You Should Let Your Ex Come To You After A Breakup; Here's Why!

163 thoughts on “You Should Let Your Ex Come To You; Here’s Why!”

Ana

June 6, 2019 at 9:09 pm

Does no contact and everything else work even if he broke up with me twice? He says I’m too needy and I feel like expecting to be contacted at least once a day is normal in relationships?
CW

May 16, 2019 at 8:46 pm

My ex and I have been in each other’s lives for the past 10 years. We dated in high school for about a year and then broke up and didn’t see or hear from each other for 5 years. We started talking again during our senior year of college. We didn’t go to the same university, ( 1 hour 1/2 away) he came to see me a lot, I did the same for a while, but told him that I was not ready to commit to being in a relationship due to the fact that we weren’t in the same city and didn’t know if we would end up in the same city after graduation. Knowing that, he continued to pursue me and us through out the school year.. I was a competitive cheerleader at my college and didn’t have much free time, (if I did I spent with him) towards the end of my cheer season he said that he was going to come to my cheer nationals with his family and my mom, both of us were extremely excited and we planned accordingly.. when he got to my nationals he was very lovey dovey and also posted on social media about how proud he was that his gf won nationals and etc.. well I didn’t except like that he posted that bc I made it clear to him that I didn’t want to be committed, anyways.. he was very hurt by that so we of course stopped talking after a while bc I broke his heart. But I also warned him.
Months went by and we slowly started talking again, and he told me that he accepted a job where I was living.. but he would be getting his own apartment. I told him that it was great so when he gets established here we can start dating officially.. everything was great for the first 6 months, I was always over at his place, the majority of my stuff was there and pets.
After 6 months went by we discussed me moving in with him since I practically was already.
We made that official and again, things were great! Until I started traveling for work. He became very insecure about himself and us, he always thought I was talking to someone else. ( I wasn’t) but he couldn’t get past it, which caused arguments. He wouldn’t believe me and I was mad that he kept bringing it up.. we didn’t break up but it took a toll on our relationship for a while. Then I found out I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. He didn’t think it was his. Bc I was on a work trip days after we slept together. I made it very clear and was very offended that he even thought that. I felt like I had to deal with it all by myself, bc he didn’t think it was his. That hurt me like no other. But I didn’t leave him. Bc I loved him.
Towards our 1 year mark of officially dating my friend from college asked if we were interested in living together to cut cost of rent, at first we were both on board it sounded great. As months went by we realized that this was not ideal at all and it turned to the worst. My brother ended up living with us too and he was and idiot and a drunk, my ex felt like he was responsible for him. (No one asked him to be but I get it) months go by in this apartment and living situation and we continue to have some fights like normal couples.. but when it was good it was GOOD. We were best friends, we did everything together, we also smoked weed together almost daily. Which eventually took a toll on me and made me feel weird and insecure..and I never did it before until I met him again my senior year of college.
Anyways, our lease was up and we decided to get another apartment together, and my brother still needed a place to stay so I had ask my ex if he could stay with us until he gets in his feet, I knew he didn’t want him to but he agreed anyways (super thankful that he did) but again it took a toll on our relationship.. and our communication. We finally decided that we would look for houses together to be finally alone and to take the next step.
After months of searching and getting out bid by many, we found the one. A fixer upper. We moved in this past November 2019, and everything was so great.. we had so much fun together getting the house set up, fixing things, changing things, buying furniture and etc. basically a fairytale in my eyes.
Well shortly after we moved in, his friends (all single btw) started coming around, and he wanted to be the “entertainer” they would drink at the house, or they would go out, watch sports everyday or play video games.. I felt like I was falling to the back burner.. and I had stopped smoking weed at this point bc I didn’t like the affects it had on me. Him on the other hand had been smoking it everyday (after work so like 5-10:30) for the past 3 years. His old high school friend had moved to our city and he was newly single. So of course every single guy needs a wingman especially if you don’t know the city.. so my ex started to go out more with him and his other friends, went golfing with him almost weekly, texting him in group chats everyday, video games everyday.. I finally had to say that I felt like he didn’t love me anymore and wasn’t attracted to me bc he was choosing his friends over me, more and more. He reassured me that it wasn’t the case but it didn’t stop.. I eventually started throwing myself at him to try and get his attention back.. but it just seemed to make things worse? He eventually told me that he didn’t like that he was hurting me and that he didn’t like who he was and that he didn’t really want to report to anyone at this point.. I was DEVASTATED. We literally just got this house, made it a home.. thought we were on the verge of marriage and it was stripped away like I was nothing. But then hours later after he broke up with me, we slept together. And almost everyday after.. until I confronted him and asked what we were doing bc it was taking a huge toll on me, mentally.. he again said that he didn’t want to report to anyone and didn’t want me to move out right away.. days go by and he’s going out every night and I’m there.. and when he would come home he would talk to me like we were still together. I finally told him that I needed answers if we were doing this or not, bc I needed to figure out my next steps. I asked him what would help make this process easiest for him. He didn’t give me an answer, he just told me to “come here” and he held me and cried. We both cried.. and then slept together. The next day we went shopping and it was like instantly back to normal.. we were so happy. Everything seemed so great, we cooked dinner together, went for walks, read together, talked about our future with the house and etc.
Fast forward to May 2019..he planned a 10 day guy trip with two of his friends the first week of May. 2 days before he left I get a text from him at 7am saying he apologizing for his lack of words lately.. I immediately think oh no. Here we go again, but why? Things have been so good.
I didn’t reply bc I wanted to discuss it face to face. He gets home from work and doesn’t talk about it right away, he starts folding laundry and just chit chatting nonsense. I finally ask him what that meant and he said again, I don’t like how I treat you, how I treat my family and I’m choosing my friends over you right now. Thats not right. And I explained to him that he’s not hurting me and that he is free to do what ever he wants with his friends just that I’d like to have a balance. And he continued with that he needs to figure himself out and that he isn’t right. I tried to explain to him that I want to help him and be there for him and get thru this but he shook his head no..I asked if he could think about it while traveling for 10 days and he pondered the thought about that and didn’t give me a clear answer.. and again, after our talk he cuddled me all night long. Even tried to sleep with me the next morning.
The next day goes by and he txted me in the morning while I was at work hoping that I have a good day and etc. I get back from lunch and I get called into my boss’s office to find out I was getting laid off due to financial reasons within the company and that they are cutting 10-20’ jobs. So I lost my boyfriend, job and home in a period of 24 hours. I feel like I have hit rock bottom. We shared everything together, I thought he was my future. I know we had ups and downs but what relationship doesn’t? Why didn’t I see it coming? I want him back so bad.. he had 10 days of distraction on vacation with two guy friends. I had to sit in our home and sort through everything we own and move out of what I thought was my forever. (He told me I didn’t have to move out right away) but his mom had told me to get out bc he needs to see what it’s like without me there. His mom doesn’t understand why he did it and no one else in his family does either. We are all scratching our heads, mainly bc he hasn’t given a clear answer. His older brother told me that it’s not me and that it is him, he needs to stop smoking weed and stop hanging out with these so called friends. And his mother has been grieving this with me everyday bc she is literally my best friend and she also thought we would be together forever. She thinks to this day that we are soulmates and that he just needs some time. And we will get back together.. but I am losing hope. I broke the no contact rule just once and said that I needed to discuss our phones bc we are on the same bill. And he told me he would take care of it the next day.. well he hasn’t. And it’s been 5 days.
Other than that text I haven’t reached out on anything. I have just been talking to his mother bc we have always been so close.
It has now been two weeks. And I am still trying to process it all. I feel like he gave me so many mixed messages.
I have been going on interviews left and right trying to land something, I am in the waiting phase. But I have to live in a hotel for the time being bc I have no where to go except for home which is 2 hours away.. if anyone out there can just give me there opinion about this to help me heal and move on I would appreciate it. I want him back so bad but idk if that’s a possibility. What should I do?

