No matter how much i proved to him that i wasn’t cheating, he would not believe me. Until eventually, he broke up with me. He told me that he could not handle my pride and the guys that “followed” me. For him, he felt cheated, he felt i was abusing the chances he was giving me, and a lot of other reasons. Honestly, i begged him to stay. I begged him for another chance. I absorbed all accusations even if they were not true. I removed all the pride i had just to show him that i wanted him to stay. Well, he did. He was sweet and told me he still missed me and loves me. Until after three days, he just stopped. I tried to contact him by calling or texting, i could not reach him. I tried sending him a message in FB, he was ignoring it. I tried to ask for help from our “friends” but for some reasons have sided with my ex. They told me a lot of hurtful things and i just absorbed it. I didnt bother explaining to them because i saw how close minded they were. It made them really mad. They decided that we have a group call to clear everything out. During that phone call, i was told a lot of hurtful stuff including my ex. He didnt stand up for me. It was really painful. Until i heard him say, “im sorry, im giving up on you. I cannot trust you anymore. We can stay as friends.” I declined the offer as friends and told him i could not see him just as a friend because i love him. Eventually, the call ended. The morning came, i discovered that my friends blocked me. He did not block me yet. And then i learned that he posted in FB something really bad about me that actually hurt my mom too after seeing it so she talked to him to erase the post. He erased it.
When i was so depressed, i saw your articles and decided to purchase your books. I have been reading them. I decided to do the no contact rule last june 22. On june 27, when my best friend and i went to go somewhere out of the city, i learned that he blocked me already. It was really painful. My best friend had been posting pictures of us as we travelled. When i told my best friend to take a peek at his profile, i saw that he posted the single status. I do not know why. And then this morning, my best friend told me that she was unfriended too by my ex. Even my sisters were blocked too.
i do not know what is going on inside the mind of my ex right now. Yes, i still want him back despite the painful blows. I decided to restart my NC again last june 30. I am confused and in pain. I want to understand what’s going on inside his head.
Please do respond to this message. I will find it a really big help. Please.
Thank you and more power to you.
Thank you for helping people like me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 4, 2016 at 6:54 pm
Hi Ampy,
what did he mean by the guys that follwed you? were there any comments or any other interactions with guys that he finds offensive? what could have been something thag even your friends would think wrong for you to do as a gf?
Kris
June 26, 2016 at 8:03 am
Hi. I am really so lost right now. I REALLY HOPE YOU GIVE IT SOME TIME TO READ THIS. I bought the ExBfProRecovery, heck I even bought the Texting Bible and listen to your podcasts (thats how desperate I am and how I believe in your game plans so much) but I’m kind of losing hope due to the reason of the breakup. My ex bf broke up with me because of insecurities and he has some kind of trust issues. I am a single mom now who was in an abusive relationship (with my ex husband). Now, after my ex husband and I broke up. A few months after that, my ex bf and I got into a relationship. He knows all about my past relationship with my ex husband. About the abuse and financial struggles. So anyways, the reason for the break up were these: 1-He can feel that my mom is still in favor of my ex husband. (It was my daughters bday party and he felt left out) He’s hurt because he thinks I’m not doing anything about the situation about my mom still being in favor of my ex husband. (He’s also insecure that my mom want’s a Doctor for me.. my ex bf is a nurse) 2- He said he still thinks I’m still into my ex husband because I still get affected when I argue with him (well of course I’m affected..financially but not emotionally. idk why he does not understand that. 3-He said that our relationship revolved around my ex husband because we only get to date and have quality time when my ex Husband gets the kids. 4-He has this trust issue with my past co worker that he thinks I had a “thing” with. until now that we’ve broken up 3 months ago. he still brings it up. I assured him a million times that there was no “thing”. He said that my mom has a different story about this issue (my mom was somewhat close to my coworker and he opens up to my mom) 5-He’s insecure because I have already finished a higher profession than him while he’s still working on his. I know this is so complicated. But I really love my ex boyfriend. I really believe that we can be something great. we’ve always believed in that from the start. I dont know what happened. He said with all the insecurities, he kept the hurt bottled up inside him. Now we had this one big fight while he was out of the country. He said that all those bottled up feelings crashed down on him and he just blew up. and when he got back I picked him up from the airport thinking that we were already okay. we even slept together that night. But he started becoming cold. In addition, He was also so stressed with finding a new job and bills and school. So I was trying to give him sometime to recover from the trip. But I couldn’t take it anymore that I feel there is something wrong so I confronted him.. That’s when he broke up with me. He said he needs time to find himself. To finish his priorities especially with his profession. We were