Your ex broke up with you and were thinking about trying the no contact rule, but they have already moved on to someone new.
You might ask yourself if there’s even a point in trying the no contact rule anymore.
Well, spoiler alert: The no contact rule CAN and does work when your ex is seeing someone else… but only if you do it right.
That’s right; there’s a lot more to the no contact rule than what you might think, so let’s first talk about what the no contact rule is.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat Is The No Contact Rule?
The no contact rule is basically the foundation upon which an entire strategy of getting an ex back (or even moving on from them) is built.
I’ve written several articles on it, filmed many different videos, and even done podcast episodes over it.
But what is this elusive no contact rule?
Well, simply put, the no contact rule is a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose with the intent of making them miss you, while at the same time working on upgrading your life in all necessary areas.
How does this work when your ex has moved on?
Does it lose effectiveness in that particular case?
Well, I think to properly answer that question we need to talk about two things:
- The biggest misconception people have about the no contact rule
- What ACTUALLY works in the no contact rule when your ex has moved on to someone else.
Let’s start from the top.
What Is The Biggest Misconception People Have About The No Contact Rule
When the average person wants to learn about the no contact rule, they Google it and wind up on either my site or someone else’s website and learn about the note contact rule, but they fail to understand the true meaning behind it.
Remember the definition I just shared?
Well, people only read up to the “making your ex miss you” part, and they miss the memo about upgrading their life.
Yes, the no contact rule can make your ex miss you, but it doesn’t necessarily guarantee that they will miss you. Really the secret sauce of the no contact rule is what you’re using your time to do during the no contact rule.
When I interview real-life success stories of people who’ve used the no contact rule to get their exes back, the one big pattern I noticed is that they didn’t sit around, hoping the no contact rule was going to make their ex miss them.
Instead, they took ownership of their lives during the no contact rule and became refined versions of themselves that they could then wow their ex with when they actually started talking.
Sure, there’s been a few cases where the no contact rule was basically all it took for their ex to come begging back, but that’s not the case 90% of the time, so I wouldn’t bet on it.
Usually, people get their exes back because of the growth they experienced during the no contact rule.
Almost every success story I talk to shares the same experience about the no contact rule: feeling absolutely defeated and depressed for the first two weeks but then going on to realize that they are WAY better than this.
That Eureka moment is followed by those success stories giving more time to self-love so they can realize their true potential and basically stop caring about whether their ex comes back.
What ACTUALLY Works With The No Contact Rule If Your Ex Has Moved On?
According to our success stories, getting your ex back when they’ve moved on isn’t just a function of what you do with your time during the no contact rule, but actually the length of time you stay in the no contact rule.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAt the start of my career, advising people whose exes had moved on was particularly hard for me, especially because, in my opinion, a breakup is essentially someone admitting that they think that they can do better than you and they’re going out to try to find that.
So, what do you do if your ex has found someone that they think is better than you?
How long are you supposed to stay in a no contact rule?
Well, early on, I believed that the shortest amount of time is probably ideal. My reasoning behind this was that if you can stand the no contact rule for 21 days, you can hop back into your ex’s life before him and the new person have too much time to form deep connections.
Well, this almost always led to disastrous results.
Instead of pushing your ex and their new girlfriend apart, your presence as an “outsider” can actually give them something to unite against.
Ever heard the phrase “don’t shoot the messenger?”
That applies perfectly here because human beings are inherently territorial, especially in the beginning of new relationships, so you, i.e., the messenger, inserting yourself into your ex’s relationship will NOT end well for you.
What do you do then?
Just let your ex fall in love with the new girl if you extend your no contact period?
Well, not exactly. I’ll tell you why a longer no contact rule might be the best thing for you in this situation.
The first time we stumbled across the solution for this was actually an accident. You see, we had a client who was basically going through a breakup, and her ex moved in with a new girl. Her ex already having moved in with someone else was a massive code red for us.
We decided to do a typical 30 day no contact rule. 30 days went by, and she told us that she wasn’t comfortable talking to him just yet. So we decided to extend the no contact period by another 30 days.
Eventually, she mustered up the courage to talk to her ex, and you know what he said?
That him and his new girlfriend are having issues, and everything is not what it seems.
By giving herself (and his new relationship) more time, she let her ex move past the honeymoon stage of his new relationship.
Now his “new” relationship isn’t so new anymore, reality is creeping in, and that makes his old relationship with you a comparatively good memory.
So a longer no contact rule is great for these situations, and the exact sweet spot is 45 days.
Basically a month and a half of no contact where you let your ex and the new person go through their honeymoon period. You are not going to insert yourself into the equation until that honeymoon period has kind of leveled out a little bit.