Chris Seiter

May 16, 2019 at 9:50 pm

It sounds like you have been thru a lot. I think you would benefit if you tap into a sensible ex recovery plan. That is what my Program is all about. So give it a look so you can understand all of the elements of a effective ex recovery strategy.

Sos

May 10, 2019 at 11:00 am

Hi
My boyfriend broke up with me in February I discovered I was pregnant for him and he said o should remove it I went to the family to hear from them but was told they have no interest in commitng and so I removed the child. In march I contacted him saying that I have removed the pregnancy which was my first and he slammed back saying that he knew I wanted to hold him back and he does not think I was pregnant even though there was a lab result to show for it. And he thinks I got it from someone else.
So I decided to keep quiet and not talk to him till now.
His brother sent me a Facebook request, my ex unfriended me on Facebook but still sees me on whatsapp, he has not blocked me there yet.
It’s may now can we reconnect or should I still give time.
Meanwhile his friend came saying of recent that I did not give him breathing space and I told the friend that if a man wants you no matter what you do to him he will still be with you. That he broke up without telling me reasons or giving me reasons or chance to make amends for whatever I was doing wrongly. He just started planing it put and then broke up
JS

April 1, 2019 at 11:16 am

Hi it’s been a month of No contact. We had been dating for 8 years. He decided to end in November. I kept begging and pleading till Feb. Then he told me he had moved on with another girl. After which I maintained a no contact. It’s been a month. For how long should I wait? What should I do now?

Chris Seiter

April 1, 2019 at 10:26 pm

Hey JS….so great question. NC periods can range from 14 days to 60. Its different for everyone. I would recommend my eBook, “The No Contact Rulebook” if you wish to drill down into more specifics.