together for a year, the relationship was great. He said he’s happy. it’s just that the pain that he felt from that number 1 reason is just too much for him. He also said that he has fallen out of love for me. He tried to fight for it but the pain is too much already. It’s been 3 months now since the breakup. He said he is still healing and still working on himself. When we broke up, he asked if I could still be friends with him, more of a bestfriend. I agreed because of the desperation to be able to still be with him somehow. He said he really treasures what we had and wants to keep me in his life no matter what. He just can’t continue with the relationship anymore. I really love my ex and I can still feel even the slightest love from him with how we are now. (We still act like how we were in the relationship when we hang out just with limits, it’s like we never broke up, we hang out almost everyweekend since the breakup). If I had known about the NC rule earlier. maybe it’ll be different now. The first month of the breakup I pleaded and begged until he almost blocked me, now I sent him a message saying that I would be gone for a while. (I didnt know about NC yet, I just couldnt take the pain and that he’s ignoring me and blowing me off) . until one week later on Mothers day he texts me. We started being FWB. I know. I really wish I had seen your website earlier. When I came across your site, I somehow had some hope of getting him back. But I am completely lost how to start, I have been trying to do NC on and off I fail every weekend. I am even deleted on all social media (he got upset I’m ignoring him so he deleted me in all. his reason was so he can’t see what I post–cause Ive been posting fun things) I am starting to lose hope again because of the fact that I was already kind of moving on until he talked about the break up again and said he’s still hurt. Do you think with his reasons for the breakup we can still get back together if I follow your book?? And also, sometimes he still acts like a bf, like asking where I’ve been, time I went home, who I was with. He keeps checking with me if I have suitors already, sometimes he jokes about it sometimes he asks seriously. But sometimes he would talk about how life would be having separate lives with new relationships. his concerned if we can still hang out like how we used to. Getting mixed signals here.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 27, 2016 at 9:52 am
You have to be strong in no contact because the more you restart the less it’s effect. You should be strong in it because you have more of the reason to do it since he knows how much you love him and that you’re just there available when he needs you.
Kris
June 26, 2016 at 8:10 am
Oh by the way, when I was pleading, he asked before if I want to continue the relationship but he can’t promise to give me him self 100% cause he’s still hurt. I refused cause I don’t want to be unfair on myself. sometimes I wish I agreed. But I think we won’t be happy. Anyways, since he’s been talking about feelings lately and I dont want to talk about it. I asked if we can have some time off from each other for now. I hope that was a good move. and then maybe start the NC 30 days? you think it will workout? Really need some kind of hope here to continue. hehehe.
J.A.
June 15, 2016 at 4:01 am
Hi,
I’m recently divorced after a pretty awful 10 yr marriage. My divorce has been incredibly difficult and high-conflict. It’s been one of those hard-to-believe jaw-dropping disgusting divorces.
I also have an 8 year old daughter, and while I meet a lot of men, and get plenty of attention, I just really haven’t been feeling like I needed to be dating right now.
But, I did meet someone that I actually liked. I was open to getting to know him better and seeing where things went. I was direct and honest. He seemed to be coming from the same place. We had a lot of fun together, and there were no “shoulds”.
But here are some of the red flags:
First, he is only a year younger than me, but his longest relationship in the last 5-6 years is like 9 months. So, I know that’s a warning right there.
I slept with him on the first date, which I had no intention of doing, total rookie mistake, and I was not ready for it. He was pushy, and I kinda feel that a guy that respects the girl he’s with, wouldn’t have pushed it. But I’m an adult, so I own my choices.
The next day we had made tentative plans, and while he kept texting me all day he never got back to me about the plans, so I was done. Inconsiderate and disrespectful. For me this was over. But he kept reaching out to me, apologizing, saying it was a misunderstanding, etc. for the next 2 days until I finally gave him another chance. So we went out again a few days later and I told him I needed a do-over and needed to make it home to sleep in my bed that night. That I had really great time last time, but I wasn’t ready for that.
We went out a few more times with no sex.
And then after that, the next 2-3 times I saw him we ended up meeting later in the evening, and then going back to his place and I’d spend the night.
He was kinda weird with plans, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Making plans with him was just a little too much work.
We were only dating for maybe 2 months, and I have my daughter every other weekend, but I never saw him on a weekend. That’s weird to me. He was texting me a lot, (I know-classic player) and then he kinda faded out. And I don’t really like or care about texting…it’s kind of unmaintainable, but, I can’t help feeling like he was trying to get me to walk away. And I can’t tell if he was pulling away bc he wasn’t that into me, and I just rejected him before he rejected me, or if I’m the one that really ended things.