That brings up another question, though:
What Are You Supposed To Be Doing During An Extended No Contact Rule?
Don’t get impatient.
I know this seems obvious, but it has to be said because a lot of people find it extremely difficult to keep up with longer no contact periods.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe key, though, is putting your time and energy into something completely different.
True success comes when you actually find something that you care more about than your ex.
I recently did a YouTube video on my channel that I’m super proud of called “how to show your ex you don’t care.”
The gist of that video was that after interviewing multiple success stories, we noticed a common trend:
People who successfully got their exes back after no contact stopped caring about getting them back during the no contact rule.
In other words, people who found things that were more important to them than their ex were ultimately the most successful.
This is because otherwise, most people get tunnel vision after a breakup where they keep obsessing over their ex, especially if another woman is involved.
But what if I were to tell you that all that time spent comparing yourself to your ex’s new girl is wasted time and wasted effort on things you could be doing to achieve your magnum opus – your life’s great piece of work that you care about more than your ex.
So, here’s my challenge for you, or rather a question.
What is it that you care about more than your ex?
And here’s the little prerequisite it can’t be your children.
It has to be something that you create.
Something that you think of.
For some, it could be a novel; for others, it could be doing music or writing music.
It doesn’t really matter what it is as long as you’re proud of it, and it makes you stop thinking about your ex.
Honestly, I’ll never understand why people knock on me when I say that you should find something that matters to you more than your ex after a breakup even if you want them back.
In my mind, there’s nothing shameful in focusing on yourself, and yet people continue to knock it like it’s some cliché advice. Truthfully, there’s nothing more valuable you can do with your time than truly working on yourself or improving the areas of your life that you feel need to be improved.
Work On Improving Your Exes Negative Perception
When we’re with someone for a long time, we get comfortable in our assumptions about them and believe we know everything about them.
Your ex probably had some negative perceptions about you too, and those might have come to the forefront when you broke up.
For example, let’s say that you didn’t clean up after yourself when you were living with your ex.
Your ex is gonna think that you’re sloppy or you leave things lying around.
This is their perception of you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow, this happens in all sorts of little ways, but what I like for you to do is take out a piece of paper and make a list of every conceivable negative perception you can think of.
Think of these as your negative perception pillars – the negative qualities your ex thinks that you have.
Now these negative perception pillars inform your ex’s entire opinions of you.
In other words, he thinks that he knows everything there is to know about you.
The good and the bad. Sounds harsh and overly simplistic, right?
But it is what it is. However, you can challenge those notions.
Your goal is to create new depths to yourself, new layers for him to peel back.
Often times the most common negative perception pillar that your ex will have of you is that you’re too stable, that you’re boring, and you just want to sit home and do nothing.
Well, that’s an easy one to overcome. Just do something crazy and spontaneous like sky diving, so your ex is forced to do a double-take and rethink their wrong perceptions of you.
And oftentimes, the more you focus on doing this during the no contact rule, the more your ex will begin to pay attention to you.
But it’s really not your ex that you want to pay attention to you. It’s the other woman.
Why its actually important to make the other woman notice you
So, let me ask you a question – when you first started dating your ex-boyfriend, didn’t you at least get curious about what his exes looked like? Did you ask him questions about his past relationships?
I bet you even went on to Facebook or Instagram to compare how you were to her thinking, “What kind of women is he attracted to? Is she like me? Am I a carbon copy? Am I better than her?”
Well, guess what?
Your ex’s new girlfriend is doing the exact same thing as you. She is cyber-stalking you right now to compare herself to you.
So if you’re on social media constantly sharing depressing posts (or nothing at all), the new girl is going to think that she’s better than you. It’s your goal to turn that narrative on its head, by basically intimidating the new girl by being the most awesome version of yourself that you can be!
As an example, let’s say I had a massive crush on a girl and finally started to date her. We stumble into the usual exes talk, and she tells me she dated Brad Pitt. Wouldn’t that be a little bit intimidating?
I mean constantly you’re comparing yourself to this person who is a superstar, movie actor with good looks who is better looking than you and you’re feeling a little bit bad about yourself. Not because that person made you feel bad by talking to you, but you’re intimidated by their outward perception.
This is what you’re trying to do to the other woman.
You’re trying to become so awesome from afar that your ex not only regrets his decision to break up with you, but the new girl is thinking, “what’s wrong with him? Why did he leave that golden goddess of a woman?”
That is the key to making no contact work if your ex has moved on to someone else.