Katie Ercolina

May 12, 2018 at 3:24 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago. We were living together but he took some of his clothes and left. Most of his belongings are still here along with his dogs and one of his motorcycles. His best friends mom passed away new years day then his dad passed on February 2 and his mom passed on February 16. His mom was his main support his whole life, she meant everything to him. He started shutting me out soon after her death. He would stay out late and go sit at parks and think and try to process I guess. He wouldn’t really talk to me or his sisters. His mom’s death was very sudden and unexpected. I was there for him through all of it. The viewing, the funeral, after but he just shut down. He told me he feels empty dead and numb inside. I told him everyday I loved him and asked how he was doing, I took care of everything I could to make life a little easier for him. His mom left him $50,000 , he got it on March 19th. By the 23rd more than half was gone and by the end of April it was all gone. He bought a couple things he actually needed but the rest he blew on toys he thought would make him feel better but he has yet to use most of them. He made plans with me and my kids for the coming months and his kids too. He bought a dog for our family and bought a vehicle big enough to fit us all in without having to take 2 cars. Then a few days before he broke up.with me he got arrested. He called a friend to bail him out, I didn’t know where he was for 24 hours. He could be facing jail but I think he will get probation. He hasn’t taken care of his child support payment issues, he has to pay way more than he can afford, his attorney needs paperwork from him but last I know it hasn’t been taken care of . He not only shut me down but his sisters as well, he is very close with them but hasn’t made any effort with them either. He has 2 girls who he went a month and a half without seeing, he’s a good dad normally. The day he broke up with me he was angry at me for pushing him to go get some help, I was worried about him, he wouldn’t talk to me all day and then came home, we lived together, and was stressed about his truck needing to go back to the shop and I told him to figure out what he wanted to do and he blew up at me and said it was over. He got on his motorcycle and left. I didn’t see him for almost a week, then he came home and we talked for an hour and it was like nothing had happened until I brought up the relationship. Then he told me he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to get back together. Told me he is talking to a friend and getting to know her. He had told me the week before he loved me and made plans with my kids for camping in July. When he broke up with me he told me I was pushing him too much and he had asked me to back off but I didn’t. Also the night he came home from jail I told him all I ever wanted from him was his love , some of his time and his attention and he said he just doesn’t have it in him to give right now cuz he feels dead numb and empty inside cuz of all the deaths. I haven’t talked to him in person in a month. I sent him messages most have never been answered. He moved in with his new girlfriend 2 weeks after they started dating. He has nowhere to go, can’t afford to live on his own with all the child support he has to pay, his money has run out. His friends and family have told me when the money runs out and the fun is all gone and reality sets in he will be back. I know this girl is a rebound but it still hurts. He was my first love over 20 years ago and I was his. He found me on fb after asking my brother for years about me. I love him with all my heart and honestly feel we are meant to be together but I fear his pride and stubbornness will never allow him to come back. I know all his faults and shortcomings and I love him more for them. He is a great guy but I guess he’s lost. I want him to co.e home. Yes we have had out share of problems and arguments and fights and things were pretty rough towards the end. I think that’s all he remembers is the bad and the good far outweighs the bad but he’s seems to have forgotten. Any thoughts or help to bring him home would be appreciated. He told me I wasn’t there for him through the worst time of his life, I was as much as he’s let me.

Chris Seiter

May 12, 2018 at 11:29 pm

Hi Katie….I think a lot of the mean and ugly words he said to you were coming from a place of pain. The same probably goes for most of his actions you disagree with. I think the two of you have a lot of history, so I don’t think this story of the two of you has ended. Obviously, neither of know the ending, but there are things you can probably do to optimize your chances. For now, give him wide birth. If you are looking to optimize your chances then consider grabbing my ebook, Ex Recovery Pro” or any of the other resources/services I offer (website Menu/Products link). It operates like a go to Companion Guide that can help you through the whole breakup process so you are doing the things to better your chances.

Sinh

May 2, 2018 at 4:07 am

Hi Chris,
I dated a guy for over 2.5 years and broke up 7 months ago.. we were having lots of fights and issues. But recently, he was having a split from his friends and I stood by his side by which he says he understood my worth. But during these 7 months, he did something which broke my trust, so I told him we shoudnt be talking or meeting again. But then he called up and said give another chance, lets give the relationship a try. Its a week this happened. But as I am having a rough time mentally, I’ve become a little clingy and annoying, he says “I know you werent like this before. You were too jolly types. I understand you are having a bad time, so lets get better first and then decide if we can continue this relationship”.. I want to become the way I was before, for whom he fell in love madly, but it seems difficult with my mental instability. What do I do???

Chris Seiter

May 3, 2018 at 1:54 am

Hi Sinh…I have a Private Facebook Support Group that consists of about 1500 women who help each other. I do weekly live webcasts for this Group (learn more at my website Menu/Products link). So consider that if you need some emotional support. There are chemicals in our brain that can cause us to be addictive when a breakup ensues. But in time, those emotions that stir in you will slow down and you will be able to process things better. Take some time to heal is not a bad idea. Have you picked up a copy of my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro yet? It serves as a Companion Guide for folks going thru a rough time.
Sinh

May 3, 2018 at 5:21 am

Thanks Chris, I will consider your advice. Its like he loves me, but the spark seems missing. He loves me, we are giving it a try, but he said great if it works out but if it doesnt we should end it. Whenever he talks about his future, it seems like he sees me nowhere in it. I want to make him fall in love with me deeply and madly, wherein he will eagerly want “our try” to work out and imagines his future with me. Please help me, Chris.
Chris Seiter

May 3, 2018 at 2:22 pm

Hi again. Just draw up your plan based on the advice in my ebooks and on the site…and move forward with it!