Even writing this, it seems so obvious he was playing me. But I’m struggling, bc it was so new, and I’ve been through so much with my divorce, that when he was sketchy with plans, I didn’t get mad, I just walked away bc I wasn’t gonna tolerate any of it. And he kept chasing me and wanting to keep things going.
After 2 months or so, I just felt like I was making the effort to work with his schedule, and he wasn’t making the effort to work with mine. So I told him “no hard feelings, I just didn’t think we were coming at this from the same place. That I was trying my best to get to know him better and that he was making it really hard for me. Wished him well and maybe I’ll see him around”
He said he that he “really genuinely” liked me. That it was just bad timing for both of us. He was a bit selfish and thought I could work around his schedule. He didn’t want me to feel I was changing my way to do things his way. That he had such a great time with me. That I was true sweetheart. It was so much fun. That he really liked that I was so direct and honest, that it brought out the best in him cause it made him open up. That hopefully he’ll see me around.
Then I found out after I broke it off, that he’d been dating someone else at the same time I think (he brought someone to his sister’s destination wedding-I don’t know the exact story, if he planned to bring her before he met me or what, but I was totally jolted, it made everything that happened feel like bull-shit). I asked him about it, I wasn’t crazy or anything. He just said she wasn’t his girlfriend.
I told him that was semantics and that he got to have information that I didn’t get to have with respect to making choices about things, and that I was hurt.
He again said that a lot of things I said were true and he respected me for being so honest and he liked that a lot.
We weren’t exclusive, I’m not mad that he was dating someone else. I’m only upset if he was really just playing me, and I can’t tell. If he really liked me would he have kept dating someone else? Wouldn’t he try to talk to me now or explain what happened?
If he really wanted to date me would he say it was bad timing when I said I was trying to get to know him and he was making it hard for me? Or was he respecting me by walking away?
If it was bad timing why would he have chased me in the first place? If he was just playing me, why would he say all those things to me after I’m telling him I don’t want to go out with him anymore? None of this makes sense to me.
I liked him, but I’m definitely not going chase someone or settle.
So why am I hung up on some guy I dated for a such a short time?
I got married so young, I missed the whole dating thing.
Thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 17, 2016 at 9:24 pm
Hi J.A,
because you’re in the honeymoon period.. that’s good that you don’t want to chase.. if he is serious with you, he’ll prove it
Alva
June 14, 2016 at 11:33 pm
Hi Amor, my boyfriend broke up with after 2 years. 2great years together. We moved in together the last 5 months because my family had to move to another city so I wanted to stay with him and finish school. We then went from being super happy to fighting a lot (we’re 17, way too young to move in together, right?). We fought about money and responsibility. His father then got mad and picked a fight with me because he thought my ex’s grades became lower and lower. He thought that we were too young and that we payed to much rent for this small apartment and so on. And my ex really hates fighting so I really think that’s the reson he broke up with me. Because he just couldn’t deal with all the fighting and especially when his father also started it. He broke up with me 5 months ago and he also told me that everything would work out if my family moved back from Stockholm. Which my family now has and he said it was too late when we talked about them moving back.
Anyways, I tried the no contact rule and then when I was supposed to text him again it was really good, I texted him that he should watch a great serie. He answered in a really positive way and like 2 or 3 hours later he asked me if it was ok for him to drop by and give me my jewellery back. When we had a fight after the breakup he said that he didn’t like me and that I wasn’t invited to his 18th birthday party, so I went to his house and left the jewellery. So he came by and then asked me if I wanted to “go for a ride”. So we did, and we drove around the city for 3 hours talking non stop about everything. He even told me that I started to look like myself again and that he missed me. I then got a little carried away and confused by all of this and then invited him over a few day later. I told him that I really had grown after all that has happened and I know that I really screwed it ALL up. But he told me that he was going to think about it, so it wasn’t a disaster. But now I want to start it all over and I think it’s working. I feel like I’m getting him a little confused by this, he showed up at a party I was at this weekend. No friend of his was there, and on our way down to the town lots of guys gave me attention. Which I think is good right? When they realize that other people want you… Anyways, what do think? Do I still have a chance?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 16, 2016 at 5:53 am
Hi ALva,
Yes, I think you have a chance you just have to continue improving and take it slow.