Conclusion:
The no contact rule can definitely help you get your ex back if they’ve already moved on as long as you remember the following:
- Take your time in the no contact rule so your ex and the new girl can get over their honeymoon period
- Invest your time and energy in improving yourself and doing what makes YOU happy (instead of focusing on your ex)
- The goal is to make your ex’s new girl notice you and be intimidated
Katy
October 8, 2024 at 6:20 pm
I was with this guy for 8 years… broke up last year but kept talking until may… he told me he only thought of me 24/7 and didnt want anyone else. 2 weeks later he told me to stop looking for him because he was in a relationship and was very happy… I am really sad and it has been 4 months of no contact what can I do? will no contact work?
Dreams
September 5, 2024 at 3:49 pm
Me and my bf/fiance was together for 6 years. We saw us in person for most time it was an ldr since i am german and he is american. We had lots of things to overcome like the pandemie etc. He never visit me in germany but i lived in thw states for a longer while for him. The worst comes now. He has been cheating on me multiple times. With one he also moved in and so far he kept lie about everything. He never understood that we was fight the last 2 years because he isn’t honest and won’t change. It was kinda done back in march but he kept leading me on with hopes. In mai i found out he just went on a plane which he never did before and meet “his gf” in italy for 3 full months. I went back to the states for a week fighting for him and he said he want me and want babies with me and love me and keep dreaming about me. Stays in front of me and said it’s nice to have someone to talk to and seeing someone but i wish it would be you. That was just 3 weeks ago. I fighted more. And 3 days ago he came out and said if i don’t understand it there isn’t any chance anymore he loves her truly and is in a happy commitment relationship. I am not sure what to do.
Mark
December 28, 2023 at 6:44 pm
Hi. My ex partner. Has been having an Affair with a lad she works with. We was so happy well at least I thought no arguments or anything and wedding booked for next year
Currently no contact. We do have a child so it’s hard. As I have to respond if it’s about the child which is very minimum contact anyway. And keep my reply’s short and sweet
Is there a chance I can get our family back. And any help or advice be great. I have reason to believe they still seeing each other. But I think it’s the honeymoon period
Coach Shaunna
December 29, 2023 at 2:19 am
Hi Mark, yes there is a chance that you can get your ex back, I would say that the mentality you need to have right now is that you show that you are the better man, take care of your child ands live your life without her around allowing her to feel that she is missing out on “family time” because she chose to leave. With her having the affair, I would also spend some time looking at your relationship and identify what may have been lacking for her to have the affair, or was it the thrill of sneaking around for her to continue to see him after your break up it is very likely to fall apart as they have no reason to hide things and this is when the trust issue and cracks will form in their relationship.
Patty
September 13, 2023 at 11:43 am
My boyfriend got mad after me losing my temper. I contacted him and he told me had found someone new. It’s been 5 days of no contact and I miss him terribly.
Lisa
August 22, 2023 at 3:39 pm
My ex talks dirty to me I told him it’s wrong and he needs to stay faithful to her my ex said by text the phrase if we were still together I’m not sure what that phrase means I don’t think his new gf knows about me
Coach Shaunna
October 21, 2023 at 10:47 am
Hi Lisa, essentially your ex is being unfaithful to the other woman by attempting to at least emotionally or micro cheat on her with you. Shut down his efforts and explain to him that if he wants you then he needs to end the relationship with her.
Jade
April 8, 2023 at 8:19 am
How do I do the no contact rule if I have to see my ex partner (father of the children) 3 days a week for dinners???? Pleaseeee help me
Coach Shaunna Nicol
April 9, 2023 at 10:15 am
You stop doing diners 3 times a week for him! Make him cater to the children without you around – leave him with them! Explain to him that you are happy for him to buy food and cook for the children in your home – use this time to work on your UG and HT and leave him to see what life is like as a single dad!
Tim
February 1, 2023 at 12:23 pm
Very helpful
Thank you
ChristineC
December 15, 2022 at 6:42 pm
My daughter is facing a dilemma now
which I feel that maybe you can give her some advice.
But it’s a long story so how can I share it across to you ?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
December 15, 2022 at 7:54 pm
She may post her story here but if she is looking for one to one advice then I would suggest looking into the coaching sessions or the program itself
Lily
November 23, 2022 at 12:18 am
Part of the NC rule seems to depend on your ex and his new gf seeing the great things you are doing on social media. What if he’s not on social media and she has no idea you ever existed (she didn’t know about me)? How does it work then?
Chris Seiter
February 8, 2023 at 6:03 pm
Usually you can leverage SOI (Sphere of Influence.)