Hannah

April 28, 2018 at 8:44 pm

How to find the right balance between being friendly and being distant?

My ex and I have met a few times, which was mostly great, quite peaceful and romantic which makes me hopeful but no big steps to reconciliation yet. And he’s still with ow which he doesn’t seem to intend to leave soon. I’ve now moved abroad, I guess “being there” is my best avenue to follow according to ERP…But how to behave?

1. Initiate contact, be nice and friendly and keep the conversation going in a approachable way. But I may end up as the spare wheel

2. Let him initiate, be mysterious and a bit distant so he has to chase me. But he may not feel like chasing me and ignore me too..

Chris Seiter

April 28, 2018 at 11:32 pm

Hi Hannah…probably a little bit of both approaches. Adapt as you see fit.

Amy

April 16, 2018 at 2:18 pm

Hi! I have been in no contact for 19 days. April 28th is my contact day. We have a baby together and when he comes to see him I look great, have a charming attitude, and let him know nonchalantly that I have things going on so not a lot of time to chat. I broke up with him after he said some things about me during a “break” that hurt me bad. It is great to make myself number 1 and spoil myself during NC. And I’m REALLY questioning whether he is the right one! Thanks for your program. I’ve checked out many, this is the most helpful and I’m so grateful that you are here!

Chris Seiter

April 18, 2018 at 3:11 am

Hi Amy! You are number 1 Amy. Just remember that. You and your child. Go slow and let your mind settle in on the truth of what you want. If he comes calling and treats you well, that will bode well. But ultimately, look at your future with or without him in the most rational way possible. Emotions can have a way of sneaking up on us and distorting what is best for us. If you need some ongoing support, we offer Coaching Services and we also have a wonderful Private Facebook Group you can learn more about at our website menu/Products link.

Jen

April 9, 2018 at 6:18 pm

We had been dating 6 months. He had been separated from his wife for 2 years and they have a 9 year old daughter together. His ex was the first person he opened up to and was never in a relationship before her. They got married because of their child. We started dating in early October. Their divorce was just finalized in December. In the beginning few months, there was extreme desire on his part to be with me and initiate everything. Since the divorce, he has been saying things like: “I’m unsure if I’m able to be into anyone right now”; “I’m not ready and I don’t want to screw up a good thing because I’m not ready”; “I really like you and losing you is not what I want”; etc. He’s been flipping and flopping for months, but at the end of February after he was a real jerk selling me out for an event we were supposed to go to, I went no contact for 4 days – he came running back with apologies and even said we should give being in a relationship a shot – it was his idea. Over a month went by seemingly normal and I was being patient with him. Last week, he called and things seemed fine, until I asked when we could see each other. He said he needed to talk to me about that and said, “I really like you and I wanted this work so bad and I tried hard to find the feeling I’m looking for. You are everything I could want. I care about you and we are good together. I’m scared to end up with the wrong person again like I did with my ex of 10 years. I’ve been looking for things about you and reasons why this can’t work and I can’t find one thing wrong. I’m just looking for a feeling and I’m not even sure it exists or what it’s supposed to feel like, maybe it’s just in the movies, but I’m not feeling it with us. I could be making a huge mistake and I want to be your friend. I just don’t have an overwhelming desire that we need to be together. We always have fun together and I really do like you, but I don’t want to string you along – it’s not fair to you.” I then asked if it was timing or he’s just not that into me and he said “maybe a little of both.” I said, “so you know for fact you’ll never want to be with me?” and he replied with, “no, it just doesn’t feel right right now.” I proceeded to cry for an hour and half in which he stayed on the phone talking to me. I made the mistake of texting him a few times in the last few days and he has responded to all of them quickly, but I think I made him angry because I got angry. I apologized and have not said anything else. Is there a shot in hell he’ll realize he made a mistake and come back or is there no hope at all for my situation? Thank you.

Chris Seiter

April 11, 2018 at 12:39 am

Hi Jen. Nice name! There is always a chance. ome time ago I created what I think is an awesome resource. It’s called Ex Recovery Pro. Full of ideas and clever strategies. Take a look. You might just need an informed blueprint to get you to the finish line. Click on my website’s Menu and pull up the “Products” Page. Explore and see if this fits your needs.