Heather
May 12, 2016 at 12:02 am
My boyfriend broke up with me via text message 7 weeks ago. Prior to that time, he had expressed lots of love and long term commitment. It has been difficult to get a reason out of him. Things he has written suggest that he broke up, in large part, due to fear. He wasn’t as certain of my unwavering long term commitment. He has some things going on with his life right now that made him feel less good about himself. He was married 10 years ago, she left him for reasons that could align with his current problems. He says he feared that given his situation and his perceived uncertainty in my long term commitment, he was scared I would be disappointed and hurt him. His behavior in these 7 weeks is more like indifference or disdain but he has continued to claim his love was real and that he has even used the present tense of love on occasion. I am frustrated. Regardless, he is adamant that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me. The no contact rule is really hard to implement for me. I don’t like games…and I was committed. Logically, it would seem I would just need to reinforce that fact through both words and behavior but that isn’t working. Does the NC rule apply for this type of situation as well? The whole thing is really infuriating. If we love each other, why end things and why cause me so much pain? Any input appreciated
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 15, 2016 at 2:51 am
Hi Heather,
it depends on your standards if you still want to continue this kind of relationship but no contact is still the better option because it seems like you’re not getting anywhere if you keep talking to him.
Gwenn
April 20, 2016 at 11:03 pm
Dear EBR,
I’ve read so many articles on your site to gain perspective, and this one really resonated with me.
The situation I’m in is rather unusual by most break up standards, as things were left so open ended.. I could use some advice.
He’s been a long time family friend of just over 5 years. We always had a great connection and chemistry. However, timing was never right and we maintained a mutual respect for the others relationship while building a great friendship.
February, we caught up over the phone one night after not speaking for 5 months. Come to find out, we both had ended our long term relationships (both mutual break ups) and had been single for a few months.
We were both going through some heavy transitions in life. Moving, job promotions, hectic family lives.. but we hit it off immediately! He flew out every chance he got for the month we were in contact. We discussed our future, professed hidden emotions for each other, all that happy stuff.
We even got so far as him accepting a job transfer cross country and us moving together.
During this time together, we received no support from my family. Flat out disrespect. They went out of their way to show disapproval. They brought up our negative traits from previous relationships and threw it in our faces. It even got as far as name calling… We were both devastated. Their words cut deep.
Their reasoning? They wanted to see us together, but it was too soon after our break ups for us to get serious.
Then one day, he calls me and says he’d just gotten off the phone with my family, and they are right, the timing isn’t right. We have too many transitions happening and not enough support. He had backed out of the job across country, so we won’t be moving. He said he loves me, he wants a future with me, and to make that happen, he had to preserve what we have for later.
In the end, and all things considered, I know his intention is to protect himself as well as me.. He hasn’t spoken to me or my family since then, or made a single post on social media.
I sent him an email 2 weeks later apologizing for my families behavior and wishing him well.
From there, I’ve initiated the NC rule.. I’m coming up on 30 days next week. I’m not sure if making contact is the appropriate thing to do in this situation. Plus, he doesn’t have the greatest reputation of responding to people in the first place.. any input?
Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 23, 2016 at 1:55 am
HI Gwenn,
at least you tried right? If he doesn’t reply try to use your time to prove everybody that by time you get together, whatever their opinion is, both of you can handle a relationship by then. If he does reply, then good but take it slow. Don’t rush, so that it won’t add up to the stress of your family pressures.
Au
April 18, 2016 at 11:11 am
My boyfriend broke up with me weeks ago. He said that he want to protect my purity. He thought that the only way to stop touching me is by breaking up with me.
However we are friends now and he still treats me a ‘girlfriend’. He still hugs,kiss on my lips and hold my hands etc when I remind me a lot of times that we shouldn’t be doing these since we are friends now. He treats me as a special friend because he still cares for me and the only reason he break up with me is because of my purity(thats what he said). It seems that he wants both worlds(single and relationship).
I really want him as my boyfriend but he insist on staying as friends. He said “I want you to stay as friend. If we are not meant to be together in a relationship,we are meant to be together as friends”.
I wanted to do the NC but I’ve already made future plans with him and I couldn’t ignore his texts cause i’ll feel guilty. I wanted to talk to him about us but his priorities are his classmates now. (He told me to talk about us the other day cause he is going home with his classmates today.) So therefore,I haven’t do NC.
I feel extremely sad cause im no longer his 1st priority and I hate it when he ignores me(he usually ignores me if he is upset with me).
I really want him as my boyfriend. Do you think he will stop treating me as a friend and come back to me as my boyfriend?
Is “I want to protect your purity” a excuse to protect himself?