Catrina
November 21, 2022 at 3:38 am
Hi. My ex and I dated for nearly six months. We were really good friends for a while before we started dating. Before we broke up we did get into a fight and he called it quits. Two months after our break up, he started dating someone else and it really hurt me. He also has told me that we’re never getting back together and I feel like he was just angry or something from when we broke up. I haven’t spoken to him for almost a week. I’m not sure what to do. I feel really lost.
Jane
November 16, 2022 at 10:37 pm
My ex left me a week after meeting someone new on a work trip. He is totally in love with her (apparently she is too and is going to leave her husband for him) They don’t even live in the same country. Apparently he was never in love with me. In this case I think he’s never coming back.
Shella
November 15, 2022 at 3:04 pm
Hi there at this stage of my life I’m very devastated… me and my x husband was married for 9 years ( I’m his third wife ) I divorced him 2019 because I don’t feel like I’m his wife he never feels it to me … as years pass by we met in a mall and talked and trying to patched up things … by that time I already seeing someone he treats me like his queen… I even told him about him and that he needs to find someone else , so last month of October 2022 I never expect that he will go on online dating and met this single mother 25 years old with one daughter .. and my x husband is 56 years old… he went there to overseas and he told me about her that he is doing what he asked me to do… to find someone else… now he is posting in social media that is it’s awesome to have her to his life… and to be honest I was bit jealous … for some reason… and I couldn’t eat and focus on my job and my partner is also worried for me… please give me and advise …. I’m totally lost to myself
Coach Shaunna Nicol
January 12, 2023 at 10:00 pm
Hi Shella, it sounds to me more that you are upset that he couldn’t or didn’t treat you the way that he is treating the current girlfriend, this is not uncommon however you mentioned that your current partner is good to you and if they make you happy, you do not want your ex husband back, then just remove him from social media and focus on your new relationship.
Amber
August 13, 2022 at 6:43 pm
Hi,
My bf and I were together for 10 years and we were engaged for 4 years.
We lived together for 3 years and about 2 years ago I got pregnant unexpectedly.
We talked about having kids and we were both on the same page that we both want kids. So when I got pregnant it was a bit of a surprise but after getting over the shock we were both happy about the news.
We went to a gynaecologist and had an ultrasound and everything.
But sadly we found out that the pregnancy would end in a miscarriage.
I was devastated about the news.
It’s been 2 since the miscarriage and I’m still not over it.
I was depressed for a while and it took a few months to get back to being myself again.
This put a lot of strain on our relationship.
And maybe that’s what ended the relationship between us.
Now my ex is seeing someone after we’ve only been broken up for 3 months and it really hurts to know.
Things didn’t end well between us and I would really like for him to give me another chance to see if we could somehow fix the relationship.
What should I do?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
August 15, 2022 at 8:02 pm
Hi Amber, so it is really really difficult to move on from a loss that you have been through, I would suggest that you seek out some therapy to help you talk and work through your emotions to do with the miscarriage, no amount of time will pass where you will not be upset with the loss, but the way we move on with our lives and deal with that loss is what matters. As you have said you struggled the last two years, so I would say counselling of some sort to help you deal with your loss.
Your ex will be in a rebound relationship already, so try not to worry about that for now. Right now your work needs to be on yourself and finding your happiness again.
Michelle
June 27, 2022 at 3:31 pm
Hi,
My boyfriend and I were together for almost 6 years on and off. I was the one that got scared and let the relationship go about a year ago. We stayed in touch and he still pursued me up until a couple of months ago. I had decided I wanted to reconcile when and he told me he was dating someone for a month and they had just become exclusive. I shared my feelings with him and asked for another chance. It’s clear he still loved me but said he had really connected with this girl and sees a future with her. I was devastated. We stayed in tough over the next few weeks and he actually ended up coming over and cheated on her with me. He clearly felt guilty after and said we can’t do this again so I initiated no contact. It’s only a few days in and he keeps calling and texting. I’m not sure what to do and I’m hoping I’m doing the right thing. I know he still loves me but he’s devoting a lot of energy to this new girl.
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 18, 2022 at 7:55 pm
Hey Michelle, you need to make it clear that he needs to end it with the other woman before you agree to reconcile your relationship – essentially I am telling you to break your NC to tell him this if he agrees and ends things then you know you are getting back together. You also need to take into consideration that he is willing to cheat on her so you do not want to become the other woman so tread carefully that you do not fall into an affair or friends with benefits situation
Shannon
April 15, 2022 at 11:13 pm
Hi my boyfriend and I was in a relationship for a year and three months but know each other for a year before dating and after 4 days of a break up he is already in a relationship (it’s all over Facebook)I can’t say if he cheated or not because 90%of the time we was together or on the phone I’m really lost for words and having a hard time because we was talking about marriage and kids. Some days are good and some days are bad just need a little more guidance.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 21, 2022 at 12:26 pm
That is very quick to move on so I would suggest that you consider he may have been at least emotionally cheating. I would suggest that you follow a 45 days NC and just avoid seeing his social media for now.