Renee

April 8, 2018 at 12:39 pm

After reading this article, I can see where I went wrong. When we first started dating, I was scared. I was married for 17 years and divorced for 3 1/2. I dated my ex over 3 years. The last 6 months, I felt I was walking on eggshells. EVERYTHING was upsetting him. Not just me but with his parents and coworkers. One example, my daughter and I ate dinner at his place. His dishwasher was broke. I helped him cleanup. He yelled at me for putting dishes, etc. away that weren’t 100% dry. I told him he was being ungrateful and he didn’t appreciate my help. Arguments like that lead to him using words to imply he didn’t want to be with me. The breakup. One day, I was dropping my daughter off for the week at her dad’s. My boyfriend sent several texts and called 3 times while I was at my ex’s to tell me his running time from a 5k. My boyfriend at the time was more into texting so the phone calls meant a lot. He asked me to make lentil soup. I did. We were texting back and forth while I made it. I delivered it to his work. He mentioned a restaurant his boss told him about and said we should go. I got excited. We didn’t go out much due to our schedules. (We both work two jobs. I have two teens.) I went home and fell asleep watching tv. I saw a text. It was a pic of my boyfriend kneeling with his head resting on his left arm. I asked if he was ok. He asked why and next thing I know he’s asking if I was drunk. If I was texting the wrong person and covering up. Telling me horrible things. I took it as a breakup. I gave him 5 days to respond. I told him his silence said everything and I was returning his things. He has contacted me off and on since. We have gone through NC twice. I have been working on myself. I’m going to college. I didn’t go when I was young and I am excited to go and get a degree. Over the past month of being in touch with him, we were texting sometimes more one day than another. He stopped over one night. Conversation was great. That lead to cuddling on my couch and that lead to us sleeping together. Since the breakup, my mistakes were giving too much information and sleeping with him. Now instead of him pursuing me like he was, he’s silent, including last Sunday, Easter. Nothing from him but I received texts from his parents. After reading the article, I’m going to practice NC again. I decided NOT to sign myself and my daughter up for a 5k in order to keep from seeing him. He lives about 30 minutes away and we’re not connected on social media.

Chris Seiter

April 11, 2018 at 2:22 am

Hello Renee. Best of luck to you

Eliza

March 24, 2018 at 9:30 pm

My ex basically thought the grass was greener on the other side.I did 30 days no contact. Towards the end of week 4 he contacted my daughter to give me a message because I actually had him blocked. I unblocked him to give my condolences for his loss. From that point he initiatiates all the contact between us that includes phone calls and text messages and messenger. Although I unfriended him during nc. I have not pursused sending a request as I am waiting for him to do that.We have been communicating for about 3 weeks some hot and cold . Unfortunately we haven’t done a face to face meet up. He gave an innuendo to it a few days ago. He works shifts and is on the evening shift this week and next week days. How do I get him to ask me out on a date? I am not sure of my next step other than to continue working on me. But I do want to go on dates with him.

Chris Seiter

April 3, 2018 at 1:09 am

Getting him to ask you on a date can generally be done if you find a way to create scarcity, urgency and a fear of loss.
Stacey E Gash

April 3, 2018 at 11:49 am

Any examples you can offer
Chris Seiter

April 4, 2018 at 12:54 am

Do me a big favor Stacey,

Can you tell me exactly what examples you were talking about. The comment software I am using doesn’t allow me to go back and reference our conversation (pain in the butt I know.)
Stacey E Gash

April 5, 2018 at 6:05 pm

I was asking how to get my ex to ask me out. I’ve done NC and we have been talking and texting for about a month but he has yet to initiate a face to face meet up. You suggested scarcity, fear of loss or urgency. I wanted examples of what that would look like?
Chris Seiter

April 6, 2018 at 12:06 am

Examples!

Ok!

Scarcity: Highlighting an aspect of yourself that is unique to you and is one of a kind. This can be a photogenic picture, a smile, the way you walk, the way you flirt…

Urgency/Fear of Loss: Find a way to introduce competition of another man finding you attractive so that he feels a need to lock you down.
Stacey E Gash

April 7, 2018 at 12:08 am

Thank you Chris. I watch your videos all the time and they are extremely helpful and informative. At this point I think that we are both using the recovery tactics on each other.If that’s even possible? So I guess we are at a stalemate waiting on the other to come clean.
Jennifer Seiter

April 7, 2018 at 2:22 am

Hi Stacey, I am going to jump in here and offer you my perspective.

I’m Jen, Chris’ wife and a coach 🙂 . It’s totally possible for you guys to be having a “stand off.”
Stacey

April 8, 2018 at 9:15 pm

Thank you. Is there anyway to go back and edit so that my full name doesn’t appear in previous post without deleting entire post? I left it this time so you would know which ones. Sorry for any inconvenience.
Chris Seiter

April 11, 2018 at 1:38 am

I am working on it Stacey!

Cheyenne Starner

March 17, 2018 at 3:46 pm

How are we letting them cause us if we have to message them first after NC??

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 17, 2018 at 5:10 pm

Because it’s about what your message is and how you end it..

Maria

March 15, 2018 at 8:25 pm

Thank you Amor. Yes, we did NC for 3 weeks. Everything else has happened after that. He continue messaging me and asking me out. Im not sure when to ask him or wait for him to do the right thing and be honest with me, if we are to try again or moving on. Thank you

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 16, 2018 at 3:05 pm

Ok, restart nc and stick to at least 30 days.. Don’t reply if he messages you..after that, you can initiate and slowly rebuild rapport. Be active in posting in social media too

Maria

March 12, 2018 at 10:32 pm

I could really use an input on my situation. My boyfriend after 5 years decided that he needs to leave me, because he feels he can’t establish better relationship with my teenage son. He left 2 months ago and we did messaged some to each other, and see each other, but then I decided to cut everything off. But I slipped again and let him come to our house. We watched a movie. all 3 of us and then we talked. He apologized for all the pain that he caused me and that leaving was the biggest mistake he has done. So he said all the right things that night, but he is not ready to come back because he can’t forgive himself for what he has done. He said he loves me and cares for me and misses everything that we had, but..Now Im stuck again in the mud, with no direction to take. Please advise.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2018 at 10:25 am