Its so difficult distracting my mind and so difficult avoiding him in school.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 18, 2016 at 3:08 pm
Hi Au,
if you stay as friends..it’s more likely that you will be friendzoned
Jacquelyn
April 11, 2016 at 7:42 pm
Help! I’m in the last scenario and your writing seemed to end right when I needed more!!! I had been dating a guy for 2-3 weeks, just getting cozy (less “dates” more Netflix and cuddle, staying over, developing routines). I’d met his friends and he was moving things quickly, saying all the sweetest nicest things ever. Telling me I was wife material and irreplaceable, he wasn’t used to dating a woman who actually brought anything to the table. Only problem is his buddy’s wife had just walked out on him early when we started dating so they kept comforting this friend…. Painting a bad portrait of this guys ex, women in general that do that. Well I’m divorced!!! It was mutual, but he didn’t seem to be in the mindset to believe it. I didn’t know when to tell him and since we went out with his friends for this reason maybe the 2nd or 3rd time we hung out I kept not feeling like it was the right time to tell him! When I did he said he felt it was weird I told him so late (I’ve asked friends and they said I’m still in the normal range for that but idk I’m still learning how to date and I didn’t know if that was a first date talk or not to air my dirty laundry!!). He seemed fine, we talked, then he went cold halfway through the day and broke up with me via text the next day. I know his family life growing up wasn’t great so I know this is what he’s doing but I don’t know how to turn it around!!! We weren’t even dating a month so I don’t think the full 30 day NC is necessary but I haven’t talked to him in 5 days maybe?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 13, 2016 at 1:58 pm
HI Jacquelyn,
It’s not actually something to talk about in the first date.. But I’m assuming he’s adult enough to decide and realize that whatever his family was, not all people are like that. One month is short so, a month of nc is not advisable. How long have you known him before dating?
Mina, 21
March 13, 2016 at 7:50 pm
Hi! My boyfriend of a few months (started hanging out 6 months ago, officially dated for last few months) broke up with me 3 weeks ago (Been doing the NC rule since day one:) and this article really struck a chord with me! My question is, if he broke up with me because he is emotionally unavailable, is there anything specific I can do to get him back? When we broke up, he told me he had been thinking of breaking up because he just didn’t feel anything anymore/didn’t feel romantic or affectionate and didn’t understand why, as he feels that I am an amazing girlfriend/really interesting, cool person, but that it wasn’t right to keep the relationship going. Reasons why I think it was because of his emotional hang-ups: 1) He had mentioned that this seems to be a pattern for him (feeling unhappy even though a situation is going great by all accounts), 2) We were getting to a point in the relationship where things were starting to relax and get comfortable, still some excitement and whatnot but the butterflies and honeymoon feeling weren’t as intense and were giving way to a sort of routine and stability, which may have scared him. 3) the relationship was great. We both have so much in common, we like a lot of the same weird, interesting, specific stuff, we had fun together, chemistry, personalities clicked etc. 4) HE is the one who started it. He is the one who pursued me, talked to me, asked me out, asked me to be his girlfriend, asked me to come visit him, all that business. Not to say that I didn’t pursue him or show him that I liked him and took initiative, it was not a one-sided relationship by any means. I just mean that how could he decide so surely that we had a connection and that we should be together and that he wanted me, but then just have it suddenly fade away over the course of a couple of weeks? I did not change, show my “true colors”, any of that. I have been the same person as I was when we first started hanging out, the only difference is that I began to feel even more comfortable and relaxed around him toward the end. 5) He hasn’t had a functional relationship with a girl who isn’t crazy/unstable/not good for him since high school. Also his family really liked me, which I think may have also scared him subconsciously? He mentioned before meeting them for the first time that I was “definitely the coolest person he’s ever brought home.” So, basically, I feel that he probably started feeling distant and unattached because we were getting to a place where things were getting comfortable and our relationship was probably about to get more serious, and that was scary for him (even if he didn’t realize that that was what was going on in his head), and so he decided to break it off.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2016 at 6:05 am
Hi Mina,
you might be right.. either he was scared to commit or the relationship got boring for him.. either way, if he really is serious or not, you’ll know during or after nc coz he will have some time to think… you’re about to end nc..did you make it active and posting about it? Think of interesting topics for a first contact text..
Jenn
March 1, 2016 at 11:06 pm
What can you do to get him back if he is protecting himself? I’m certain that’s what he’s doing.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 2, 2016 at 4:01 pm
Hi Jenn,
what do you mean that he’s protecting himself and why?