Monique
December 18, 2021 at 6:03 am
Hi, so my ex and I got together 2 years ago. Everything was perfect or so I thought until I started talking about living together(we have a child now who was planned) … then all of a sudden he said he couldn’t be in a relationship, he wasn’t ready. But for me was going everything right that I needed from him. It’s been about 3 weeks and I’ve gone through the motions of asking why and not understanding but he still seems caring of my feelings just still says there’s some things he needs to sort out. Since we have a child im not sure how the no contact rule will work but I am still very much in love with him and would love to have him back. Also, he recently became friends with his ex again and even though he claims there’s nothing more who really knows for sure. He’s never given me any reason to doubt him until this decision to split with no signs leading up to. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 10, 2022 at 9:37 pm
Hi Monique, I would question how he was ready to be a father but not live in boyfriend? One is far more commitment than the other and he has definitely got it easy not living with you and his PLANNED child in the first place. I would suggest that you follow the 30 day limited no contact, there is an article about this here for you to read. But again I would question his motive when he is ready to father a child but not live with you. https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-when-you-have-a-child-with-them/
Paola
August 20, 2021 at 7:04 am
I broke up with my ex one year ago, after 2 weeks of no contact hebegged me to go back with him and I said no. We have talked weekly on the phone and met a few times for a walk.
Three months ago, I told him I missed him and would like to rekindle our relationship. He said he was in a new relationship but nothing serious compared to out 2 years spent together. He gave me hopes and said his feelings for me haven’t changed, we needed to talk, establish trust and see. I saw him three times, once we kissed passionately and said we still have chemistry, the second time said he would like to take me to bed ecc.
This has been going on for 3 months now.
I desperately want to go back with him. I begged, cried did all the mistaked possible.
On the last 2 messages, he states he is happy to see me as”friends” this broke my heart even further after all the waiting, patience I put in my recovery.
I have already bought the book.
Please help, do you think the NC will help im this case? Or should I see him as “friend”, which is not what I want. Please remember he has been with another woman for 6 months now.
Mamy thanks,
Mack
August 8, 2021 at 11:41 pm
My long distance relationship has ended after a year and a half together. We met each other in person and spent a week together, we both agree it was the happiest time in our lives for either of us. He said after he got home from meeting he started disconnecting because he knew how difficult it would be. He knew it’d be difficult because I went to him everyday with my upset and worry about my life. So he disconnected for months and didn’t tell me until he eventually stopped loving me. He broke up with me after three weeks of not loving me. We’ve been apart for 3 weeks and he is already with someone as of a few days ago. We just decided to stop talking today because it’s been a weird transition for him and he still wants to be friends. Will no contact work? I love him with my whole heart, but he said he only loves me platonically now.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 9, 2021 at 8:01 pm
Hey Mack, so in the year and a half relationship you only met the once and then he ended things? This could be part of the reason of the relationship change, ideally a long distance relationship would need to be able to see each other at least once a month.
Bree
February 15, 2021 at 11:53 pm
I met this guy over the summer and we dating openly. We had a great time together no arguments for about 7 months. His ex constantly tried to insert herself and finally they started dating again. He wasn’t sure who he wanted. He said he adored me and felt like I was his soulmate but she had more history and they new each other’s family. He ultimately chose her. Will no contact work for me?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 16, 2021 at 8:46 pm
Hi Bree, yes it can work you just need to work on your UG qualities to show him he made a mistake choosing her.
Patricia
December 27, 2020 at 12:43 pm
My ex (9 year relationship)is going through a depression and making therapy and he broke up with me. The first 3 weeks after we still lived together, but now he is in his hometown till the end of January, and we are in no contact. I have made some of the mistakes, like being too needy, but not many. Also, during these 3 weeks together, we talked a lot and he also told me that maybe he is going to regret this decision, but then it will probably be too late. He also gave other signs that we was really lost and confused. He also let someone take space in our relationship and developed feelings for her. I don’t know if it is only a rebound, because they know each other for some time and they talk a lot and share. It’s not only physical. He wanted to break up already in summer 2019, but then changed his mind (I didn’t ask him to). I am so lost. I want to work on myself, but I still love him, and I’m afraid I lost him forever, specially because of this other woman. She is not someone new, they have an emotional connection, at least as friends. Even if they stay together, from February on, it is going to be a long distance relationship (he is thinking about moving to his hometown, but probably only in a year). I don’t know if all these factors are going to reinforce their relationship…