Hi Maria,

Have you tried the nc rule?

me

March 5, 2018 at 9:51 pm

My boyfriend and I were dating for over two years. I have 5 kids (20,14,11,7 and 5) and he has 2 kids (6 and 4). We work together and we were very good friends for a couple years before we started dating. He only had 2 serious relationships before with the first one cheating on him and the second one he married within 18 months. I have had 2 also with the first one cheating on me and the second one I was with for 16 years even though he cheated on me. About a year ago he was over 4-5 nights a week and we were doing things with all the kids and he would be over when it was just my kids and interacted with them. He wanted to buy a house and move in together but I was not ready for that because there was a lot to work out and honestly felt like he had blinders on and was not ready either. Last April we took a break for a week but talked the whole time and I realized it was jump all in or be without him. I decided to jump in and we started working on was to compromise on issues and thought we got things settled. I then gave him 6 months to start coming back more to how he was but he never did so in October I started pushing more about spending more time together and making decisions together as a family and toward our future. He then started telling me he is selfish and liked his own time and space and was not ready to move forward and was good with what we were doing. The end of November we didn’t talk for a week (I contacted him) and then met and agreed to do things to start moving forward but then he just didn’t do any of them. He never talked to me about why and then we would talk about it and it never went anywhere so I got more upset. When we broke up he told me that what we talked about overwhelmed him so he just did none of it. He said he loves me and I am the person he wants to be with but he is not ready to move forward right now. He says I am his best friend and his favorite person to talk to and spend time with and he sees his future with me. He said maybe in 2-5 years when the kids are older we can talk about moving in together. He can not give a better time frame he says. His ex is manipulative of his kids and between her and his mom they do not make him feel good about his parenting. His mom is kind of crazy and very demanding on him and his dad (they are divorced) really doesn’t care if he sees him and the kids but he still goes out there for a day on his weekends with his kids. In the month before we broke up he had been putting more distance and I feel like trying to look for all the negative in us. We broke up on January 20th after about a 2.5hr talk where we ordered pizza and laughed as well as being sad. We had 3 choices (both jump in and try, take a break or be done) and he said he didn’t know what to do he was all over the place. I then went through the option and said I didn’t think a break would help and he agreed. At the end of the conversation I told him that if he can not say he wants to be all in with me that the answer has to be we are done. He completely lost it and couldn’t leave him like that so sat next to him and held him while he cried then started crying myself. After awhile he sat up and so I put my hand on his and told him good luck on a couple things coming up in his future to which he started crying harder with each one and ended with if you decide you want to talk do not be stubborn and just talk to me and gave him his garage door opener back. He talked to one of the guys we work with briefly and what he got out of the conversation is he is scared and freaked out which is my take on it also. He said he feels like he is failing at us and made the comment that he tried being married after a short time and it didn’t work – I reminded him we are not our past relationships. I have only seen him twice here at work even though the building we work in is not very big. The first time in the parking lot we couldn’t even smile at each other and looked away and the second in a meeting he only looked at me twice that I know of but I looked at him – he looked as sad as I felt. We were truly best friends and we amazing together which he agreed with. I have lost my best friend and favorite person and I don’t know what to do about it. He is good at pushing stuff away so he doesn’t have to think about it so I am afraid if he pushes me to far to the back he will not be able to get to the feelings again but want to give him time to realize he misses me too. I don’t know if he is not talking to me because he doesn’t want to, he can’t or he thinks it is best for me not to. I contact him after about a month and he made it clear he was still hurting but was trying to be stronger. I asked to see him and he said that would not be a good thing for him right now. I know he is going out and partying because we work together and know the same people, he also has bought a house in the time we have been apart.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 10, 2018 at 1:40 pm

Hi Me,

Check this one:
EBR 009: The No Contact Rule If You Work With Your Ex

Jazz

March 1, 2018 at 7:58 pm

A brief summary:
We were together for almost 3 years, in the beginning of our relationship when we just began to talk he was afraid he wasn’t in love so we spoke lightly that week (him initiating) and then we began to date, a few months in his ex texted him and I noticed he responded so I said I was leaving since I was going to sleep over that weekend and so for a week we kept communication until he saw me and wanted to get back (he saw his ex for closure and told me he felt nothing for her and spoke about me the whole time making her feel bad). So the next two years were amazing both of our families got along, I lived in his house with his family, his friends all liked me and we were both fun, did activities and went on a bunch of trip together and concerts. We would have small arguments and I’d be a little negative when we would get into discussions, I never worked on it. And a day after his 26th birthday we argued about finances and he said we shouldn’t talk about it so I mentioned what I shouldn’t have and said so if we got married or had a kid we can’t talk about money… the next day he told me he had doubts and couldn’t see me in his future and wanted to break up. I didn’t go to his house until two days later to pick up all of my things.. he had it all ready in the room to put in my car and I bawled my eyes out but he said he wishes I’ll be in his future. I had left some things since he packed up my stuff so a week after not talking I called to get them back and he said he’d gather them and I told him I loved him and that we could work on the problems we had together not apart.. didn’t tell me anything about my things the next week and I messaged him to have lunch with me the second week and he told me he was busy so the next day if possible and I agreed.. I cancelled that day and told him that he is right and should let time pass by since he had told me at one point he thinks maybe we weren’t right even though I though we were and everyone around was surprised. So on the third week he messaged me telling me he had gone on a trip to disney with his family that weekend which is were we always went and he said he missed me and wanted to see me, I told him I couldn’t at the moment but later that day yes.. So I saw him and he decided we would talk again, so the next day we talked again like if it was all normal which we shouldn’t have because he told me not enough time passed and he jumped the gun, and his sexual desires got the best of him (we didn’t have sex we only kissed) and then that day I told him I rather talk in person, that we can take is slow, we ended up agreeing to being exclusive and talking slow and we had sex (I know) and so for the next two weeks we saw each other occasionally and texted a little almost every morning only and then that was it for the rest of the day and we didn’t talk maybe 2 whole days in those 2 weeks.. I felt distant and obviously didn’t want that so one day I initiated a message to see if he would want to hang out and told me he was very busy to leave it for the next day… so the next day I texted him I was in the area since we live 5 minutes away and that if I could pass by.. no answer so I dropped in since his family loves me anyways and I figured we were on good terms so why not be a surprise, he was shocked but we hung out and I told him I just felt a little distant since we began talking and that’s when he told me he saw that I wasn’t happy the way we were talking and that he saw it wasn’t doing me any good since he was still confused about what he wanted so I asked if he was falling out of love and he said he didn’t know.. maybe. So I cried and we hugged and then sex.. yep I know. So that night I sneaked into his room because I couldn’t sleep and he cuddled me and told me we’d talk about this later but wasn’t changing his mind. So we texted the next day and I had told him if we could still go to disney with his family for my birthday since he had invited me when we were talking those two weeks, and he said he will let me know. Two days later it was my birthday and we had lunch and planned to hang out that night, yes every time we had sex was at his house and we did it again.. So then I told him to let me know about disney since I was excited and so we went two days late with his family. He showed me so much affection as if we were together and then at night he wanted to have sex and I said no but saw he got frustrated and distant and I told him I was scared of his sleeping with someone else and he said “that’s what happens when people break up and date other people” I freaked out and pretty much initiated the sex which I shouldn’t have. The next day was the day we were leaving and he was distant but then warmed up a little but I asked if this was definite and he said “I don’t know I never felt single to know if this was what I wanted” and so then we went on with the day and back home he told me he wouldn’t be a ghost and would talk to me when time was adequate (he really wants space and I feel is basing how much time needs to pass from his other friends breakups that have gotten back with their exs) mind you I love this guy and want him in my future, I know I was needy but I won’t initiate contact, I want him to come back to me. It’s the fourth day since we parted ways and we have not spoken, I saw him driving home from work one day since we also work 5 minutes from each other but he drove another way that the usual route. I know it’s too soon to tell if he still wants me but everything was fine in our relationship I think I scared him thinking about marriage and the fact that he had just turned 26. So we prolonged the breakup for a month and now this is the real deal and the fourth day (the first time the breakup hit me like a ton of bricks but this time I remain hopeful and am trying to apply the law of attraction which is hard to still control bad thoughts but I am working on it) I am trying to just spend time with my family and reconnect with some friends, we have each other as friends on Instagram still and I want him to get curious about me so I don’t think I’ll really put pictures up, I never really do anyways. Could it be the case that he needs space to realize what we had was true and worth another shot, I know he was the one for me we were honestly a great couple.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 5, 2018 at 1:30 pm

Hi Jazz
You were like friends with benefits..so, start thr nc rule of at least 30 days, take it slow in rebuilding rapport after nc and don’t sleep with him again if you’re not officially together..

Kimberly

February 11, 2018 at 12:56 pm

Well here goes. Can you tell me what to do and possibly give me an intelligent prediction as to what will happen? My ex boyfriend is stupid but terribly intelligent. In November we broke up, it started off clean but I kept seeing him with a girl who I thought was his friend but he admitted to cheating on me with her. Now, we broke up because he became less attracted to me. He says that it was because of all the drama but those were things that could have changed or been avoided had i maintained his attraction to me. I’ve done the no contact rule for three weeks before. When I contacted him, he totally broke down telling me he loved me and left 113 messages on my phone, kept calling, lovebombing me even. However he was still seeing that girl. I found out because after a few days of speaking he was ignoring my messages. I reverted mentally and went to his house. She was there. He chose her. He said he traded the love we had for peace and that his decision is the best for him. The next day after completely expressing myself emotionally, I went into no contact. Now I used to think that expressing myself that emotionally, as you would suggest is a turn off but it isnt to him i believe, not if he cares for you. See he has cried to me several times about our breakup every time that I leave him alone. So he understands emotion and loves passion. However, he still chose that girl. I havent spoken to him in 6 days. The issue happened 8 days ago. He put up a status that said “ignorance is as important as intelligence”. I found that to mean that maybe he found that I did not behave intelligently. And to make matters worse, I didnt even look my best when i went to his house. He isn’t even messaging me. He’s doing it so i can move on but really what i want is him to acknowledge my feelings, apologise and make amends… I also feel like because this is the second time im going into NC, and especially with seeing him and her in his house together, that it really may be the final nail in the coffin and that there’s nothing to talk about, no friendship to be had and that he’ll feel more secure moving forward because he knows that we can’t get back together, not after all that has happened. Can you just give me some insight…I don’t like the situation. While im moving on and working, he’s not around and I miss him. Will he reach out because I can’t be the one to chase him. I’ve done enough. What’s gonna happen..he’s dead set on this new girl but he doesn’t love her at all, wont miss her if she goes away, not that much even, they’re not best friends. They just like eachother and are friends, have sex and are in classes together. He seems to be wanting to make it work…
Tanna

February 11, 2018 at 12:34 am

My ex and I were together for 6 months. During the time, we both acknowledged that it was the most compatible relationship we had ever been in, the most fun, passionate, the most understanding. It felt perfect. We both knew where we were headed long term. Im 27 and he is 32. Not long before we started dating, he left a 6 figure job to start his own business. During the time we were dating, the stress of starting a career afresh started to really get to him and he decided after Christmas that he couldn’t keep me a priority right now. He had to pick up another job to make ends meet and in his words – he couldn’t be the man I deserved right now, he doesn’t know how long this “drought” in his career will go on and he doesn’t want me to resent him eventually. He’s very traditional. He made it very clear he wants to be the provider in the relationship. I’m comfortable and make a very good salary myself. Initially, we agreed to be friends (maybe too quickly), but then the lack of free time on his side started to get frustrating. I went off on him, and accused him of using his financial situation as a cop out. He couldn’t believe I would suggest that but he apologized that I felt that way and blamed himself and bad timing and… that was the last he spoke to me. I since apologized for that, with no response from him. I started NC to give myself the space I needed to revaluate things and a possible friendship.

It’s been 3 weeks. I’m wondering – was I too harsh? Is he really trying to work on himself or is he just not that into me? I plan to re-engage him slowly after a month when I’m ready to be friends. Any comments will help me. Still miss him terribly.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2018 at 1:03 pm

Hi Tanna,

Restart nc, and still be active in posting and make your posts public because he will probably get curious and check.

Sasha

February 9, 2018 at 9:48 pm

Im so confused with my situation. We are Long distance. We spoke for 2 years when he was in Australia. He moved to Canada last year and we met. We are still LD because I’m in NY. We only met twice. Things have always been rocky between us. He always says he can’t marry me because of so many family issues on his side. In Dec 2017, things really started falling apart. He wouldn’t talk to me days. Message me once a week. He even called me one time and apologized for behaving the way he did. And then again back to the silence. Then a week later when i confronted him, and wanted to know what exactly is happening between us, he shut me down. I have not begged. I let it go. I started my NC. Although, I did wish him Happy birthday which was 18 days into NC. After that I decided to let it go completely and move on. He started messaging me (again like once a week). Liked my Instagram pic. texted me he liked my pic. Today (Feb 9), he texts me again saying he wants to go on vacation and if I would like to come. I asked him are we going as friends or more than that. He said friends. Now I’m so confused. Idk what is going on in his mind. Will NC work at this point? I know he has no other girl. He is in a lot of stress because of his family issues and he doesn’t like Canada. Im just lost as to how to approach this. Should I go on a vacation with him? I know it will make him stress free for that time. I won’t bring up the relationship and just try to keep the mood light and be a friend. But I also know, if something happens between us, it will break me when we come back from vacation and he is back to his old self. I think I’m friend zoned but not sure exactly what is on his mind.

EBR Team Member: Amor

February 15, 2018 at 12:33 pm

Hi Sasha,

What’s the reason of rebuilding rapport again? Is it to get him back? Because if yes, I think you should just move on.. Unless, he’s going to move to Canada, or he literally says he changed his mind about the possibility of you being his wife someday.

A.J.

February 9, 2018 at 5:07 pm

hi
Big thanks for the entire team, basically your articles are my support system 😛

I’m little bit confused over my situation here ..

I made two mistakes one that required I break my no contact and apologize (according to one article on EBR) and the other required to never ever initiate the contact even after the end of the no contact period (also according to another article on EBR)

I made all the mistakes chris once mentiond from being clingy, emotional, irrational, obsessed, whatever came to your mind just name it ! I basically became a drama queen to him :\ ! (the never initiate contact situation)

I also made the mistake of not admiting to my problemes. The last thing I did before the NC was calling him a quitter and I never did acknowledge my part in breaking his heart!

now (after more than two weeks of NC) I came to my senses, I start questioning my behavior (not only with him but also with others) I also did lots of reading and researching and I come to realize that I really did hurt him twice, first throughout our entire relationship when I was extremely self-centered and second throughout our breakup and how I reacted!

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